Toast to Newlywed Nikki and Johnny White


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Apr. 15, 2017

I didn’t expect them to cut off the toasts so suddenly, so I want to express my love and support of this newly wed couple.  Maybe it’s better perhaps for me to put it into writing than to give a long drunken speech jumping back and forth with my ADD , [ LOL :)~ ]
I have so much to express about my best friend Nikki and this beautiful couple. And even though I didn’t get to toast: I get photos when I write!  I first met Nikki from a mutual friend at the Love Fest.  She looked so adorable. Nikki was wearing a fuzzy fur hat with a fur vest and a cut off denim skirt with a cute crop top that showed off her (still) perfect abs.  #cutsomewatercutsomecarbs (by the way I AM going to get Nikki to compete one day.)  Little did I know that I would come to learn that Nikki was even more beautiful on the inside than she was on the outside, if that is even possible. (;

I first came to Nikki to help me sponsor a beauty event that was raising funds for starving children in Malawi.  She didn’t only hesitate to help, she also sent me in the direction of other sponsors and invited some great people who have all come to be great friends still.  Shortly after this, Nikki called me to come work for her at a tattoo expo as a promo girl.  I told her I would love to and I even rocked the bikini contest wearing her “Way Gone” hat. LOL *she threw me under the bus on that circus… but I’m down for her. I’d jump in front of a bus for her. ❤  At this time I started to be introduced to more of her circle.  I met Pua and I was so happy that Caleb was joining her team at Way Gone.  Also another beautiful spirit.  Nikki is surrounded by an eclectic mix of  fun and beautiful people.  And I love the positivity that she radiates.

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(don’t mind the silly hair, there was suppose to be a pin up contest lol)

It just so happened that at this time, I was going through a horrible break up, and Nikki was having some similar issues as well.  WING GIRL!  We are both Gemini’s so the two of us together are ADD overload and we know how to have fun till the sun comes up!  Friday nights turns into “try this on” and she finds the sluttiest dress she can in her closet, which turn into Saturday nights and Sundays turn into Nikki making my daughter Kai and I breakfast and brunches at Bogarts (our fav hang over spot) after sleeping on the day bed all weekend and getting to wake up to the ocean front breeze at her old condo at the Diamond Head Ambassador.  My daughter was always excited to come over to Auntie Nikki’s house so that she could hang out and play video games with Destin who was always patient and kind to her, [ because we all know what a butt head Kai can be sometimes (; ]  I remember one time we were at Safeway picking up pizza and ice cream for the kids, and Destin wanted to pay for it.  I think this was the first time he played “man of the house” and we thought the gesture was so sweet that he wanted to take care of his mommy.  He must have been about 13 at the time.  I think Nikki showed me what it meant to be a better mom.  I don’t think it was easy for me to balance a social life, making time for Kai and work.  And I thank her for not only being a positive person in my life, but also one of Kai’s favorite aunties.   Kai is loved by so many people although her father is in jail and unable to show her.  She is lucky to have people like Nikki who welcome her with open arms. Nikki too understands the struggle of raising a child single and understands the strength it requires to balance our lives.

Nikki always had a way of knowing when I needed a friend.  If I had a fight with a boyfriend, she’d always find something to do.  Like that one time we went sailing.  Being around her was always fun, we always were surrounded by great people, and you always seemed to forget all your problems.  But Nikki is also a great listener and always wants to help.  She always has great perspective to offer and although for the Gemini this ALWAYS backfires… believe me… I know… her heart is always in the right place! We’v only fought ONCE… I almost walked out while she was in the shower and she asked me to stay.  I was impressed by her humble ingenuity and ability to admit she was wrong.  I couldn’t stay mad at Nikki for longer than ten minutes.  We Gemini’s are ultra forgiving. (;

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Nikki came and supported me when I won my division in bodybuilding at the Sting Rey Classic in 2014.  Two weeks later my boyfriend and I got in a fight and I was unable to attend a big show in Pittsburgh I had trained extremely hard for.  She didn’t hesitate to loan me $2000 that month so that I can go to the event I had worked hard for, for months.  It was hard for me to accept but I knew that she wanted me to have it.  This kind gesture meant so much to me from someone I have only known for a short time.

