Toast to Newlywed Nikki and Johnny White


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Apr. 15, 2017

I didn’t expect them to cut off the toasts so suddenly, so I want to express my love and support of this newly wed couple.  Maybe it’s better perhaps for me to put it into writing than to give a long drunken speech jumping back and forth with my ADD , [ LOL :)~ ]
I have so much to express about my best friend Nikki and this beautiful couple. And even though I didn’t get to toast: I get photos when I write!  I first met Nikki from a mutual friend at the Love Fest.  She looked so adorable. Nikki was wearing a fuzzy fur hat with a fur vest and a cut off denim skirt with a cute crop top that showed off her (still) perfect abs.  #cutsomewatercutsomecarbs (by the way I AM going to get Nikki to compete one day.)  Little did I know that I would come to learn that Nikki was even more beautiful on the inside than she was on the outside, if that is even possible. (;

I first came to Nikki to help me sponsor a beauty event that was raising funds for starving children in Malawi.  She didn’t only hesitate to help, she also sent me in the direction of other sponsors and invited some great people who have all come to be great friends still.  Shortly after this, Nikki called me to come work for her at a tattoo expo as a promo girl.  I told her I would love to and I even rocked the bikini contest wearing her “Way Gone” hat. LOL *she threw me under the bus on that circus… but I’m down for her. I’d jump in front of a bus for her. ❤  At this time I started to be introduced to more of her circle.  I met Pua and I was so happy that Caleb was joining her team at Way Gone.  Also another beautiful spirit.  Nikki is surrounded by an eclectic mix of  fun and beautiful people.  And I love the positivity that she radiates.

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(don’t mind the silly hair, there was suppose to be a pin up contest lol)

It just so happened that at this time, I was going through a horrible break up, and Nikki was having some similar issues as well.  WING GIRL!  We are both Gemini’s so the two of us together are ADD overload and we know how to have fun till the sun comes up!  Friday nights turns into “try this on” and she finds the sluttiest dress she can in her closet, which turn into Saturday nights and Sundays turn into Nikki making my daughter Kai and I breakfast and brunches at Bogarts (our fav hang over spot) after sleeping on the day bed all weekend and getting to wake up to the ocean front breeze at her old condo at the Diamond Head Ambassador.  My daughter was always excited to come over to Auntie Nikki’s house so that she could hang out and play video games with Destin who was always patient and kind to her, [ because we all know what a butt head Kai can be sometimes (; ]  I remember one time we were at Safeway picking up pizza and ice cream for the kids, and Destin wanted to pay for it.  I think this was the first time he played “man of the house” and we thought the gesture was so sweet that he wanted to take care of his mommy.  He must have been about 13 at the time.  I think Nikki showed me what it meant to be a better mom.  I don’t think it was easy for me to balance a social life, making time for Kai and work.  And I thank her for not only being a positive person in my life, but also one of Kai’s favorite aunties.   Kai is loved by so many people although her father is in jail and unable to show her.  She is lucky to have people like Nikki who welcome her with open arms. Nikki too understands the struggle of raising a child single and understands the strength it requires to balance our lives.

Nikki always had a way of knowing when I needed a friend.  If I had a fight with a boyfriend, she’d always find something to do.  Like that one time we went sailing.  Being around her was always fun, we always were surrounded by great people, and you always seemed to forget all your problems.  But Nikki is also a great listener and always wants to help.  She always has great perspective to offer and although for the Gemini this ALWAYS backfires… believe me… I know… her heart is always in the right place! We’v only fought ONCE… I almost walked out while she was in the shower and she asked me to stay.  I was impressed by her humble ingenuity and ability to admit she was wrong.  I couldn’t stay mad at Nikki for longer than ten minutes.  We Gemini’s are ultra forgiving. (;

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Nikki came and supported me when I won my division in bodybuilding at the Sting Rey Classic in 2014.  Two weeks later my boyfriend and I got in a fight and I was unable to attend a big show in Pittsburgh I had trained extremely hard for.  She didn’t hesitate to loan me $2000 that month so that I can go to the event I had worked hard for, for months.  It was hard for me to accept but I knew that she wanted me to have it.  This kind gesture meant so much to me from someone I have only known for a short time.

