Slip by Elliot Moss


Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa

I won’t keep watching you
Dance around in your smoke
And flicker out
You’re not the light I used to know
I don’t believe in safety nets
Strung below that make it alright
To let go
You gotta hold on

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

What’s the matter?
You don’t have enough rain
To make up your storm?
Oooh whatcha look so sad for?
Where’s the light I used to know?

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s the light I used to know?
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Above and Beyond pres. Ocean Lab – Lonely Girl


Staring at the top sheet
Listening to my heart beat
Wondering how to say it
Playing over one track
Wanting you to come back
Want to have you here
Lying on a cold sheet
Jump into my car seat
Drive down to the river
Nightlight is reflecting
Somehow I’m expecting
Your voice in my ear
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Lying in the long grass
Watching as the clouds pass
Hands held in silence
Your arms right around me
Feeling glad you found me
Feeling like I’m home
Wish you would remember
April to September
Wanting to be near me
Waiting for the sunrise
Staring into my eyes
You and I alone
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Lie back in my own dream
Playback on a big screen
You and me together
Why give up a love found
Wish that I could write down
What you mean to me
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Was it so wrong
You know you said you loved me
Could it be so easy
Just to walk away
Was it so wrong
You know you said you loved me
Could it be so easy
Just to walk away

Faded by Alan Walker


You were the shadow to my light
Did you feel us
Another start
You fade away
Afraid our aim is out of sight
Wanna see us
Alive
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Was it all in my fantasy
Where are you now
Were you only imaginary
Where are you now
Atlantis
Under the sea
Under the sea
Where are you now
Another dream
The monsters running wild inside of me
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
These shallow waters, never met
What I needed
I’m letting go
A deeper dive
Eternal silence of the sea
I’m breathing
Alive
Where are you now
Where are you now
Under the bright
But faded lights
You set my heart on fire
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Atlantis
Under the sea
Under the sea
Where are you now
Another dream
The monsters running wild inside of me
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded

the Road Less Traveled


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I’ve traveled paths many would never dare.  Path’s that people judge with dismay and fear. I chose the path less traveled.  I chose adventure.  I chose to live.  I chose to make my own decisions.  I chose to go against the grain and march to my own beat.  I chose to be a free thinker.  I chose to say what was on my mind without thinking.  I chose to live “out there” so that my life was so out of control, I had no choice but to become centered again to find my true master.  I chose to be misunderstood.

There’s a lot of lessons to learn in taking the road less traveled. Through empathy  comes understanding.  Through heartbreak do you only learn to love.  Only through loss do you learn to appreciate.  Through the pains of greed you learn the desire to give.  Through loneliness comes self discovery.  Through addiction you learn control.  Through vanity, you learn to be humble.  Through failure do you learn to become more disciplined.  Death gives you the gift of life.  Through pain comes transformation.

I never had a lot of friends growing up.  I never was popular.  I learned to be mean to keep people away in a subliminal way at a very young age.  It’s easier to keep people away than face rejection.  I don’t know if it’s my strong personality, my strong opinions.  Beauty is it’s own glass ceiling.  It’s a gift and a curse.  Some women can be insecure and drag you down because they are jealous of your beauty.  At the same time, I have an uncanny ability to attract people from all spectrums of the rainbow, including the wrong kind of attention.  CREEPERS and STALKERS.  Lately,  I can be in over the top bitch mode to push people away and it doesn’t always work.

Something simple as smiling more can change peoples perspective of you.  I have horrible RBF (resting bitch face) and don’t smile a lot.  I’m horrible at taking compliments.  Acknowledging them in a positive way with grace is something I am challenged with.  I think people have pre-dispositioned ideas about who they think they are.  What we put out to the world, and who we really are can often conflict and be different things.  I’m a Gemini.  And my rising sign is Scorpio.  Your rising sign is exemplary of how the world perceives you and the image you project.  The Gemini and Scorpio are two COMPLETELY OPPOSITE signs in the Zodiac.  Where Gemini is highly communicative, confident, a social butterfly, very forgiving, fun and a fiery lover and highly intellectual and super indecisive; the Scorpio is mysterious, highly sexual and passionate, jealous,  unforgiving, however highly decisive and assertive.  See the oppositional traits?  Who I project to the world can often be the complete opposite of who I really am.  I had an ex once tell me, the person I am when we are home together alone is different from what others see.  It’s beautiful when you allow someone to see you as you truly are.  Maybe he’s one of the few people I actually allowed to see.  It’s not that I’m a fake person by any means.  I think I’m a pretty awesome person, but I don’t feel like everyone is deserving of my awesomeness.  What I’ve learned in this world is it is pretty fucked up, and people generally suck.  You have to filter through the bad and be selective about finding the good energy.  Once you find that energy you will notice that you will continue to attract good energy.