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You can’t go to a good party without running into Nikki.  I broke up with my boyfriend AT this party because he told me he wasn’t feeling good and had to go to the office.  SO I decided to go to a pool party w Nikki and there he was drinking a cup of Patron.  So I went on with the party while Nikki kept me in a good mood.  She later convinced my boyfriend to come say hi to me.  But although her intentions were good: she couldn’t fix his tendency to fail at being smooth with his words lol.  Nikki is like a mom to me, a sister and a friend.  I first seek her approval of all the men I date before ever introducing them to my family lol.  I care for her opinion more than my own family.

The first time I met Johnny, Nikki and I were eating sushi at Doraku.  He joined us shortly after and we went to sing Karaoke at G’s Studio down the road.  I have some videos laying around in my icloud somewhere of that night (: and Johnny sang a wonderful old school Fitzgerald type song.  Totally impressed!  But Johnny’s shy, quiet swagger had me believing he wouldn’t last a month. (sorry JW)  Before I left to Vegas we hung out one more time with a friend of mine.  We met up at Lobby bar and went to Modern and ended up at the M.  Johnny had great manners and although we had our own bottles of champagne, he got a bottle of Goose as to not intrude.  Although we ended up giving it away, I liked the gesture of him buying his own bottle. (;

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Johnny didn’t mind that I came over to watch the super bowl with them and ruined his game by arguing politics with him the entire game. LOL even though me and Nikki were ganging up on him.  (We always do lol). Even when I jokingly suggested Nikki and I put on our bikinis and hold Trump signs on the corner of Hawaii Kai Dr… Johnny always laughed at my twisted humor.  When I came back from Vegas, they are now living together and an official couple.  It’s New Years and I just had returned from a year of traveling.  Johnny wants to go home at 1 am.  Why you gotta be so boring grandpa?

I called Nikki one evening and Caleb answered the phone.  A group of them all went  to Maui and apparently Johnny had proposed. The social butterfly that can’t be caught?  NO WAY!  I think others felt the same way, but I was the most vocal about it.  In a joking way I always said Johnny stole my wing girl. 😦  But I sincerely could not find one reason why he wasn’t the one.  I had seen the kindness he has shown her, and the growth since they have been together.  I see the balance Libra creates in Gemini’s free spirit.  And their dynamics shows me that you can have balance and freedom and still be close at the same time.  I only hope to find the same happiness one day as these two love birds.

“You hold me without touch.  You keep me without chains.”  

There was a time I was in the hospital with a complicated pregnancy and my family wasn’t really there for me.  Nikki’s friends all reached out to me.  People whom I barely knew, who I have all come to be really great people.  Her and Johnny brought me (my favorite) buffalo wild wings.  One thing is BWW is my ISH!  And Johnny has great taste when it comes to food!  On the day I lost my baby, (election day) Nikki brought me some food and Johnny brought me some flowers.  We watched the election as Trump crushed it.. and Johnny still wasn’t convinced… he was commentating like it was a basketball game like… “naw… Hillary’s gonna come back in the fourth quarter.”  I still wasn’t convinced that Johnny was the one.  Besides… he stole my wing girl and moved her out to Hawaii Kai.  Do you know how much further that is from my freaking house?

Holiday after holiday, Nikki and Johnny gathers groups for Thanksgiving potluck dinners, Christmas, and New Years eve (and red wine and bub of course).  Don’t get me started on Johnny’s massive mac and cheese!  I can only have a bite but believe me…. I would eat that for days!  The lobster dinner he shared with Charmaine and I on New Years day was also wonderful.  (; I had no idea he could cook!  “No wonder you’re keeping this one” I joked to Nikki.  There is something to say about a man that cooks.  Johnny kept impressing me with these small things and gestures.  I slowly began to see the kindness he showed Nikki and the little things that made her a better person.

I am also thankful for the blessed friends that have come into my life because of this beautiful soul and lessons she has also taught me about protecting your space and energy and most of all letting go of negativity and forgiveness. But also for her having an open heart and allowing me to inspire her in the tiniest ways in the same way she has done for me.