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You can’t go to a good party without running into Nikki.  I broke up with my boyfriend AT this party because he told me he wasn’t feeling good and had to go to the office.  SO I decided to go to a pool party w Nikki and there he was drinking a cup of Patron.  So I went on with the party while Nikki kept me in a good mood.  She later convinced my boyfriend to come say hi to me.  But although her intentions were good: she couldn’t fix his tendency to fail at being smooth with his words lol.  Nikki is like a mom to me, a sister and a friend.  I first seek her approval of all the men I date before ever introducing them to my family lol.  I care for her opinion more than my own family.

The first time I met Johnny, Nikki and I were eating sushi at Doraku.  He joined us shortly after and we went to sing Karaoke at G’s Studio down the road.  I have some videos laying around in my icloud somewhere of that night (: and Johnny sang a wonderful old school Fitzgerald type song.  Totally impressed!  But Johnny’s shy, quiet swagger had me believing he wouldn’t last a month. (sorry JW)  Before I left to Vegas we hung out one more time with a friend of mine.  We met up at Lobby bar and went to Modern and ended up at the M.  Johnny had great manners and although we had our own bottles of champagne, he got a bottle of Goose as to not intrude.  Although we ended up giving it away, I liked the gesture of him buying his own bottle. (;

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Johnny didn’t mind that I came over to watch the super bowl with them and ruined his game by arguing politics with him the entire game. LOL even though me and Nikki were ganging up on him.  (We always do lol). Even when I jokingly suggested Nikki and I put on our bikinis and hold Trump signs on the corner of Hawaii Kai Dr… Johnny always laughed at my twisted humor.  When I came back from Vegas, they are now living together and an official couple.  It’s New Years and I just had returned from a year of traveling.  Johnny wants to go home at 1 am.  Why you gotta be so boring grandpa?

I called Nikki one evening and Caleb answered the phone.  A group of them all went  to Maui and apparently Johnny had proposed. The social butterfly that can’t be caught?  NO WAY!  I think others felt the same way, but I was the most vocal about it.  In a joking way I always said Johnny stole my wing girl. 😦  But I sincerely could not find one reason why he wasn’t the one.  I had seen the kindness he has shown her, and the growth since they have been together.  I see the balance Libra creates in Gemini’s free spirit.  And their dynamics shows me that you can have balance and freedom and still be close at the same time.  I only hope to find the same happiness one day as these two love birds.

“You hold me without touch.  You keep me without chains.”  

There was a time I was in the hospital with a complicated pregnancy and my family wasn’t really there for me.  Nikki’s friends all reached out to me.  People whom I barely knew, who I have all come to be really great people.  Her and Johnny brought me (my favorite) buffalo wild wings.  One thing is BWW is my ISH!  And Johnny has great taste when it comes to food!  On the day I lost my baby, (election day) Nikki brought me some food and Johnny brought me some flowers.  We watched the election as Trump crushed it.. and Johnny still wasn’t convinced… he was commentating like it was a basketball game like… “naw… Hillary’s gonna come back in the fourth quarter.”  I still wasn’t convinced that Johnny was the one.  Besides… he stole my wing girl and moved her out to Hawaii Kai.  Do you know how much further that is from my freaking house?

Holiday after holiday, Nikki and Johnny gathers groups for Thanksgiving potluck dinners, Christmas, and New Years eve (and red wine and bub of course).  Don’t get me started on Johnny’s massive mac and cheese!  I can only have a bite but believe me…. I would eat that for days!  The lobster dinner he shared with Charmaine and I on New Years day was also wonderful.  (; I had no idea he could cook!  “No wonder you’re keeping this one” I joked to Nikki.  There is something to say about a man that cooks.  Johnny kept impressing me with these small things and gestures.  I slowly began to see the kindness he showed Nikki and the little things that made her a better person.