I’ve taken some hard roads.  But I don’t regret any of it.  It’s our pains and strife that mold us into the person we are today. Without a piece of shit baby daddy, I wouldn’t know how to appreciate something good.  He made my life so miserable, that I’m appreciative of anything that falls short of “piece of shit baby daddy ” level.  I looked at my situation a month ago.  I was 5 months pregnant in the hospital with zero support from the asshole who abandoned me, failing to make an income, begging for money on a go fund me, and barely making acceptable care for my 11 year old daughter.  Yeah, things were pretty hard, but it doesn’t compare to that time when my ex was strung out living in the “crack head motel” with $20 in my pocket, eating corned beef hash and ramen noodles.  I’ve seen darker days.  So even if I want to cry and feel sorry for myself, I know that I have seen worse.  Sometimes life is just like FUCKED, but you pick yourself back up.  Everyday is a winding road.  And every day you have different roads to take.  What road will you take today?  The road that is easy?  Or the road less traveled?

xoxo

One Week FREE Group Fitness in Waipio and Alamoana


One week FREE group fitness 45 minute classes Mon-Fri. Invite your friends for more free training and nutrition plans. And tag us on IG @iHeartFitnessIntl

Schedules will vary according to participation and suggestions of participants.
AM class Waipio
PM class Alamoana

Stay connected for fitness related special events, activities and charity fundraiser fitness competition events.

xoxo

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Haunt Me


Haunt Me
Haunt me
In my dreams
If you please
Your breath is with me now and always
It’s like a breeze
So should you ever doubt me
If it’s help that you need
Never dare to doubt me
And if you want to sleep
I’ll be quiet
Like an angel
As quiet as your soul could be
If you only knew
You had a friend like me
So should you ever doubt me
If it’s help that you need
Never dare to doubt me

xoxo

Single Parenting through Difficult Times


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This whole postpartum experience has been immobilizing and has given me an opportunity to spend more time talking to Kai.  We use to be closer.  She is 11 and I’m trying to salvage our relationship before she becomes a teenager I don’t know. We are very close.

People asked me why I didn’t reach out to family.  Well, we’re very different people and their idea of support is imposing their mormon beliefs on me that this was for the best because I’m not married and whatever else they’re thinking.  Although I know their intentions are well, those are not the right words for me right now.

I noticed Kai’s math grades slipping and I had to believe it has to do with all the stress happening at home.  She has been skimming her reading instead of slowing down and internalizing.  It must be really an unhappy place for her to come home to right now.  I feel like I haven’t been doing enough for her.  And I want to take the opportunity to do focus my energies on her.  The last few months have been all about me and I feel I’ve been neglecting her needs emotionally.

Kai is a smart cookie and she has so much potential and talent.  She should be in sports, learning a foreign language, learning an instrument and art and digital media.  She said she wants to play chess.  I think that is a good idea for her cerebral side.  And chess is good to keep the brain sharp and for logic development.  We cleaned out the bookshelf yesterday and are going to get some new books for her to read.  It’s really simple how a little bit of attention and encouragement can positively effect a child’s development.

I read the power of a name report… Kai is an Aries, a leader natural and her name Carolanne implies great power.  My parent technique of being stern is negative for her growth and may hinder her natural leader tendencies.  I have to learn how to be encouraging instead of downing her talents.  As parents we have to learn what is the most conducive technique to hone their best potential.  Kai generally is a good kid, but when I caught her lying about wearing my $180 fly knits which were now stained in red dirt, she was grounded immediately.  She didn’t even fight me when I gave her “how could you do this to mommy when she’s going through a hard time” look.  She knew what she had done.  So I will keep her on grounding until the cleans them.

The most difficult thing I’ve been trying to figure out is how to get her to communicate.  When discussing hard subjects she changes the subjects and avoids it.  I have to drag out the hard emotions which usually end up in tears.  But it’s usually through impatient force I get her to tell me what’s really going on.  I’ve gotten her to open up on some subjects related to her father not being around, and her anger towards me for being a busy single mom, and now how she didn’t feel happy about her baby sister dying and how it was hard for her to help hold mommy down while I was sick and she was really unhappy.  It was a hard time for everyone.  I held her in my arms and hugged her and we hung out and played video games and did Nu Skin mud masks. (:

I’m still clueless what’s the positive way to get her to communicate with me.  She is so guarded..  very secretive.  I notice her friends talking about boys because she borrows my cell phone to text them or sometimes her conversations from my ipad connect to my iPhone.  I don’t even see anything she says about boys.  If she has an interest in boys, she is very guarded about them, unlike her gossipy friends.  It’s so cute how she is at that age now. (: I’m glad she is making more friends at school now.  I guess it’s time for that phone.