Johnny just flew in from Florida on NYE and was sleeping because of jet lag… And I was like “shhhhhh… don’t wake up grandpa… we want to go party!”  Lol!  JK… I’m sure Johnny doesn’t always mind being around all the beautiful ladies.  And this night was great even tho we got separated from the rest of the group, Johnny ended up designated driving us to Kaiser Bowls to watch a great view of the entire island even though he was super tired, he just wanted to spend new years with Nikki even if that meant dragging him out around town to dead spots to meet friends that mattered.  #designateddrivergrandpa That morning (I won’t go into details) but a situation arose and I was like oh s*** that is fighting material.  And the way he calmly handled it impressed me.  Johnny carries himself with dignity, class and has strong morals.  And though he may not always agree with everyone, he respects people for their differences in opinions and their imperfections and doesn’t judge Nikki’s “eclectic” group of friends.  This truly impressed me. Johnny is always up in his head tho so who knows what funny stuff is going on in there, because he likes to laugh at my craziness often with a funny “I’m just gonna sip on this beer…” dismissive look on his face. (; Even when I’m busy being a s*** head taking Nikki’s back in a debate, he is always calm and never angry.

So as it got closer to the wedding and we started doing preparations THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.  I’ll admit it!  I was the last person to really believe she wasn’t going to “run-away-bride” on Johnny.  I met someone (also a Libra) recently who reminds me immensely of Johnny.  He is kind and well mannered and is showing me all the things in a man I cynically didn’t believe existed anymore in this world of social media and surface level relationships.   Yet we all know this: Libra’s know how to let their freak flags fly, but still have the swag to put on the little romantic touch here and there that makes us want to vomit in our mouths a little bit (but we secretly love it… so don’t stop it coming).  (By the way… we all know Johnny’s a closet freak even though he didn’t like my Suzie’s bachelorette party gift… he’s with you Nikki… he has to be lol.)  A couple days before their wedding, I sent Nikki a text message…

“for the first time, I fully understand why you are marrying Johnny.”

It gives me hope… I feel sorry for the poor bastard who ends up with me. ❤

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A toast to the Bride and Groom: to the lucky devil who caught the uncatchable unicorn.  Mr and Mrs Johnny White.

xoxo

 

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My Christmas List: Presents Under $100 For the Connoisseur


Every year I share my wish list with you.  Here it is… Everything available at Amazon.com

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Dean and Tyler Leash and Collar $19.76

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Coldbroo Coffee Maker (my roommate exploded mine when he turned the temperature down and everything froze over) 😦  My favorite! ❤ $40

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Water Lilies by Monet $69

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Simple to Spectacular: How to Take One Basic Recipe to Four Levels of Sophistication by Jean Georges $30

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Asian Flavors of Jean Georges $28

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Ball Mugs $10

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Alo Womens Luna Sweat Pants $78

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Alo Yoga Mesh Goddess Ribbed Leggings $79

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High Frequency Skin Care Machine $40

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Ultrasonic Skin Care Machine $55

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PS4 Charging Station $16

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Riedel Stemless Cabernet Glasses Set of 8 $56

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World Atlas of Wine $3

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White Nike Free RN Fly Knits $88

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Teal Cotton Oversized Knit Throw $45

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Neocutis Bio Gel Hyrdrogel $73

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Gift Cards FROM

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Lululemon
Zara
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Target

Slip by Elliot Moss


Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa

I won’t keep watching you
Dance around in your smoke
And flicker out
You’re not the light I used to know
I don’t believe in safety nets
Strung below that make it alright
To let go
You gotta hold on

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Or it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

What’s the matter?
You don’t have enough rain
To make up your storm?
Oooh whatcha look so sad for?
Where’s the light I used to know?