I am also thankful for the blessed friends that have come into my life because of this beautiful soul and lessons she has also taught me about protecting your space and energy and most of all letting go of negativity and forgiveness. But also for her having an open heart and allowing me to inspire her in the tiniest ways in the same way she has done for me.

Johnny just flew in from Florida on NYE and was sleeping because of jet lag… And I was like “shhhhhh… don’t wake up grandpa… we want to go party!”  Lol!  JK… I’m sure Johnny doesn’t always mind being around all the beautiful ladies.  And this night was great even tho we got separated from the rest of the group, Johnny ended up designated driving us to Kaiser Bowls to watch a great view of the entire island even though he was super tired, he just wanted to spend new years with Nikki even if that meant dragging him out around town to dead spots to meet friends that mattered.  #designateddrivergrandpa That morning (I won’t go into details) but a situation arose and I was like oh s*** that is fighting material.  And the way he calmly handled it impressed me.  Johnny carries himself with dignity, class and has strong morals.  And though he may not always agree with everyone, he respects people for their differences in opinions and their imperfections and doesn’t judge Nikki’s “eclectic” group of friends.  This truly impressed me. Johnny is always up in his head tho so who knows what funny stuff is going on in there, because he likes to laugh at my craziness often with a funny “I’m just gonna sip on this beer…” dismissive look on his face. (; Even when I’m busy being a s*** head taking Nikki’s back in a debate, he is always calm and never angry.

So as it got closer to the wedding and we started doing preparations THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.  I’ll admit it!  I was the last person to really believe she wasn’t going to “run-away-bride” on Johnny.  I met someone (also a Libra) recently who reminds me immensely of Johnny.  He is kind and well mannered and is showing me all the things in a man I cynically didn’t believe existed anymore in this world of social media and surface level relationships.   Yet we all know this: Libra’s know how to let their freak flags fly, but still have the swag to put on the little romantic touch here and there that makes us want to vomit in our mouths a little bit (but we secretly love it… so don’t stop it coming).  (By the way… we all know Johnny’s a closet freak even though he didn’t like my Suzie’s bachelorette party gift… he’s with you Nikki… he has to be lol.)  A couple days before their wedding, I sent Nikki a text message…

“for the first time, I fully understand why you are marrying Johnny.”

It gives me hope… I feel sorry for the poor bastard who ends up with me. ❤

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A toast to the Bride and Groom: to the lucky devil who caught the uncatchable unicorn.  Mr and Mrs Johnny White.

xoxo

 

Single Parenting through Difficult Times


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This whole postpartum experience has been immobilizing and has given me an opportunity to spend more time talking to Kai.  We use to be closer.  She is 11 and I’m trying to salvage our relationship before she becomes a teenager I don’t know. We are very close.

People asked me why I didn’t reach out to family.  Well, we’re very different people and their idea of support is imposing their mormon beliefs on me that this was for the best because I’m not married and whatever else they’re thinking.  Although I know their intentions are well, those are not the right words for me right now.

I noticed Kai’s math grades slipping and I had to believe it has to do with all the stress happening at home.  She has been skimming her reading instead of slowing down and internalizing.  It must be really an unhappy place for her to come home to right now.  I feel like I haven’t been doing enough for her.  And I want to take the opportunity to do focus my energies on her.  The last few months have been all about me and I feel I’ve been neglecting her needs emotionally.

Kai is a smart cookie and she has so much potential and talent.  She should be in sports, learning a foreign language, learning an instrument and art and digital media.  She said she wants to play chess.  I think that is a good idea for her cerebral side.  And chess is good to keep the brain sharp and for logic development.  We cleaned out the bookshelf yesterday and are going to get some new books for her to read.  It’s really simple how a little bit of attention and encouragement can positively effect a child’s development.

