Ancestral Trauma and Growing up and Living in Hawaii as a Healer

My journey in social culture is deeply rooted in my upbringing as a mixed ethnic girl in Hawaii. While I don’t claim expertise in social sciences, I consider myself a humble student, sharing personal experiences and reflections. My true expertise lies in the arts of healing, particularly in subconscious mind work, shadow work, soul work, and shamanic practices, as well as my connection with nature.

As an empath and healer, my profound connection to the land in Hawaii began with a transformative visit to Waipio Valley on the Big Island during the COVID lockdown. Invited by a friend native to the valley, I embarked on a unique work trade opportunity, allowing me to explore the valley’s energies. The mana, or spiritual energy, in Waipio is potent, making it an ideal place for shadow work and connecting with ancestral energies.

In the realm of healing, I emphasize the importance of ancestral healing, understanding how ancestral trauma shapes our present. I have explored ancestral memories through various means, including psychedelic experiences, revealing the stored traumas in our DNA and subconscious.

Growing up in Hawaii as a multiracial individual, I witnessed the social dynamics that often revolved around racial divisions. My diverse heritage made it challenging to fit into specific ethnic cliques, leading me to be a social butterfly, connecting with people irrespective of race. Over time, I observed that societal divisions shifted from racial lines to financial status, highlighting the influence of money and social class in shaping relationships.

Living in Hawaii has provided me with a dual perspective, acknowledging the historical injustices faced by indigenous people while recognizing the challenges of living in a capitalist society. I understand the resistance of indigenous communities to oppressive systems, but I also emphasize the importance of working within existing structures to bring about change.

I’ve encountered instances of animosity towards outsiders, leading to racism and anger. While not all Hawaiians share these sentiments, I’ve personally faced derogatory labels like “haole.” I believe that addressing systemic issues, such as the capitalization of land by major corporations, and a lack of funding for community issues, should be the focus of collective efforts rather than internal divisions.

An unhealthy relationship with money is another challenge, often stemming from societal conditioning. I advocate understanding one’s relationship with money, as it directly correlates with healing and abundance. Poverty, rooted in victim mentalities and lack, impedes personal growth, and I share my journey of transitioning from lack to abundance.

The media’s constant dissemination of fear-based information further disconnects individuals from their spiritual selves. I assert that the current global upheavals are indicative of a shift in consciousness, with the light overcoming darkness. Ancestral trauma can be healed through forgiveness and letting go of victim mentalities.

I urge for a humanized perspective, acknowledging our shared flaws and humanity. Misdirected anger towards individuals, whether celebrities, corporations or outsiders, only perpetuates division. I express the pain of feeling alienated as a caucasian in Hawaii and emphasize the importance of forgiveness, coexistence, and love to build a united humanity beyond borders and racial divisions.

In my role as a healer, I feel a social responsibility to facilitate healing and unity, recognizing that transforming the world begins with individual inner work. Only by embracing the art of receiving did I unlock the ability to genuinely open my heart. The spirit of mistrust acts as a barrier, preventing one from accepting love, assistance, and the illuminating warmth of connection and community. It’s only when we’re prepared to welcome that light and love that we can truly experience their transformative power.

My journey through social culture has been a tapestry woven with threads of diverse experiences, from the rich tapestry of Hawaii to the transformative energies of the aina and kai. As an empath and healer, my expertise lies in guiding others through subconscious mind work, ancestral healing, spiritual work and connecting with nature. Through the lens of my multiracial upbringing, I’ve witnessed the evolution of societal divisions, emphasizing the influence of both race and financial status. Despite encountering challenges such as animosity and unhealthy relationships with money, my commitment to healing remains steadfast. I advocate for a humanized perspective, urging for forgiveness, coexistence, and love to transcend borders and racial divisions. In my role as a healer, I recognize the profound impact of individual inner work in contributing to the collective transformation and unity we all seek.

Aloha
PŌHAKU MAKAMAE

It is crucial to acknowledge the historical context when the kapu was abolished, as leaders proclaimed the emergence of a “new true god.” During that period, Hawaiians were devoted to idol worship. While I don’t endorse Christianity or any organized religion as the ultimate solution, I advocate for unity and tolerance, embracing diverse spiritual beliefs without fostering division. My authentic spiritual essence is not rooted in religion or idol worship; rather, it stems from my personal connection to the source, manifested within myself or what some might refer to as god.

Articles to READ

The ending of the Kapu.

Sacred Waipio Valley, Hawaii Women’s Retreat Red Tent New Moon and Lunar Eclipse Medicine Circle: Launching April 2024.

the Red Tent

The Red Tent or Moon Lodge is simply a gathering of women that occurs at the new moon when girls & women are most in need of support, rest & reflection. This is a timeless tradition observed by ancient cultures which serves as a regular forum for empowering women’s sense of selfhood. 

The Red Tent was also where women learnt the sacred arts of healing, channelling, dream analysis & divination on the understanding that our inner senses; clairvoyance (clear seeing), clairsentience (clear sensing), clairaudience (clear hearing) & intuition (inner guidance) are amplified when we gather in alignment with the moon. By honing these inner senses young women develop the skills to discern potential danger & avert it by learning to read the signs.

It was in the Red Tent women’s deepest secrets were shared so no woman had to carry her burdens alone. Wisdom was also imparted through the oral tradition of storytelling that provided an archetypal framework for growing beyond our perceived challenges.

The Red Tent was a safe & supportive environment where young women learnt about the responsibility of their fertility cycle the importance of their role as women in society.

Knowledge is Power. 

When women take time to connect with their inner most thoughts & feelings they can better respond to their needs.

Expect sharing circles, tantric touch and eye gazing, aruveydic facials, braiding each others hair, singing, sharing stories. playing games,  tarot and Rumi cards, cuddle puddles and candles and laughter.

FOR MORE INFO CLICK HERE

New Podcast: Sex and Healing

Join me in my NEW podcast, “Sex and Healing.” I’m putting the game on blast! 💥 With juicy “Tales from the Trap” tying in the lessons, wisdom and sagery of my transformational healing journey, from the streets and sex work, to my initiation as a healer and medicine woman. Stay tuned for special guests and fellow healers, covering all aspects of consciousness, healing and spirituality. 🤍@ 5DEmpress 🦋

LISTEN TO SEX AND HEALING ON SPOTIFY

Angel Warriors

So focused on the love and light 

That you can’t see the shadows,

Occupied with navigating this gift of sight, 👁 

The balance⚖️ of dark required to expose. 

They call it conspiracies,

Hiding behind PR statements and controversies,

And you must be unhinged if you speak on truth, 

Cause I’m serving up red pills,💊 

Like martinis 🍸 Up dirty, no vermouth, 

Paranoid, delusional, psychedelic thrills,

Chasing paper, not purpose. $100 bills. 💰 

they don’t want you to expose the truth, but you know how it goes, 

Expose the lie, the greed, the truth, And everybody knows. 

Worried about flow state and  financial independence,

And this need to feel the void with materialism appeared, 

So they breed this toxic mentality of co-dependence, 

The fear they keep us in this place they engineered ,

They want you dependent,

To keep you from transcendence, 

It’s election year,

So they distract you with protesting,

Divide us with racist wars, fake news and fear,

But it’s love and light we’re Manifesting. 

Its world war 3, 

But we ain’t riding with m4s.