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s that light I used to know?
Where’s the light I used to know?
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Oh it’s gonna
Slip, slip, slip through your
Slip, slip, slip through your hands
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Above and Beyond pres. Ocean Lab – Lonely Girl


Staring at the top sheet
Listening to my heart beat
Wondering how to say it
Playing over one track
Wanting you to come back
Want to have you here
Lying on a cold sheet
Jump into my car seat
Drive down to the river
Nightlight is reflecting
Somehow I’m expecting
Your voice in my ear
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Lying in the long grass
Watching as the clouds pass
Hands held in silence
Your arms right around me
Feeling glad you found me
Feeling like I’m home
Wish you would remember
April to September
Wanting to be near me
Waiting for the sunrise
Staring into my eyes
You and I alone
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Lie back in my own dream
Playback on a big screen
You and me together
Why give up a love found
Wish that I could write down
What you mean to me
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back ’cause I’m gonna be a lonely girl
Was it so wrong
You know you said you loved me
Could it be so easy
Just to walk away
Was it so wrong
You know you said you loved me
Could it be so easy
Just to walk away

Faded by Alan Walker


You were the shadow to my light
Did you feel us
Another start
You fade away
Afraid our aim is out of sight
Wanna see us
Alive
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Was it all in my fantasy
Where are you now
Were you only imaginary
Where are you now
Atlantis
Under the sea
Under the sea
Where are you now
Another dream
The monsters running wild inside of me
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
These shallow waters, never met
What I needed
I’m letting go
A deeper dive
Eternal silence of the sea
I’m breathing
Alive
Where are you now
Where are you now
Under the bright
But faded lights
You set my heart on fire
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Atlantis
Under the sea
Under the sea
Where are you now
Another dream
The monsters running wild inside of me
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded
I’m faded
So lost
I’m faded

the Road Less Traveled


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I’ve traveled paths many would never dare.  Path’s that people judge with dismay and fear. I chose the path less traveled.  I chose adventure.  I chose to live.  I chose to make my own decisions.  I chose to go against the grain and march to my own beat.  I chose to be a free thinker.  I chose to say what was on my mind without thinking.  I chose to live “out there” so that my life was so out of control, I had no choice but to become centered again to find my true master.  I chose to be misunderstood.

There’s a lot of lessons to learn in taking the road less traveled. Through empathy  comes understanding.  Through heartbreak do you only learn to love.  Only through loss do you learn to appreciate.  Through the pains of greed you learn the desire to give.  Through loneliness comes self discovery.  Through addiction you learn control.  Through vanity, you learn to be humble.  Through failure do you learn to become more disciplined.  Death gives you the gift of life.  Through pain comes transformation.

I never had a lot of friends growing up.  I never was popular.  I learned to be mean to keep people away in a subliminal way at a very young age.  It’s easier to keep people away than face rejection.  I don’t know if it’s my strong personality, my strong opinions.  Beauty is it’s own glass ceiling.  It’s a gift and a curse.  Some women can be insecure and drag you down because they are jealous of your beauty.  At the same time, I have an uncanny ability to attract people from all spectrums of the rainbow, including the wrong kind of attention.  CREEPERS and STALKERS.  Lately,  I can be in over the top bitch mode to push people away and it doesn’t always work.

Something simple as smiling more can change peoples perspective of you.  I have horrible RBF (resting bitch face) and don’t smile a lot.  I’m horrible at taking compliments.  Acknowledging them in a positive way with grace is something I am challenged with.  I think people have pre-dispositioned ideas about who they think they are.  What we put out to the world, and who we really are can often conflict and be different things.  I’m a Gemini.  And my rising sign is Scorpio.  Your rising sign is exemplary of how the world perceives you and the image you project.  The Gemini and Scorpio are two COMPLETELY OPPOSITE signs in the Zodiac.  Where Gemini is highly communicative, confident, a social butterfly, very forgiving, fun and a fiery lover and highly intellectual and super indecisive; the Scorpio is mysterious, highly sexual and passionate, jealous,  unforgiving, however highly decisive and assertive.  See the oppositional traits?  Who I project to the world can often be the complete opposite of who I really am.  I had an ex once tell me, the person I am when we are home together alone is different from what others see.  It’s beautiful when you allow someone to see you as you truly are.  Maybe he’s one of the few people I actually allowed to see.  It’s not that I’m a fake person by any means.  I think I’m a pretty awesome person, but I don’t feel like everyone is deserving of my awesomeness.  What I’ve learned in this world is it is pretty fucked up, and people generally suck.  You have to filter through the bad and be selective about finding the good energy.  Once you find that energy you will notice that you will continue to attract good energy.