I read the power of a name report… Kai is an Aries, a leader natural and her name Carolanne implies great power.  My parent technique of being stern is negative for her growth and may hinder her natural leader tendencies.  I have to learn how to be encouraging instead of downing her talents.  As parents we have to learn what is the most conducive technique to hone their best potential.  Kai generally is a good kid, but when I caught her lying about wearing my $180 fly knits which were now stained in red dirt, she was grounded immediately.  She didn’t even fight me when I gave her “how could you do this to mommy when she’s going through a hard time” look.  She knew what she had done.  So I will keep her on grounding until the cleans them.

The most difficult thing I’ve been trying to figure out is how to get her to communicate.  When discussing hard subjects she changes the subjects and avoids it.  I have to drag out the hard emotions which usually end up in tears.  But it’s usually through impatient force I get her to tell me what’s really going on.  I’ve gotten her to open up on some subjects related to her father not being around, and her anger towards me for being a busy single mom, and now how she didn’t feel happy about her baby sister dying and how it was hard for her to help hold mommy down while I was sick and she was really unhappy.  It was a hard time for everyone.  I held her in my arms and hugged her and we hung out and played video games and did Nu Skin mud masks. (:

I’m still clueless what’s the positive way to get her to communicate with me.  She is so guarded..  very secretive.  I notice her friends talking about boys because she borrows my cell phone to text them or sometimes her conversations from my ipad connect to my iPhone.  I don’t even see anything she says about boys.  If she has an interest in boys, she is very guarded about them, unlike her gossipy friends.  It’s so cute how she is at that age now. (: I’m glad she is making more friends at school now.  I guess it’s time for that phone.

I’m going to put Kai in some kind of physical activities.  Either she can continue boxing and Muay Thai at UFC gym or swimming or sport of choice.  Have her learn a foreign language, possibly Japanese or Chinese.  She wants to play chess.  She doesn’t want to learn piano like her mom, but I’ll let her decide what kind of instrument she wants to play. And I will continue to help her hone her artistic skills.  I’m very proud she won an art contest and her art was displayed at the Academy Art Museum.  A little bit of attention can go a long way in giving a child what she needs.  And I feel so horrible I have neglected some of her needs these last few months while I had a complicated pregnancy.

This experience has waken me up to not take time for granted.  Time is precious.  I felt like I had screwed up with Kai.  I had her at a young age and didn’t share the enthusiasm I do now at turning her into a mini me.  I had wanted a baby so I could have a second chance to do it right and create something amazing, but I forgot that I already have a mini piccasso who still needs me. ❤

I do want to try have a baby again some time in the next 4 years before I turn 35.  It’ll be with complications but I know now what those issues are and how to face them.  I want another little girl. (: But for now I’ll work on my first masterpiece a little bit longer.

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xoxo

Grief


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I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo

A Piece of Me


I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.

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I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise.  A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point.  I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time.  The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion.  He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex.  Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father.  I felt womanized into something that was completely fake.  Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie.  That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me.  Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be.  He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother  call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby.  He couldn’t help me to doctors visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up.  I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish.  I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings.  I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable.  People take advantage of weakness.  There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle.  I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with.  At the end of the day it was simple.  He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.

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I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job.  It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period.  I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time.  Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done.  Everything looked fine to my surprise!  I grew attached and excited for baby to come.  Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister.  At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test.  They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night.  They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes.  The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking.  Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried.  I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said.  They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god.  I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything.  I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks.  My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested.  This kept baby in.  During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills.   I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received.  It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.  It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments.  I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen.  Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated.  Sips of wine would help stop contractions.  2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions.  At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.

