Dear Universe… What I Want in a Man.

You know, I really thought I knew what I wanted, till the universe gave me exactly what I asked for and it blew up in my face in the worst possible way. I never took this exercise really seriously, but if you want to manifest the man of your dreams you have to be very clear about what you want. Get down and dirty down to the dirty details: be greedy, be extravagant, be bodacious, be bold, be true to yourself. Who is your dream man ( or woman ) ? Do you believe you deserve it? And without getting attached to the chase of finding the man of your dreams, attract without the fear of believing that your outrageous requests of the universe that your beliefs are in alignment. The law of attraction means you attract what you are. If you want all these gifts from the universe, are you returning that in return? Are you worthy? If you’re not, then now is a foundation to start working on yourself. You attract a mirror of you, so start with your inner work.

Dear Universe,

I want a man who is fun and sexy, in touch with his feminine side. Someone who is free and knows when to put down the time card, clock out and have fun. We don’t follow rules in here. Someone who loves to travel to new places, explore strange and foreign lands, buy one way tickets, meet strangers and live in the moment. A sensual lover, emotionally vulnerable with strength and gentleness and balance. Someone who can capture my sexual prowess, where I submit like a submissive kitten to his divine masculine. To be submissive I must feel safe and trust him enough to take off my armor. He must be trustworthy, honest, loyal, committed, authentic and walk with INTEGRITY always. A compassionate soul is inner beauty. He is concerned with the human spirit and soul.

He is an excellent communicator and allows me to be vulnerable in my feelings and also is unafraid to be vulnerable. He does not take mistakes, accidents and miscommunications personal. He is committed to being vulnerable, speaking from the heart, and communicating each others feelings, accepting, being vulnerable and listening without defensiveness. His ego does not run his decisions. He is someone committed to growth, overcoming obstacles, and calling each other out on our shit, but in a kind way with compassion and kindness. He doesn’t judge and accepts me for where I am on my journey and respects personal choices I must make.

He knows what he wants and doesn’t change and flip flop his desires, needs, wants, passions and goals. He is decisive and knows who he is. He is health conscious and likes fitness and takes care of his health. He is understanding when I am struggling with my shadow, and holds space. He does not project his own insecurities, shadow and feelings onto me. He is open minded to hear your opinions even if he disagrees. NO STEROIDS. I’m done with dudes with steroids. And drugs. I can’t do it anymore. I want to live a sober, healthy life, unclouded by self hate, escapism and a mind clouded by substance. A healthy balance is subjective. He has an abundant mind set and is successful at his creative projects and in his flow. He doesn’t second guess himself. He is following his passions. He doesn’t stay in comfort zones, keeps his word and executes. He is ready to be my partner in growth He is NOT confined by the boundaries of a matrix. He is open. A man with work ethic, who believes in himself, and believes in me, that together we’ll build anything successful.

He treats me like a princess. He never wants me to lift a finger. He massages my hair and worships my body. His touch is sensual and gentle but his hands are strong. Someone with a strong energetic and tantric connection on a soul shattering level. He babies me and allows me to be who I am even if sometimes that is imperfect. He allows things to be easy. He takes the path of least resistance. Things are not so hard. He loves me unconditionally. Lives in the moment, not in the head or fear of the future. I feel as though I can be completely vulnerable with him and trust. Feeds me grapes and massages my feet. I’m a goddess and a princess in a past life. And he drinks from my nectars as if it were the nectars of the gods. He is a giver. We can indulge in sexual fantasies and disappear and turn our phones off for days and stay in bed together. We’re the last two unicorns on the planet and we belong together. But he also knows when it’s time to turn it off and just give me quality time.

Someone embodied equally in his darkness. A dark empress needs a dark emperor. But the balance and polarity of the two make the light that much more juicer. You better talk dirty and smack that azz boy and bend me over the kitchen counter.

If he doesn’t know how to dance, I’ll teach him. If he doesn’t know how to play a musical instrument, I’ll teach him. If I don’t know how to do something, he’ll teach me, and we’ll delight in the growth of each other and the precious times spent together teaching each other the skills we harbor, growing deeper into connectivity within each other, sharing interests in music, spirituality, activities and sharing a life together naturally without forcing it, PATIENTLY.

I’m here for life and love. 🤍

What do you want in your dream man? Type below in the comments.

xoxo

Grief

I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”

Eryka Badu

Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…

“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents.  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo

I want to move to Bali.

“You don’t need a man, you need a champion.”

OMG Truth can’t be so far from that!  I just saw Eat, Pray, Love, and I am so inpressionable, and suddenly inspired to go to Bali.  I can’t go all over the world, as I don’t have the means to, and it would be hard on the Kai bug, but living in my little villa in Bali, just writing my blogs from there, meditating in the morning, doing yoga in the afternoon, teachin Kai to surf in the afternoon, finishing my studies online, enjoying life in Bali, maybe get into some exporting, that sounds like a wonderful life I can’t wait to have.

If you lived in Hawaii, you know that there is no place in the world like Hawaii.  The “Aloha” is strong.  The people are beautiful.  I love Hawaii, but I think to live in Hawaii, and come back forever, we need to venture out and see life, and the world, and bring back with us culture and experience, to share with Hawaii and grow.   I hear that Bali is the same way, except in a totally different way.  They call Bali the “Island of the Gods,” and it pertains extreme positive spiritual energy.  It will conjur up the negative person you are, or bring out the positive person.  It has a mysterious way of bringing out who you truly are.  If you are a jaded lawyer who lives in New York, representing murderers, have no soul, slept with your girlfriends mother, and will step on anyone to get where you want to get, Bali is probably not for you.  It will probably bring out all those evil energies.  This is why some people go to Bali, and are smitten with the positive energy.  Some people go there on vacation, and never leave.

Why do I want to go to Bali?  Because that stupid movie made me realize that I know that I am unbalanced, but if I just stay here in Vegas, I am accepting it, and doing nothing.  I am “staying in the relationship” that I am miserable in, Las Vegas, the industry, being imbalanced.  I’m taking a 180 degree turn and diving in.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”

“One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else’s body is not a decision you can make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not. When it isn’t there (as I have learned in the past, with heartbreaking clarity) you can no more force it to exist than a surgeon can force a patient’s body to accept a kidney from the wrong donor. My friend Annie says it all comes down to one simple question: “Do you want your belly pressed against this person’s belly forever –or not?”

“A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.”

“Imagine that the universe is a great spinning engine. You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out at the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you can get frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you’ll always find peace.”

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

” In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices. We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy’s fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure–your perfection–is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.”

“Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”

” A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.”

” Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself. To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”

Look forward to blogging more about Bali.

xoxo

Kristie Manning