I’m going to put Kai in some kind of physical activities.  Either she can continue boxing and Muay Thai at UFC gym or swimming or sport of choice.  Have her learn a foreign language, possibly Japanese or Chinese.  She wants to play chess.  She doesn’t want to learn piano like her mom, but I’ll let her decide what kind of instrument she wants to play. And I will continue to help her hone her artistic skills.  I’m very proud she won an art contest and her art was displayed at the Academy Art Museum.  A little bit of attention can go a long way in giving a child what she needs.  And I feel so horrible I have neglected some of her needs these last few months while I had a complicated pregnancy.

This experience has waken me up to not take time for granted.  Time is precious.  I felt like I had screwed up with Kai.  I had her at a young age and didn’t share the enthusiasm I do now at turning her into a mini me.  I had wanted a baby so I could have a second chance to do it right and create something amazing, but I forgot that I already have a mini piccasso who still needs me. ❤

I do want to try have a baby again some time in the next 4 years before I turn 35.  It’ll be with complications but I know now what those issues are and how to face them.  I want another little girl. (: But for now I’ll work on my first masterpiece a little bit longer.

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xoxo

A Piece of Me


I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.

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I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise.  A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point.  I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time.  The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion.  He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex.  Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father.  I felt womanized into something that was completely fake.  Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie.  That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me.  Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be.  He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother  call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby.  He couldn’t help me to doctors visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up.  I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish.  I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings.  I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable.  People take advantage of weakness.  There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle.  I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with.  At the end of the day it was simple.  He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.

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I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job.  It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period.  I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time.  Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done.  Everything looked fine to my surprise!  I grew attached and excited for baby to come.  Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister.  At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test.  They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night.  They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes.  The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking.  Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried.  I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said.  They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god.  I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything.  I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks.  My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested.  This kept baby in.  During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills.   I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received.  It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.  It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments.  I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen.  Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated.  Sips of wine would help stop contractions.  2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions.  At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.

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Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication  which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep.  I lied in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself.  I didn’t want her to go yet.  I had fought this hard to make it two weeks.  12 more days and she could make it.  I was determined to hold on.  At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing.  Chorioamnionitis is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me?  I suddenly decided I have to stop.  I stopped fighting.  Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I was already 7 cm dilated  and her head was already very low in delivery position.  Contractions weren’t coming.  Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push.  So I decide to help her end her suffering.  The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions.  She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb.  I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will.  I was too stubborn holding on.  I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way.  Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms.  She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her.  She did not appear to have down syndrome.  Her development was healthy.  My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.

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Don’t give up hope.  Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion.  Get a second.  My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital.  The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up.  The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on.  I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on.  The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow.  I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit.  I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best.  My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah.  And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.

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I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

 Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions.  I do not know which is more disturbing to me.   That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself.  There are options.  Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision.  Do the right thing.

WORLDWIDE

Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (http://www.agi-usa.org)

UNITED STATES

Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

MORE FACTS http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.


Please pray for Serah

You can follow the story and updates at
https://www.gofundme.com/prochoiceconflict

xoxo

Help Me Get to North Americans 2016


UPDATE 10.26.16 

I am pregnant and am currently not attending nationals this year.  But I still have lots of brownie ingredients made fresh to order.

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Thank you for supporting me on my journey to the IFBB Pro.  August 31st is the North American’s NPC National competition.  I am currently selling black bean, sugar free (sweetened with stevia), flour free, low carb, high protein, enhanced with whey isolate brownies to raise funds for nationals. #420 #madewithaloha #madewithlove.  Friends and family only. 808-377-0002 to support with an order. $10 each or $80 a pan (18 in a pan).

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xoxo

Ten Birthday Presents for a Fit Girl


1. The FIT BIT Surge
$218

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2. WIRELESS Beats
$280
(in silver, gold or rose gold)

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3. ANYTHING Asic

Onitsuka Tiger Mexico 66 $79

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Ronnie Fieg Asics Gel Lyte V Rose Gold $320

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Gel Lyte III Gold $165

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4. Vitamix $449

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5. Brazilian LEGGINGS!
La Bella Mafia $69

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Zahler Black Butterfly $79

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Lululemons

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6. Who say’s you can’t have a fancy GUCCI gym bag?  $1,890

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7. Karl Lagerfelds Boxing Collection by Louis Vuitton

Ok I’m dreaming.

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8. a Spa Package at her Favorite Spa

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9. Go Pro $399

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10.  Hathaway Portable Volleyball Set  $70

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xoxo