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Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication  which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep.  I lied in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself.  I didn’t want her to go yet.  I had fought this hard to make it two weeks.  12 more days and she could make it.  I was determined to hold on.  At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing.  Chorioamnionitis is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me?  I suddenly decided I have to stop.  I stopped fighting.  Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I was already 7 cm dilated  and her head was already very low in delivery position.  Contractions weren’t coming.  Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push.  So I decide to help her end her suffering.  The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions.  She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb.  I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will.  I was too stubborn holding on.  I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way.  Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms.  She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her.  She did not appear to have down syndrome.  Her development was healthy.  My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.

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Don’t give up hope.  Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion.  Get a second.  My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital.  The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up.  The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on.  I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on.  The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow.  I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit.  I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best.  My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah.  And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.

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I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

 Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions.  I do not know which is more disturbing to me.   That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself.  There are options.  Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision.  Do the right thing.

WORLDWIDE

Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (http://www.agi-usa.org)

UNITED STATES

Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

MORE FACTS http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.


Please pray for Serah

You can follow the story and updates at
https://www.gofundme.com/prochoiceconflict

xoxo

How to Pick a Partner


when-a-teacher-says-find-a-partner_o_546242

Nope that’s not what I meant… but LOL

How do you pick a partner?  I don’t f***ing know.  I’m hopelessly single.  But I do know what I look for in a relationship.  My sister recently told me about a book that teaches you what to look for in a relationship.  I guess this is from the “post-divorce” section of the book store.  Nobody is perfect, but it’s finding the person who is compatible for us to make something last.

  1. Find out how you fight.  What is your fighting style?  Do you blow up and get emotional?  Are you unforgiving?  Are you too quick to forgive? Do you run away and blow off steam.  Are you unresponsive and avoid your issues?  The way two people deal with issues can make or break you.  I may be emotional and fiery in a moment and quick to cool down and forgive.  So maybe being with someone who understands that and understands to back away from the situation is the best person for me.  But even if that is not the case.  If he understands how you feel, maybe he can make that compromise to deal with you differently than he normally would because he understand that is how you deal with things, and you could make an effort to understand your way of dealing with things can be destructive and even though you may fail a few times, try to practice a more rational approach.  #growth

2. Find out how their parents “damaged” them.  Our parents are all good people (most of them) and their intention is never to hurt you, but we can’t help but have quirks in our personality or something negative about ourselves we inherited from our parents.  Me, for example, I have my dads temper.  And my parents controlling attitudes manifested in rebellion.  Taking the first step of self realization is important in personal development.  And expressing those weaknesses to your other half is a step in understanding the inner workings of their mind and how their pains or misunderstandings have developed into obstacles in their lives.  Being rebellious has hurt me in school, in work and in relationships.  Once I understood where this rebellious attitude came from, I realized, I don’t need to be rebellious anymore, and I let it go.  And I will never have that same attitudes towards raising my daughter.  I had a friend once tell me his dad unintentionally damaged him.  His grandfather was a championship boxer.  And he was a jerk and use to beat up people.  He even beat up the mail man once.  His father hated it so much, that he was a peaceful person.  He mistook this for his dad “being a pussy.”  This instilled in his mind, and he went through an extremely rebellious period that he had to be “hard” and “gangster” to prove himself, and this time period where gangster rap and rebellious attitudes was a “trend” contributed to the issue.

3. Ask them to name their best traits and a few of their worst.  Give them time to show they have good self esteem.  A person with poor self esteem will have a hard time talking positively about themselves.  And someone who can be honest and real about their short comings understands themselves and shows promise for growth.

My best: Sexy, Intelligent, Competitive, Ambitious.

My Worst: Impatient. Fickle. Retaliating. Emotional.