Popping psychedelics, LSD and DMT,

Fighting these spiritual wars with angel 😇 warriors, With L-O-V-E. 💕 

Kristie 🤍

The Lie.

Experiencing the world it’s all an illusion. 🌎 

Unraveling the lies. 

Its a “king sized” delusion. 

Queens makin moves and it’s not paralleled. 

It’s spelled 

like slave mentality. 

Give them a goal and immortality.

Go to school, pay for college, so you can make enough money,

to thrive in the USA. 

The American dream, the American way. 

Work your ass off, sell your soul, for the pay day, 💰 

so you can pay for overpriced cars, 

Overpriced housing, sell you a dream,

Sell your energy, launch your live stream, 

you can be an IG super star. 

Big house. 3 cars. 

Goin into debt to pay for school, 

you can be a cool rebel, never get a job, 

But how you gonna pay for that iPhone 📲 if you don’t join the mob? 

join the military, get educated, 

Education is overrated, 

because the wars 

That feed our greed and industries,  

are run by a bunch of whores,

And if you’s a free thinker,

you a liability,

So follow the plan that Rockefeller spoon fed ya,

Hook line and sinker, 

and they sell you smart phones, 

That are made from the bones,

Of the girl who mined the cobalt,

Enslaved just to eat, and died by default, 

That shit is poison ☠️ 

Different time, different place,

Another face, 

It’s all another sad re-run. 

with their babies on their back for Pennie’s on the day. 💰 

Who’s fault is it anyway?

the consumer or their own government selling their blood 🩸 for their own payday. 

If this ain’t apocalypse then I don’t know what is. 🤷‍♀️ 

Openly enslaving people for the biz. 💰 

So you can live the lie.

While they inflate the cost of basic needs.

They don’t care if I live or I die, 

But I ain’t people: we Starseeds. 👽 ✌️ 

Food. Gas. Housing. These things don’t cost money. 

The mfkrs controlling them are greedy,

Those who live off the backs of unethical slavery, 

price gouging commodities, is highly unsavory, 

and controlling necessities, the knavery. 

They’re stealing their childhood,

Just so they can get the goods, 

Slaving in sweat shops so you can have your Jordan’s. 

I seen this one thing in the news, take a look,

it made me sick where a kid sold his organs,

for a fkn macbook. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Fkn lost is what we become.

Cheap garbage delivered to our doorsteps with the click of a thumb,

and people buy it.

They buy the lie.

So they donate five bucks to make up for it,

But it’s all bullshit

so at the end of the day they don’t feel like a hypocrite.

Buying the lie,

Just to feed the supply. 

👁 

Continuing on My Healing Journey

Hi guys. Ciao! From Italy. I’m on an 8 hour train ride to Sicily and the landscapes are gorgeous! Let me tell you about my journey for the last couple of months that have lead up to me randomly vacationing in Europe. In January, I went to a Hatha/Kundalini/Tantra/Pranayama 200 hour yoga teacher training in Bali, with Shoshanti Yoga. And in February, I went to a more focused Tantra women’s training school in India, with Satya Loka Traditional Tantra School.

2 posts ago, I told you guys a long story about my spiritual awakening and where my healing journey towards the spinal injury of my herniated L5 disc has been.  I would like to share with you the new findings of my healing journey.  There are so may facets to healing from emotional, to mental, to anatomical, physiological and biological and the journey has been an emotional rollercoaster ride.

When I went to my first yoga teacher training in Bali, I was defeated. Many of the attendees were “Vinyasa heads” and connected to yoga more for the physical aspects, rather than the connection to the spirit, which is what is focused on in traditional Hatha.  I spent my sessions easing in and out of poses and honoring my body. Bikram in the past, when I was in athletic shape, focused on the masculine energy in the mastery of the pose. I find myself currently in the yin, healing where I surrender to the feminine.  Too much yang had many of my muscle groups tight.  What I discovered is that I was holding in the body.  But not only in the body, emotionally as well.

So here is a chart of the emotions we carry in the body.  Identify every single tight zone or trouble area you may have and look up the emotion correlated with these stagnant energies in the body.  Ironically, they are all pretty accurate.  I got really clear on what my intentions were for each yoga session.  This became a highly healing retreat for me.  I would wrote down 20 of my emotional blocks, and in one session, I would have life changing and altering shifts in mindset, as well as physical fascial releases. I continued doing this during the last two weeks of the retreat and shifted all that my heart was desiring DAILY and quickly, with little need for integration time.  The ability to observe without judgment. A hard leap for anyone to not taking things personal, and a leap out of my spiritual ego.  The biggest shift was the strengthening of energetic boundaries and protecting myself.  Only we can control with our subconscious mind what others take.  Energy vampires cannot take if you do not allow it to be so. It all begins with self. Scan your body and take note of your tight zones. And scan this chart. It will be uncanny how accurate it is and how certain emotions scientifically are proven to hold in certain areas of the body. Some people clear the physical and the emotions simultaneously without even being conscious of it. But the emotions release whether or not you are conscious of it. If you don’t heal the emotion, the injury will vibrationally continue reoccurring.

My next retreat in India, I was specifically really interested in anatomy. My anatomy teacher was a whiz!  I had discovered bandhas on a deeper level, or what a personal trainer would call activating your core. We have 3 bandha’s the root, the navel and the throat. In further activating these centers, I came to a place where I could self align my posture. In studying their amazing anatomy course they were using, I discovered that my trouble zones navigate through the entire core which is from the neck and all the intercostals down to the adductors or inner thighs.  I started doing simple tests and activation exercises, which I know from personal training and corrective exercise specialist training, and these tests showed me that my adductors were completely inactive. This morning on the bus, I hurt my back carrying my suitcase.  This actually activated a part in my middle back where I was inactive.  Now I am finally sitting up straight with good posture, despite my back pain which will go away in a few days. Now, when people think core, they often think abs, but there is a kinetic chain of muscles that connect from neck to the lower extremities that work together in synchronicity to hold the posture and spine straight, hold the hip in place, keep the knees in alignment and keep the muscles from moving without blockages. This begins with a strong core and includes the scalenes, the iliopsoas, the adductors and the TFL. The psoas, TFL and the piriformus were three muscle groups I completely looked over. If you scan the internet there is a lot of incomplete information on how to heal these issues. Bodybuilders are concerned with the primary movers and muscular stature, that they often overlook these stabilizing muscles. And that’s why you see legends like RONNIE COLEMAN on JOE ROGAN talking about why he has had surgery on each and every one of his spine vertebrae’s. It’s often hard to diagnose when you have pain in your neck, your back, and your knee, and it’s coming from an imbalance within your entire kinetic chain that you never consciously pay attention to. This needs to all cohesively be addressed.

As I studied this anatomy course, I started learning more about the illiopsoas and how the entire core and legs function together as a whole.  My entire spine injury has been related to the psoas being tight.  This specifically pulls on the inactive QL muscles and is the cause of my l5 herniated disc.  But what also caused the psoas from being tight?  One. Wearing high heels in the club and at work for years. 2 the constant tilt of the pelvis to stick out the glutes in bodybuilding IN HEELS gave me a tilted pelvis.  When walking around in Bali I realized the hips were tilted and started walking with a straight hip for once spontaneously. On another note, the scalenes or neck muscle are also part of the core and affect the entire body. Typing on the computer and being on the iPhone a lot gives your neck a curve forward which can effect your entire posture and create upper crossed syndrome affecting also your upper back shoulders and lat movements. On the 3rd note… I was sitting in a bean bag chair playing video games for 15 hours a day during Covid lockdown.  Sitting in this position for long hours shortens the psoas.  It was a beautiful disaster and all the perfect conditions for this spontaneous injury to happen.  