I’ve taken some hard roads.  But I don’t regret any of it.  It’s our pains and strife that mold us into the person we are today. Without a piece of shit baby daddy, I wouldn’t know how to appreciate something good.  He made my life so miserable, that I’m appreciative of anything that falls short of “piece of shit baby daddy ” level.  I looked at my situation a month ago.  I was 5 months pregnant in the hospital with zero support from the asshole who abandoned me, failing to make an income, begging for money on a go fund me, and barely making acceptable care for my 11 year old daughter.  Yeah, things were pretty hard, but it doesn’t compare to that time when my ex was strung out living in the “crack head motel” with $20 in my pocket, eating corned beef hash and ramen noodles.  I’ve seen darker days.  So even if I want to cry and feel sorry for myself, I know that I have seen worse.  Sometimes life is just like FUCKED, but you pick yourself back up.  Everyday is a winding road.  And every day you have different roads to take.  What road will you take today?  The road that is easy?  Or the road less traveled?

xoxo

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Forgiveness


To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.

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I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old.  I found this little bracelet my ex gave me.  The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work.  It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.

The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me.  He has done things to me that are unforgivable.  He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive.  He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.

Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina.   I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger.  It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite.  I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid.  I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol.  My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend.  We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend.   I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone.  Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦  What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well.  They too had to forgive each other.

As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship.  He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way.  Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him.  He never asked for forgiveness.  I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me.  It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved.  To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond.  That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.

As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing.  They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight.  She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond.  I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be.  It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology.  Or they have the “one-up.”  An apology is a hard thing to conjur up.  Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness.  Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama.  That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.

I wore that bracelet last night after I found it.  I wanted to throw it away at first.  But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet.  He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore.  I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past.  I wore it because I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Choices and Lifestyles


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Where do I begin? At 4 am at Kelly Oneils at the bottom of my 5th Johnny Black double? At the end of the worst relationship of my life? Leaving Vegas penniless 140 lbs and overweight? When is enough, enough? When did I decide to take my life into my own hands, charge forward and do the things I always talked about but managed to put on the back burner?

My life is a book, a movie Hollywood hit played by the deranged Angelina Jolie (the girl interrupted.) ok maybe not that dramatic… Because I found my way up.

If you must know a little bit about me. I ran away from home and spent most of my upbringing in juvenile detention where most of my misguided anger was directed at my parents. I had a child at the young age of 19, and have raised her alone, without a penny of child support for 12 years. After she was born, I got into the stripping industry. I don’t hide it, although most boyfriends would prefer I do, because you can learn great things from where I have been. Lesson one, you make the money, you don’t let the money make you. The majority of strippers have drug problems, daddy issues, or are single parents. Can you tell which category I fall into? I am the single parent going through school.

Although I do have a few stripper friends, I keep them to the minimal. Usually they are single parents, and we at least have that in common. I don’t judge if we go out and they decide to go to the bathroom to “powder their nose” they just know that I won’t be joining them. The same goes for me. While I’m prepping $1000 worth of clean food and they’re downing wine with their Bucca De Beppos, I made a choice, a lifestyle choice, that I want to be healthier. (;

Not only has training taught me discipline. I’ve learned to apply the concepts of success to all areas of my life. Create a goal, and charge forward, whether it be with school, a business plan or a weight loss goal. Last fall I found myself exhausted with 8 years in the night scene. In only 30 days I built a full time clientele personal training with my iHeart Fitness HI business. I charged forward without looking back and saw when I put my mind to it anything is possible.

2013 year was my first competition

at the Sting Rey classic 2013, I placed second place in tall bikini division.  I took 1st the following year.  I look forward to competing in 2017 and finally hitting the National circuit. Competing has kept me motivated. It gives me a reason to push beyond my limits. Find your why and stick to it. This isn’t a season. It’s a lifestyle change. After 3 years of living like this, I don’t see myself living any other way.

#fitlife

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Xoxo