4.  What are you goals?  Have an understanding of what is in your future.  Is it ambition?  Big business? Small business? Marriage? Children? Do you have desire to do philanthropical work?  Often This is a major stopping point for me.  I’ve met so many great people that I’m compatible with, but often one is terrified of children, or some are divorced and never want to marry again.  I have a child, so sometimes instal-family isn’t always what people thought it was and they are left thinking… “I signed up for this?”  Having these conversations early is a great way to begin a relationship.  Nonetheless… people don’t always know what they want, and in the moment they could’ve  thought this is what they wanted, and 6 months or 8 years down the road, they could decide still, this is not what I want.  Make sure that what you want is clear.  Don’t give into wants, egos and desires.  Look at this maturely from an outside perspective and genuinely come to meet someone that has mutual goals as you.  Be honest.  I think people tend to mask their true feelings with lies to prevent being hurt again.  I think opening up to love is greater than being stuck in single land, but really missing having something great again but being too scared to take a chance.  I’ve ran into that a lot and it’s a lot more common than you know.  I’ve been guilty of it, especially after an intense break up, when you need time to heal.

5. Find out their personality types.  And how they make decisions.  There are 4 personality types.  Imagine a cross with 4 segments.  The upper is dominant, the lower is submissive.  The other sides are divided by rule breakers and rule followers.  When you intertwine these 4 traits they create 4 personality types.  Understanding the way these personalities interact with one another will bring strength to the relationship.  It’s not about being compatible.  Each relationships has different strengths and weaknesses, and understand what they are will help you to emphasize on those strengths, and how to improve on your weaknesses.  I am a monkey.  I am unfocused party animals, promoter, instigater, wild, etc.  A lion is a leader and in business can help me stay grounded and focused.  But in a relationship, an owl is the thinking quiet methodical type and is actually best for me because they keep me grounded.  Other monkeys are great for friends and party people.  And Koalas are a good emotional support for me, but I know for a fact I could NEVER date a Koala.  And dating another monkey would be like dating a Gemini.  I’ve done it, and it lacks the emotional stability I need.  Although, it’s a lot of fun, the grounding energies of a Lion or an Owl is what I need.

I’m still unsure about what the decision making options are.  I understand I am emotional and not rational and I look to my partner to come up with a solution.  I get really upset when my partner makes a decision without me.  He doesn’t need my permission but discussing things is always healthy.

personality-type-cheat-sheet-original-001

There are many facets of relationships such as communication, political/social/economic/religious views, financial stability, emotional issues etc. However, having a deeper understanding of the person you are with will help you or ultimately break you in the end.  Every relationship is hard and takes work and dedication, but the base for a healthy relationship that is going to last will be dependent on if you have a solid FOUNDATION and this comes from a mature understanding.

If you’re running a business, conventional wisdom states that you’re a much more effective business owner if you study business in school, create well thought-out business plans, and analyze your business’s performance diligently. This is logical, because that’s the way you proceed when you want to do something well and minimize mistakes.

But if someone went to school to learn about how to pick a life partner and take part in a healthy relationship, if they charted out a detailed plan of action to find one, and if they kept their progress organized rigorously in a spreadsheet, society says they’re A) an over-rational robot, B) way too concerned about this, and C) a huge weirdo.

#compatibility

steve-jobs11

xoxo

Its 12 am…


I can’t sleep and my mind races with the thoughts of all I have seen today. Should I stay or go? Should I lie or tell the truth? Have I loved, or am I just passing through? Is anything that’s happened even real? It’s just passing by so fast I don’t even realize it’s happening and before you know it, it’s just wasted time. Sometimes you have to feel the pain just to know you’re alive but you keep on living. I watched discovery channel videos on giant sea creatures and giant squids on YouTube today. I guess something so big is rare and hard to find, and often found in arctic waters, so I guess I’ll move to the north pole. But are we so cold blooded? Or are we just shallow that the depths of the ocean are what we are afraid of? What dwells In the unknown, murky realm. Finding one would only be lucky if you make it through. Make sushi.
Xoxo
Kristie manning

The Lion in Love


The Lion in Love 

  A LION demanded the daughter of a woodcutter in marriage.  The
Father, unwilling to grant, and yet afraid to refuse his request,
hit upon this expedient to rid himself of his importunities.  He
expressed his willingness to accept the Lion as the suitor of his
daughter on one condition:  that he should allow him to extract
his teeth, and cut off his claws, as his daughter was fearfully
afraid of both.  The Lion cheerfully assented to the proposal.
But when the toothless, clawless Lion returned to repeat his
request, the Woodman, no longer afraid, set upon him with his
club, and drove him away into the forest.
“LOVE CAN TAME THE WILDEST.”