So what have I been discovering about my body now?  Well, the spine I have known is curved in several places and is not being stabilized.  Breast implants causes my upper body to have a slight slouch. I need to remove my breast implants. The herniated disc has my psoas pulling down so my QL wasn’t stabilizing my core. So this has my spine curving in three places. This is because the stabilization of the spine in the l5 and sacrum doesn’t allow me to have strength to balance when there are multiple tight zones in the body.  So I have been chasing around static stretching and foam rolling tight areas while instability moves back and forth throughout my body and spine. You have to really learn to move the body in a free way as I liked to call ecstatic movement.  Rotate the body parts into each direction so that you can move tight and stagnant areas especially in the joints and hips.  Kind of like an ecstatic dance where you let the body move wildly however it chooses to.

Now it wasn’t yoga that specifically helped me heal.  Yoga helped me learn to release, tune into the body more and listen to what the emotions were telling me to heal, and yoga specifically focused on the core and spine.  I found most poses difficult because my posture was so out of alignment and when you are out of alignment, you cannot hit poses without hurting yourself more.  So the key was to back out of the pose and listen to where I need to soften.  This started helping me realign naturally.  Little bit at a time.  But it wasn’t all the answer.  I will say tho… diaphragmatic breathing helps a lot. Breathing incorrectly can cause more anxiety and stress if we have reversed breathing or incorrect breathing patterns. I had to fine tune my breath work. But through breath work and clearing the noise, you get more clear in your process.

I recall seeing a Proprioceptive Neuromuscular Facilitation specialist in Vegas when I was first healing in 2020.  I only went to one session and then I quit because I couldn’t afford it.  As I sit here on the train, my friend txt me that he could tap into my energy and my hamstrings were inactive. He always is tapping into my energy, it’s so bizarre I thought he was crazy at first, but then I started listening and our interactions became gold.

So what I did was ground my heels into the ground.  I squeezed my bandhas.  Closed my eyes.  And went into a meditative breath to tap into the body and the energy.  I could feel energy open through the hamstrings and it released the tension between the feet, all the way up the back, to the neck, and opened the entire core channel from feet to neck.  Now my hamstrings are back online.  I played with this push and pull technique in the rest of my body.  This is how I reactivated muscles in my upper body when I had a shoulder injury and dislocated my shoulder. 

The strange thing I noticed is when I sit in a chair, I keep my toe constantly flexed.  This is a programmed condition from wearing heels.  So for about 15 minutes I deeply focused on driving my energy deep into my feet, mainly the heels. This released more tension in the entire core line, hip tension, and tension in my knee.  My feet still go in flex but it’s not as bad.  I think I will incorporate these grounding techniques daily until I release the tension in my feet. This will affect my entire kinetic chain.  As I play with the grounding of my heels, the tension of my hips and lower back release.  As I play with tension in the neck, the jaw, the shoulders, tension also in my back and hip release.  Tension and intensity in the nervous system in the past had my upper and lower extremities putting stress on the body with opposing torsion. I had beginning states of plantar fasciatus and have to constantly keep the feet stretching. It’s quite painful and when you get these kind of injuries they can become life long and incurable if left untreated for too long.

You have to find the muscles that are also inactive.   For me, my entire body went inactive during my state of paralysis at the beginning of the injury.  I had to reactivate every muscle in my body on my own.  But the crazy thing is new little muscle groups will fire off, ones that you forgot and didn’t know they were there. My injury is very unexplained. I had good posture then and was in bodybuilder shape. I believe I had done some injections and we had used a generic hylauronic acid. Could I have gotten neurotoxin? There is something about this that seems highly neurological and not purely physical. The central nervous system is not suppose to repair. But for some reason, I was able to turn things back on. Energy and reiki jump started the engine. But now I had to figure out every wire of the car and how to put it back together on my own. This can be very expensive if you try to pay for it, but I noticed that I always called in what I needed among friends, family and professional trade work, and hired professionals here and there when I could.

BULLET POINTS

• Apart from healing the mind and negative self talk, I had to do plant medicine to open my mind, make lifestyle changes, and change the relationship with myself and how I show up for myself.

• Healing the emotions and stuck trauma, I had to do a lot of shadow work and learned cbt and dbt therapy as well as energy clearing.

• Calming the nervous system through breath work, aruveydic diet and proper exercise and yoga.

• Learning how to diaphragmatic breathe correctly through yoga and breath work facilitation. (there are many types)

• Learning to surrender, soften and let go (through yoga) FINDING THE BALANCE

• Activating core (through exercise and yoga)

• Restrengthening the under active muscles. (primary muscle weight training)

• Stretching tight areas via static stretch and foam rolling (you can hire a CES specialist or look up corrective exercise and CES analysis if you are anatomy savvy)

• Reactivating unactivated muscle groups. (PNF therapy or dry needle acupuncture. I was fortunate to have my mom do $5000 worth of free acupuncture on me.). But PNF is a simple technique if you understand anatomy. But there seems to be a lack of quality practitioners. PNF and stretch coaches go in similar categories but are different. Make sure they are a highly qualified practitioner who works with injured people on the regular. The average personal trainer in the corporate gym I see always pretending they know what they’re doing, but I do one mini session with them, and they’re always lost.

• I went to Bali and I got so many massages. But be careful where you go, get referrals and check reviews. I always like to look for energy body work and healers and Ayurvedic spas as they tend to be better practitioners. But this may not always be the case. Use your intuition!

• Herbs and food was a huge part of my healing. Yoga diet is nice to lose extra weight and clearing sugars helps the body heal quicker. But I’ve also struggled in the past with thyroid and adrenal burn out. Finding the right foods to eat and the right herbs can help the body and mind replenish and heal quicker. Where as someone with thyroid issues can benefit from a Mediterranean rich diet of avocados, olive oil, eggs and fish and seafood and iodine. Where as someone looking to detox the mind might go sattvic/ayurvedic.

The truth is, there is not one fix for these issues.  You have to heal the emotions and the mind, and the rest will follow.  

Consciousness is key.  Self body awareness is key.  Follow the energy and the body will tell you how to heal itself. I learned intuitively and with a basic knowledge of anatomy and googling a lot about anatomy, brain function and physiology. The body told me how to heal and I listened.

the Truth is Pathless

My girlfriends post on Instagram stirred some feelings in me today. She is a sweet angel spirit and so sensitive, and she seemed so distraught over this situation. I remember feeling lost, and not being accepted or liked by some girls who had a “you can sit with us (for ayahausaca lol)” kind of vibe. But this woman, she was a sweet heart. Being into new age spirituality, she lost many of her friends to a group called “New Age for Jesus.”

How this happens, is quite simple. Ever seen that kid who has a man bun, wears a crystal around his neck, mala beads, goes to all the music festivals, yoga and kundalini classes and sound healing and loves to hit on the lovely goddesses but his energy is unawakened and unconscious? These are the fake spiritualists. They have lost their way in the path and the process. Or the gypsy fortune teller trying to make a buck. Unfortunately there are a few bad seeds that give the psychic and gifted ones a bad rep and make the masses skeptical of mysticism. They have no truth faith or belief in what is their truth and I like to call it lost in the sauce. I have been guilty of this. Even having great faith in my own personal spiritual beliefs, I have been guilty of searching for answers outside of myself and studying many religions and philosophies. What I’ve come to learn is that they all lead you to the same answers and have many similarities and parallels.

When I saw her post, it reminded me of friends I had lost. Years later, I laugh, what a blessing those people are no longer in my life. The universe has a way of taking out the trash and leveling you up on its own. Not to be so vague as to call old friends trash because I am eternally grateful for the lessons and growth of the passerby’s in my life. But as you level up, you will start to see how far you’ve grown and when others aren’t growing around you, it’s a true testament to your own growth and commitment. And this is the universe’s way of clearing the path for the real ride or dies who are suppose to be by your side.

One of my best friends stopped calling me. She even lied about moving out of town until I saw her performing in town and she tried to lie about it, until she had gossiped about me to one of our mutual friends and professional client. This mutual friend, was truly a friend, because she asked me about it. And I was so grateful that she was respectful enough to be honest with me. Confronting the gossip, I asked her, why would you say that about me. And why would you lie to me about moving away? What did I ever do to you except take you in my house when you needed a place to stay, and help you heal from your relationship issues. I’ve done nothing but open my home and heart to you and this is how you betray me. It hurts. She finally broke down and said she found Jesus and tarot and reiki is evil and from the devil. And she is denouncing all of her new age friends. I could not believe what I was hearing.

New age spirituality is about finding the truth within. These modalities are tools. Not religions. It’s energy. It’s science and quantum physics. Some like to wrap it up with esoteric and call it mystical and magic. I like the woo woo, it makes everything more fun. Don’t get me wrong, I like to tell people I know magic and can manifest fantastic things, but to be honest, everything can be correlated with the science of the brain and energy and quantum physics in my inner reality. And that’s the key words. INNER REALITY. We all have a different inner reality and we can learn to accept that truth within others and be accepting and coexist. Religion is so dividing and it’s sad to see.

I was raised in a Mormon family and I can say the wounds of division, rejection, unacceptance and judgement are deep. I have helped many who have wounds from extremely conservative religions also Mormon, Muslim and Jehovah Witness. I would like to work with recovering Scientologists as well, as the subject of religious trauma greatly interests me in a scholarly way. My wounds towards religion, up until recently, had me in a very wounded anti Christian attitude towards dogma, religion or strict rules. I was emotionally neglected and abused by my parents for not embracing their religion. A couple weeks ago, I attended a Tantra teacher training in India. I was very triggered by the rules and what I assessed as lost attendees losing themself in the practice vs having their own spiritual strength, faith and belief. Of course, they are seeking and that is fine where ever they are on their path. As a self realized woman, I could see this because it is work I have had to work through. And in that very moment, I had gone to a Tantra yoga training that I probably didn’t need, because I was seeking outside of myself. While I learned so much, and it was one of the most amazing healing retreats I’ve ever attended, I realized my intention for being there was seeking outside of myself.

In new age spirituality it’s common for people to use different guides from many different religions. I think that is what makes it so special. You can create your own world and reality and what resonates with you. You can work with Quan Yin or you can work with Jesus or you can work with Ganesh or Aphrodite or Egyptian gods or whoever comes to you. That’s the beauty. Is you don’t seek them. They come to you naturally. Mine have come in the form of snow leopard, the sun, mother Gaia, and an angel. I was driving down the road one day when the warm sun was soaking in my skin, when the name Surya came to me. I have never known this name. And later would learn it to be the god of the sun in Hindi. I have not had the fortune of calling in other gods yet. But with this new openness to connecting to my crown chakra energy, I’m starting to feel something is on the horizon. So it’s not uncommon for those in new age spirituality to use angels and Jesus as their guides even if they are not of Christian religion.

Up until recently I denied myself of Christ energy because of my religious wounds. Until one day in one of my meditations, I got my “angel wings” back. In the history of the fallen angels there were 144,000 fallen angels. And we have “forgotten.” I had forgotten and denied my truth and severed my connection with source. When I came to this realization, I could feel this energy open my heart and the injury in my back that I have had for a decade was gone. While this can be considered a spiritual mystical experience. It can also be explained by emotions being trapped in the body and when those emotions released so did the trauma energetically in my body. And when fascia is released, the nerves feel tingly and energetically sensitive and explosive in the muscle.

My spiritual path, visions and meditations have shown me great insight into gnosticism which is the history of what makes Samsara, a Hindi philosophy and Christianity make sense. Which is why I cannot deny Christianity altogether. And we have books like Sophia Codes which tie these philosophies in with philosophies of evil and good or dark and light, heaven and hell, demons and spirits. What is the Bible but a book that a man wrote and channeled? It’s not any different from Einsten, Tesla, the Bible, the Quran, Tolkien, the Bhagavad Gita or a Fantasy Book channeling a message of wisdom that can transform and inspire and influence society as a whole. All religions have wisdom and truth and positivity in each and every one of them. It’s when it becomes religious and dogmatic and we start seeing the darker side of the light that it becomes cringe.

I recalled a docufilm filmed on 70 mm film called Samsara. It is a collection of gorgeous videography and music telling a clear story about creation and destruction, life and death, simplicity and consumerism and the nature of dark and light and the repetitive cycle of history repeating itself. This is nature. The cycle of reincarnation. SAMSARA. All things have dark and all things have light, and even when the light is too bright it must fall, and when things are too dark, light must bring balance. It is this endless eternal balance between the dark and the light. One cannot exist without the other. As peoples light grows, as do their shadows often. Understanding this polarity can teach balance. For example, the dark side of hyper-spirituality can grow to be dark. Where someone thinks they are honoring their religion by outcasting others, murdering in the name of Allah, or even going to extremes like Hitler and committing genocide or honor killing your daughter for breaking a religious law. This is the dark side.

While visiting Rome, I could feel the priests in their cloaks with their crosses and their lack of humility in their energy because of the entitlement they got from their spiritual stature. But you can have the yogi who denounces materialism and puts their faith in gurus. I have seen the yogi become penniless and lose passion for life and trust in themselves. They dedicate themselves to the path and rely on outside validation. This is the darkness. Because in the blindness, you are lost and in the darkness is the vibration of fear, the unknowing, and seeking. The lack of present moment that we are all searching for that cannot be found when you are searching outside of yourself. This is also suffering. Not to denounce Christianity or Yogic philosophy, but to explain the darkness of committing a path without finding truth within yourself. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. And sometimes the path to hell (losing yourself) is religion and spiritual practice and belief itself.

Watch Samsara HERE it’s truly a piece of art.

Each time I put blind faith in others, I am disappointed to find that I was seeking outside of myself again, and that the answers were always within. It’s not to say to not get help, and not practice these practices that are tools to help you on the path. Just don’t get lost in the sauce homey.