I Strive to be a Perfect Lover


My Definition of a Good Lover

Someone who gives you the last piece of shrimp.

Someone who will stand by you through hard times.

Someone who can read your mind and finish your sentences.

Someone who will tell you when you are wrong.

Someone who will bring you up when you are down.

Someone who finds pleasure in going the extra mile to please you.

Someone who will bring you chicken soup when you are sick.

Someone who will pick you up from the airport.

Someone who can afford my expensive dining habits. 😉

Someone who is willing to treat me like a Queen, because I’ll treat him like a King.

Someone who will call you just to tell you they love you.

Someone who cuddles in bed with you after making love, and doesn’t jump right in the shower.

A good kisser.
Someone not so damaged that they are afraid to love.

Someone who know’s the “abcs” are a worthless technique. ;D

Someone who is not selfish.

Someone who is thoughtful, and puts you in the equation without thinking twice.

A good lover properly gets you turned on and warms you up. 😉

Someone whose eyes are full. =D

Someone who’s secure and not jealous and possessive. If you have me, you got me.

Someone willing to learn.

Someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful girl that ever walked the planet.

Someone who makes you feel special just for waking up next to them.

Someone who is intelligent with words.

Someone who won’t let a little disagreement break you.

Someone who communicates through that argument.

Someone who is fun and youthful.

Someone who pushes my limits, challenges me, and inspires me.

Someone who can listen to my stoney talk and be on the same level.

Someone who loves me for who I am.

Someone who won’t judge me.

Someone who is patient with me, because hell we all know I have none.

Someone who is confident.

Perfect love is rare indeed – for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

I strive to be a perfect lover.

xoxo

Kristie

My Top Playlist for July


12. Yiruma: River Flows In You

I love piano! Yiruma is a genius!

11. To Zanarkand (Orchestra) From Final Fantasy X

Yes I’m a FF nerd.  I love the score from FFX.  Zanarkand is one of my favorite songs.  Here is an orchestral version of it, since I love acoustics, orchestral and band music.  Gives me chills when I hear the dynamics. ;D  The piano is a given, but the oboe solo is beautiful. My fav. I want to be in an orchestra again.  I want a gold flute.

10. Foster the People: Pumped up Kicks

I keep hearing this song on the radio over and over again.  Fun song!

9. Mumford and Sons: Little Lion Man

Great guitarist!

8. Example: Kickstars (Bar 9 Remix)

Better than the original!  Just reminds me of bad relationships you know is bad for you but you can’t kick.

7. Death Cab for Cuties: Someday You Will Be Loved

This video is simple, but reminds me that we get our hearts broken over and over again, but we’ll get over it.

6. Adele: Rolling in the Deep

Her voice is like an ANGEL!

5. Florence + the Machine: Cosmic Love

I love her deep voice.  And her hair is dope too!

4. Zero 7: In the Waiting Line

Listen to this on Pandora.

3. Blue Foundation: Eyes on Fire

One of my favorite songs ALL TIME!

2. Edward Maya + Vika Jigulina: This is My Life

I heard this at the club the other night and can’t stop listening to it. THis is my jam!

1. Enigma: I Love You, I’ll Kill You 

Yeah I know it’s an old song, but it’s one of my favorite songs to get sexy to and lately I’ve been listening to it.  I’m listening to it right now while I write this blog entry.