On a last note. I have found myself faced with the fact that I catch spiritualists caught in Plato’s Cave. Plato’s cave is the old concept of “the Matrix.” But then again, if we think we are out of the matrix or out of Platos cave that means that perception could also be a projection of the cave or projections of those in power of those unknowing. (but this is another conversation) If you are a self realized, awakened individual, you do not play in the Matrix. I almost paid $5000 for a retreat until I found out the host was vaccinated. Many have denounced Buddhism, because they are requiring vaccinations. This is where I’m starting to see a huge divide. This girl calls herself a healer, yet she is going to political rallies for Trump. I have a political preference, due to policy, but I don’t support political parties or go to rallies because this is part of identity and agencies of the matrix. So to see healers and so called spiritualists get trapped in the game, it’s a true testament to who the real ones are. Sometimes they get lost, so they can find themself again. I like to say, sharks don’t swim backwards. And I already learned the wounds of religion and seclusion. And that’s a lesson on their spiritual path to learn.

All paths go to the same destination no matter what path you take, but the truth, the truth is pathless.

Kristie Manning

How I Became the Master of My Body: My Healing Journey

If you read my last blog about atheism you will see that I am no stranger to psychedelics and entheogenic plant medicine. I’d be lying if I said healing the physical only involves science and the physical realm. Healing isn’t one dimensional, it takes being open to trying new things. Everything wasn’t as expected and when you wanted to learn something from an experience, you learned something completely different than what you expected. If you are exploring your healing journey I implore you to be open, try everything once (or 3 times).

When I coach on healing, I talk about the physical, mental, subconscious mind and spiritual. At different parts of my journey unlocking the awareness in another facet further pushed along my healing. You can heal a broken ankle physically, but if you hold onto the emotional trauma that is being held there your ankle won’t fully heal. Sometimes doing 3rd eye work can bring you downloads and bring greater to awareness to physical aspects. Knowledge and awareness is a great key sometimes we neglect. We can only experience the world as deep as our subconscious mind will allow us to go.

When I started my journey, I had been a fitness trainer for over 12 years. I was very knowledgable of the body and very aware of my motor movements. What I was not aware of is that years of lifting with a poor pelvic floor had caught up with me. It was April of 2020 and my L5 disc in my lower spine had just given out. I was paralyzed and needed to be carried to the hospital. Without the use of painkillers I had to rehabilitate myself back to mobility. I got around the house with a walker and my daughter had to lift me up and down off the toilet. It wasn’t a good month before I could go up the stairs again or sit up on my own. I didn’t really know what was going on or what caused this, as it was spontaneous. It took them over 6 months to get an MRI. By then my healing had stagnated. I was mobile again, but the pain was lingering and I was limited to under 1 mile walks, no running, no squatting, no plyometrics and only light weight in the gym. I felt defeated and gave up. Yoga kept me from falling apart, but I was never on top of healing. I had to retrain my mind to muscle connection which after over 2 years still hasn’t recovered.

I learned how to do energy on myself, repair the body through breath and received a lot of massage and chiropractic care as well. I would be aligned for a week but within a day my knees, hips and back was out of whack again. My spine would not stabilize.

Several months ago I had my atlas (c1) and axis (c2) adjusted by a very skilled chiropractor in Venice Beach. I had neck ache for 3 days but it was worth the tension that was released.

It wasn’t until June of 2022 that I returned home to Honolulu. My mother is a talented body worker so lucky for me I had daily access to tune ups. This injury had wreaked havoc in my body and if I did not heal it, I was beginning to be in a degenerative state with the beginning stages of plantar fasciatus showing in my foot. My mother does dry needling, or acupuncture hooked up to the electrons that shock stimulation into your nerves. Moving from the neck, to the ankle, to the knees to the back, to the hips, I started to realize there wasn’t a place in my body that wasn’t unaffected. For 3 weeks she moved around my body reactivating the proprioception in every single muscle group in my body, including the psoas. The mind muscle connections all weren’t working. Look at it like the thought of moving your muscle is you pushing the car pedal, but the wires aren’t sending the message to the car, so you have delayed and weakened responses. The nerves weren’t getting the message to move so my body wasn’t moving kinetically in a proper function. Because of this, certain areas became very tight. The inner thigh and outer thigh on one side, the neck and scalene, the lower lumbar, piriformus and also the ankle and parts of the calves due to falling down the stairs twice in 2021. There was so much havoc going on in my body I didn’t know where to start.

I got a membership at Yoga Room Hawaii and started tuning into my body deeper. I started going to yoga every single day. I guess I was defeated emotionally because yoga wasn’t helping me get ahead of my injuries, it was only keeping them at bay. But I am glad I came back to yoga this time.

The way I initially started feeling deeper into my body is through a medicine called sassafras. I would compare it to the plant medicine natural version of MDMA or ecstasy/Molly. It is extremely heart opening and as we open our hearts, our abilities to feel and empath qualities seem to enhance. After one of my sassafras experiences my empath abilities greatly enhanced and I could tune in more greatly into the body. However, feeling everything was very difficult and took me many months to integrate. It was almost as if having a 7th sense (6th being intuition) and I had to learn how to walk at first. When you are feeling instead of thinking it can throw off the way you interpret and be confusing. I believe this is what they call mind and heart cohesion. It took me a few months to integrate the wisdom of the mind with the feelings of the heart. I was watching a dr Joe Dispenza video about survival mode and PTSD and he explained that we THINK the world as cells and structures, but when you switch to the heart, you FEEL the world. This small bit of knowledge was the missing puzzle piece to help me integrate the mind to the heart so they were working in symphony and not separately. This is called MIND HEART COHESION.

As I learned to tune in greater in my body, for quite some time now, I could turn my body into a self healing state through slow yin breath. When I surrender to the spot the tension is, I learned to let go. This is the mental block where you’re holding on to things mentally. When I did this I could literally feel the tension melting in my body, like a Rubik’s cube going through a maze of things that need to be untwisted, I can feel the nerves like a million electric wires releasing energy that is no longer serving me. This is the mental and the neuro part of healing. The nerves need to be calmed down.

Upon doing about 3 weeks of yoga, my spine started to open up. This was key to figuring out where needed to be further opened up. I took a breath work class at Yoga Room. Eric learned this technique during an Aya retreat at Rhythmia. This induced lobster claw in me which sent a lot of pain to my hands and panic as it happened. I remembered to slow the mind and let go. But for some reason it would not release. It was showing me where the control was in my body. Over the next few days I started to release control physically in the body. This was conscious awareness releasing the mental blockage that was manifesting physically in the body as tension. As this happened I could feel vertebrae’s open, millions of neurons turning on like electrical chords up my back, and even had to pull over in the car as sparks of fireworks appeared in my peripheral view, almost as if I had a dmt activation or kundalini release. As these things happen you start to understand the difference between tension, control, and purging processes. Following the next few days I had a purging process where stuck energies released, again feeling like a waterfall of energies surrendering to be exited out of the body.

As I slowly explored yoga I eased in and out of poses I could and could not do. Some opened my tight chest areas, some opened my seratus and chest and lung cavity, ending with gasps of breath, heart opening “yoga-gasms.”

My balance is very poor due to s1 instability. And I cannot twist my pelvis and I discovered that my right hip is a whole 2″ lower than my right. This lead me to explore pelvic floor exercises. Within ONE day of doing pc therapies I could feel a difference. Had I been lifting the last 15+ years during my bodybuilding days with a weakened pelvic floor? I still can’t be sure as I’m still moving through this process, so I will update you soon. I was able to tune into where the muscles were tight to get them massaged out. I was able to stretch and align where needed to be. I went to a chiropractor for adjustments. This chiropractor doesn’t see new clients but my mother has been a client for 20 years so she got me in to see him. He does a very gentle technique that does not utilize cracking of joints called “non-manipulative chiropractics.” I felt very aligned after these sessions. Then I started to notice the hip still displaced a few days later. So I went to my mom and affiliated this with tight IT bands. She massaged the bands for 3 hours and aligned my hips and to my amazement 3 days laters and a few gym and yoga sessions they are still in alignment. Progress!

Still chasing after the source of my issues, I asked my mother to do a psoas activation acupuncture session. Then I got a membership at the gym to start lifting. I do not do squats, lunges or deadlifts as compression lifts can agitate the spine/coccyx/sacrum area. However I did experiment with very light leg presses with a machine that is not stationary. One of those machines that rocks as you move so ergonomically it’s better for your kinetic chain and your back I imagine. At even only 40-60 lbs ( I use to do 250+ lbs) my lower back is agitated, which shows me there is hip/coccyx issues. As I started to slowly do leg presses I realized that my hip was unaligned. So this lead me to do kegals while lifting. By drawing in the belly button, lightly tucking the tailbone (This protects the spine and coccyx) I was able to put more of the tension in the glutes while doing a leg press. Have I been lifting my entire life without proper kinetic movement? This completely changed it and my glutes were instantly pumped. This would explain why I could push 250+ lbs but my glutes weren’t growing as much as the work I was putting in. The lower back was taking part of the strain.

So today my hips are aligned but there is pelvic floor work to be done. I decided to read up on what I was experiencing, and L5 disc injuries are often related to s1 and pelvic floor injuries which also impact nerves and mind muscle connection to the lower extremities. If I knew this 2 years ago I would have viewed my healing in a different way. Fact: 95% of women with lower back pain have weakened pelvic floors. I am finally aligning but my PC muscles are too weak to stabilize and execute lunges or squats for example. With my ankle opening up I have to be very careful and slow of what I’m feeling when doing balancing yoga poses or anything one legged. There are hundreds of bones in the foot and there are still a few inactive places I’m still working out. I imagine as my hip heals and alignment happens, the leg and ankle will heal also.

These types of injuries can cause leaking of bladder, especially during coughing, leg and back pain, piriformus and sciatica, pain during sex, etc. I’ve experienced all of these at some periods, but they are starting to get better.

As far as emotions, last year I went through great lengths to clear the sacral energies. Water sitting, which consists of sitting in streams and allowing water to clear energy. Writing and burning of letters to all of your sexual partners, the mindful intention of releasing energies tied to ex sexual partners. This was followed by a long release of chemicals and neuro-functions in the body. Yoni baths with raspberry leaf, orange and damiana leaf to heal the vagina. Obsidian yoni eggs to clear energy. etc.

The sacral is where we hold onto shame, guilt and intimacy. The Sacral chakra seeks pleasure, enjoyment, and connection to others through the flow and movement represented by water. We can sometimes feel stuck, unable to connect sexually, or have a flow of creative processes. It can block our ability to connect with others and can cause us to isolate or have anxiety.

However, being in the coccyx and hip and feet injuries, this is also root chakra related. My financial problems left by unemployment during the covid crisis and changes during my life recently to go nomadic and decide to travel has left me exploring family wounds, stability and safety wounds. As I find my stability here in Honolulu, everything is going well, I can begin to calm the nerves around those feelings of feeling ungrounded and unstable. It’s important to explore the emotions around physical trauma’s as well, because often we will hold onto things or they will reoccur if they are emotionally tied.

I have had a few tantric yoni massages. My first was with my boyfriend, then my other 2 workers are in Sedona and Los Angeles and come highly recommended. If you are interested in a yoni massage find yourself a very trust worthy energy worker or a referral from a fellow girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I was relieved to hear that the practitioner I had chosen was also the practitioner my chiropractor in LA chose to buy a session for his girlfriend. If guys are trusting them with their girlfriend, then I approve. (:

There is nothing sexual about this, in fact, if you are uncomfortable about someone touching your yoni, look at it like a doctor, or a boyfriend or anyone else massaging you as a therapy, and not as a sexual practice. If we need a massage for our back, we need one for our yoni’s also. Tune into what emotions you may be feeling while getting the massage. A good practitioner moves very slowly while you are experiencing what you are, never forcing their way in. They will stop and wait for you to release your feelings of embarrassment or shame or guilt or whatever you may be experiencing. I always get a little uptight but I honor the process, breath and remember to relax. This is an advanced practice and I implore you to not run away from what you’re feeling but explore it and release it as it comes up. Upon successfully releasing, you will feel an orgasmic (energy orgasm) where tension once built up. Not your traditional orgasm, although orgasms aren’t uncommon, they are not the goal in tantric yoni massage.

So there’s where I’m at in my healing journey. The pc muscles need restrengthening and I’m 1 inch away from stabilizing my spine and s1 through yoga and proper exercise. When I’m in the gym I do simple stabilizing exercises like glute bridges and toe touches and alternating windmills. This may seem silly but it’s a good foundation to make sure your hips are moving in alignment and if they aren’t, they will pop back in eventually when you find the right basic movement.

Tonite I am playing around with cervical (neck) stretches which is directly relating with my hips, opening up the throat chakra through neck stretches, and instead of trying to figure out what’s going on with my back and chest, I decided to open the heart chakra space and many things have opened up.

If you have any input or info you’d like to share pls post a comment below or shoot me a dm on instagram @5dpapillon

Aloha

xoxo

How Plant Medicine Made an Atheist Believe: Gnosticism and an Initiation to Shamanism.

I don’t know much about gnosticism, but if you are into new age or “we are one-ness” chances are that you didn’t know that the origins of many of the belief came from gnosticism. While gnosticism can have many pagan and pre-christian beliefs that can seem far fetched, all religions have pieces of the puzzle that overlap into bigger stories. Gnosticism explains the missing puzzle piece of Christianity before Genesis and how we came to earth and our human form. There are many metaphors in religious texts that sometimes we often take for face value. For example the 7 classifications of demons:

1. Lucifer: pride
2. Beelzebub: envy
3. Sathanas: wrath
4. Abadon: sloth
5. Mammon: greed
6. Belphegor: gluttony
7. Asmodeus: lust

We could choose to look at demons as entities. As an external man (Beelzebub was a woman) outside of us, tempting us to sin. Or we can look at it as an energy or vibration. That the demon is within us. We are all capable of our choices, light and dark. Demon and God.

In gnosticism we hear about the Archons being the builders of the universe. Archons are entities which are demi gods. Not knowing, their true origins, they birthed 144,000 fallen angels and entrapped them in the Kingdom of Darkness (Earth) in human form. It is here that they feed off the light of the angels, keeping them from the upper realms and kingdoms of light.

You can read more about archons here

AND

I glimpsed upon this PDF of this book: Archon Hidden Rules through the Ages when I was experiencing these experiences. The first few pages explain the beginning of the universe and the meaning of existence, according to gnosticism.

Now if you read this book, you’ll see a lot of information that may seem synchronistic if you’re “alien people” who resonate with your past life being of Pleidian or Arcturian descent or that Reptilians control this world and many named politicians such as Bush and the Queen of England are ruled by reptilians.
OR
You can look at is a total crock pot conspiracy theory and those people are weirdos.

Nonetheless. I use to think that they are weirdos.

My opinion on that changed the day I became aware of my awakened state. I threw a Christmas sound healing dinner party over the holidays in 2020 and was introduced to my future boyfriend. Nahum Vizaki’s the Spiritual Bodybuilder. While, our relationship was tumultuous and a great learning experience, I wouldn’t trade the introduction. While in the kitchen he put his magic hands on my back. I could feel the strength in his energy so I came to him that week for bodywork. We ended up dating, so lucky for me, I got a lot of free bodywork and what turned into our initiation into shamanism.

In April of 2020 I suffered from a spontaneous herniated disc. (You can read more about it in my next blog.) I had spent the year suffering with pain not knowing what to do. I had chiropractic care, some reiki and energy work done, and stayed active in the gym to keep my body opening up.

I had been sitting with hape, a shamanic medicine used to open the 3rd eye, open the heart and ground you. I was new to all of this at the time. The first few sittings with hape were very purgative and resistant. After I decided to do a 10 day dieta with the medicine as suggested by my shaman girlfriend, Azzy, my heart opened up and I learned the process of “letting go.”

During one of my body work sessions with Nahum, I remember him telling me to LET GO. When this happened it was as if a vortex sucked me out from my heart and I was blasting off into the cosmos learning amazing things about my subconscious mind as we merged our subconscious minds together. I discovered a deeply hidden dissociative disorder which is now healed through the art of intention and creation and mindfulness. Among other things, Nahum had never merged subconsciouses in that sort of way before. Our energy connection was powerfully strong.

After this journey, I started to feel energy. When I came out of the journey Nahum and I laid in bed together. I could feel energy like electric floating through my body and through my finger tips. I told him I feel like a Xmen. We use to joke that I am Jean Grey and I have to get my mind under control. Then for the first time we telepathically communicated. I kept laughing, “are you talking to me?” This is the day I discovered my path as a healer. I did free sessions for a week to learn and see and explore and another week of donation based sessions and I was amazed at how much my intuition actually was accurate in feeling things when I tuned into it and how much I was actually helping others. I could feel peoples pain in their hearts, their ungrounded-ness, their sexual traumas, I could feel it all. But did I actually want to feel this? There were times that I wish I could go back and have that blue pill, because learning how to hone your abilities is a challenge in itself.

The next day with my heightened awareness I decided to do a lamp session. (I own a pandora star lamp, you can read more about it at dmtlasvegas.com.) For the first time it wasn’t working for me. I couldn’t see the vibrant colors I usually see, I couldn’t astral project or travel, or drop into deeper meditative states. Instead I was agitated by my inability to escape the present moment which was anticipating a destination. I saw black and white and squiggly lines which reminded me of alien energy or Venom the Marvel character. My dog would growl whenever I would meditate under the lamp and she started growling at the door. Oreo is very sensitive to energy and I have seen her growl around spirits and ghosts and even begin to shake. I saw an alien like spirit standing by my door. I couldn’t believe this and I just brushed it off like I was tripping.

The next day, a new client came in for a lamp session. As she walked through the door she peered up and down telling me I have an alien entity in the house. She told me she is a spirit medium and clears energies. I asked her if she knew what it was an she said she doesn’t work with alien entities or know much about it. But that someone had done mushrooms under my lamp and she showed me the spot where it happened. I had some friends over the previous week and I am sure they were on substance. The lamp is a portal and psychedelics opens you up to different portals and energies.

I met Valentina, a Ukranian neo-shaman. I had one of the most beautiful sound journeys with her family I’ve ever experienced. We connected and we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. I explained to her that I previously took some psychedelics under the lamp and fell asleep. I woke up very discombobulated and I thought this could be the reason for my experiences. She spoke about cleaning the holes in my auric field, clearing entities and soul fragmentation and soul retrieval. The lamp is a portal. Light is a portal. I am a gate keeper and I must be responsible in my role here. This didn’t resonate with me at the time and I thought she was insane. Today, this completely 100% resonates with me and if you know about shamanism and energy, these ideologies are in alignment with many healers, energy workers and shamans.

A client came in and I shared with her my experience. She told me to “ask your higher self.” I never asked my higher self. I didn’t know what this meant. So next time I was under the lamp I asked my higher self, and immediately she spoke back to me. They’re entities.

I freaked out like I had a demon possession in my house. I called my friend Silvia, a Bulgarian intuitive psychic who clears entities, possessions and does energy healing. She told me there was a portal that needed to be closed and that there were entities. Then we explored what kind of entities they were. Archons. I searched for what these archons were and I found that book I referenced above in the link. The photo of the archons was exactly what I saw. Also I read the description of their energies as being alien like and tentacle-y and black and squiggly and this resonated with what I saw. She closed the portals, taught me how to clear entities and that was the end of my entity story.

The history of archons is that they are here to block our crown chakras, or block us from our higher selfs. To keep us here as slaves to our physical suffering. They are here to keep us unawakened in the wheel of re-incarnation. As I began my journey to connect to my spirit guides, I understood the parallels of this lesson and what I was experiencing being disconnected from source and the light for so long.

Do I believe in aliens? Or is this a figment of my imagination? I tend to blend the woo-woo with science, which is what we call Neo-shamanism. I believe we can explain these happenings in neuroscience, especially since psychedelics are often involved. To be honest, I wasn’t high when I was experiencing these things. I believe (among many other alien believers) aliens are a non physical vibration. Entities can be good or bad. Archons being aliens/entities/demons whatever you will call it, feed off or low vibrations, there are entities that are good aliens/angels/ascended masters etc. I look at all life as energy forms that go on forever if you are into metaphysical science.

Now to the interesting part. I smoked a lot of DMT in my day. I have done a good amount of psilocybin and LSD since middle school. I took a good 13 year hiatus from psychedelics after being dosed with mescaline and having a less than desirable trip. It scared me off of it for most of my 20s and early 30s. In 2020 I started taking micro doses of hallucinogens again, and it was much needed to heal the mind from the state of the world and the paradigm of the matrix I was trapped in.

I smoked buffo 5meo dmt with a Shaman twice in one weekend. Baffled with what I was experiencing, I blacked out and experience some sexual things ( I couldn’t fully remember ) and I felt like the bufo experience was a total bust. When I came to it I felt disconnected from the shaman and blamed it on him. I felt like I was resisting his energy. I didn’t trust him or feel safe. When I came out of the second trip I looked at my boyfriend and I said “is this about letting go?” He said “yes” and smiled at me and nodded. I really thought I was going to die and that none of this was real. I was in a matrix. In the fucking Truman show. I started to cry and he held me. I’m not ready to commit mental/spiritual suicide. I really thought if I just let go, I would die and the universe would go back to it’s original order. That humans are parasites destroying the planet and if I learn to let go, my mind had created this entire reality, there will be peace. I panicked.

I had reactivations that continued for 10 days and small reactivations over the next few months. Unable to ground, completely cracked open, I was forced into a state of PTSD, psychosis and had nonstop portals and information coming at me that I had to sort out. Healing, DMT and ayahuasca cracks open small facets a little bit of a time. But this showed me the whole universe crushing me all at once and it was too much for me to process. It was as if all the portals were open and I had to turn off all the radio stations. Imagine 100 radio stations on at once in your head for months and you don’t know what’s happening. All it took was an awareness that I needed to turn the radio off. The mind is a powerful tool when you learn how to control it. It can create anything you desire. Apart from that, I still had a disassociative disorder that was magnified now. It’s not that it got worse. It was more that I was more aware of it now than ever, suffering because of it, and didn’t know how to control it or stop it. This made it hard to do healing work, especially shadow work when you’re 30 minutes deep into a rabbit hole and you disassociate, you would have to start all over and do the work all over again.

I was in constant fear. Every time I closed my eyes I would fall into a state of dying. I didn’t go through the ego death during my bufo experience, I resisted it. It continued to haunt me every time I would fall sleep. I didn’t sleep the first night. I woke up in panic with PTSD and cortisol flooding through my body. Why was I afraid of dying? I asked the shaman how long this will continue for. He said a month… a year… t’s up to you how long you resist.

Over the next 10 days, I did not eat, nor sleep. Every time I feel asleep I would fall back to this place of dying. There were several times I thought I could induce an ego death by meditating and surrendering to it. But the truth is that I still had much more spiritual work to do and was not ready for this experience. Looking back, I was not equipped with the tools I am equipped with now to undergo such a deep spiritual experience. It was frightening. And Nahum still being in his beginning stages of his shamanic initiation could do little to help me. I learned from our relationship that we experience similar things but we learn on opposite spectrums. So what works for him, doesn’t work for me, and what works for me doesn’t work for him. It was a huge test in my own ability to hold space for myself. I learned to trust myself and not put so much faith and dependability on others. Even when being pressured. Honor yourself first. It was very painful that we were breaking up around that time. A few weeks later I had kicked him out of the house. It was heartbreaking to be experiencing this at the same time. I was falling apart and my partner couldn’t hold space for me because he was the cause of my heartache. I don’t know how I found the strength in me, but I did and I thank god because the universe always provides.

Over the next few months I had constant cortisol flooding especially upon awakening, and the fear that was flooding me from the fear of the unknown, death and oblivion haunted me. Usually when people experience the ego death, they experience bliss. Psychedelics can show a representation of your subconscious mind. Not heaven specifically. So it is to my understanding that in death we go on in the beauty of the subconscious mind that we create. So we are here to water that garden with experiences and create heaven. Bufo showed me what being an atheist meant. It showed me what that ride or die, live fast, die young, bad girls do it well attitude meant. It meant oblivion. And this experience that kept coming at me night after night was terrifying. Once I had reflected upon my astral travel ego death during my session with Nahum early in our relationship, I realized this was my reality and truth that I wasn’t open to receive.

I started to have very vivid dreams at this time that was teaching me about the secrets of the universe. I started to journal about them every day and interpret them. They were very clear to me. I started to have more dreams about death. I didn’t correlate them at first. Two weeks later, Nahum was in Mexico and disappeared for a few days. He did some extensive medicine journeys with some elders and when he returned his ego deaths were synchronistic with mine. I was driving down Malibu by the beach at midnight when I got this call and the fear lifted from me. The PTSD was gone. The awareness of what I already knew but didn’t know how to receive freed me from the fear of death.

The key is to find what resonates with you in all spiritual texts and wisdom. This is where we come to our own true spiritual understanding. If we close ourselves off to things that are different and trust in the word of another without questioning our own beliefs, we become infiltrated with indoctrination. Read. Meditate. Journal. Experience. Be open. But come to your own true experience without the infiltration of misinformation. The universe is conspiring to send you a message if you listen to what resonates with you. The journey opens up a path when you are ready to see it.

No bad trip is a bad trip. It’s trying to teach you something.

Namaste.

7 Things to do During a Spiritual Awakening.

1. Try new things. Chant, do kundalini, yoga, qi gong, work in the garden, paint, ecstatic dance, fire flow, cook, make music, write, start a new project, take a course, sign up for a class, do plant medicine, learn a new skill. You never know what new energies you are calling in, what new hobbies you will embrace, or what new people you will meet. You never know what will be crucial to your own healing journey or what may steer you into a new career or introduce you to your soul fam.
   
2. Connect yourself to new friends and new energies. Sometimes its hard to be in the energy of old friends as you ascend. This is normal. Find different communities. Go to like minded events like sound healing, meditations and circles. Staying connected regularly can help you stay on track and centered when you need a pick me up. I personally have my own events but try to attend someone elses event once a week for my own personal growth. Sometimes we need to be in our own energy, but dont be afraid to connect either and caught up in isolating yourself. Don’t put healers and gurus on pedestals. I also dont work with one healer. I work with many. Each healer has a unique energy and skill they work with and everyone can help you evolve in different ways.
   
3. Find yourself a schedule. When people think sprituality they think enlightenment, nirvana, meditation and astral travel. You have to swim the moat to get to the castle. Your spiritual gifts need support to be unlocked. Finding a good healthy diet and regiment is important to support the body at high energy vibrational frequencies. Did you know that the average yogi dies at 35 because they usually dont support their bodies nutritionally and physically? Energy work is particularly taxing on the spine and neurologically. This is why many turn to pranayama, yoga and qi gong. Find discipline in your routine whether that is taking extra time to self care, journal or meditate or clean up your diet. ayuverda diets are excellent. Eating for your energetic needs. Perhaps a social media detox is in order to shed that impulsive tick to play contantly on your phone. Or you find yourself distracted by a partner and would like to set clear boundaries for ”me time.”

4. Trust your intuition and flow. Sometimes we have an inkling in the back of our minds. Do you know the difference between intuition and the mind? Start to tune into the difference. We each feel energy uniquely and differently and learning to differentiate emotions from intuition is a great skill to have. When we start to accept whats happening in our life instead of declining opportunities we start to attract new energy into our lives. I made the mistake of pushing everyone away in the beginning. Once you start to look at every person as a lesson, every trigger as growth, real change began to happen. Allow the universe to attract and flow instead of controlling. Surrender. Let go.

5. Study all the world religions. I personally study buddhism and hinduism. There is wisdom in all of them. New age has a lot of programming that can be confusing. Dont allow yourself to be influenced by indoctrination or others beliefs. Spirituality is within. Find your own path and come to your own synchronicities and experience because each persons experience is unique.

6. Destination preoccupation. This is when you become obsessed with a destination. If you believe in the fibonacci or 3-6-9 then the wheel of time continues on infinitely. Chasing a conclusion or perfection will lead you down dark corridors of fighting with your shadow, constantly searching, instead of embracing it, retriggering and retraumatizing. You are already whole and healed. You dont need to chase after destinations. Live in the moment. Flow. Honor your heart day to day and do the work. If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. When you live present in the heart you are freeing yourself from the chains of the ego mind and emotion.

7. Journal everyday. Write about your dreams. Get in tune with your emotions. Reflect upon your thoughts. Examine patterns and loops. Make goals and write out positive affirmations. Grattitude is an excellent thing to journal about. A grateful heart is an abundant heart and recieving. Meditation is the ultimate daily practice but to some this can be difficult if you have not done this before. Journaling is a great way to start. When I first started I could not meditate but when I got my Pandora Star, I learned how to relax into deeper states. Through brainwave entrainment, and altering brainwave states, the lamp helps you easily relax and drop into a meditative state.

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