Choices and Lifestyles


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Where do I begin? At 4 am at Kelly Oneils at the bottom of my 5th Johnny Black double? At the end of the worst relationship of my life? Leaving Vegas penniless 140 lbs and overweight? When is enough, enough? When did I decide to take my life into my own hands, charge forward and do the things I always talked about but managed to put on the back burner?

My life is a book, a movie Hollywood hit played by the deranged Angelina Jolie (the girl interrupted.) ok maybe not that dramatic… Because I found my way up.

If you must know a little bit about me. I ran away from home and spent most of my upbringing in juvenile detention where most of my misguided anger was directed at my parents. I had a child at the young age of 19, and have raised her alone, without a penny of child support for 12 years. After she was born, I got into the stripping industry. I don’t hide it, although most boyfriends would prefer I do, because you can learn great things from where I have been. Lesson one, you make the money, you don’t let the money make you. The majority of strippers have drug problems, daddy issues, or are single parents. Can you tell which category I fall into? I am the single parent going through school.

Although I do have a few stripper friends, I keep them to the minimal. Usually they are single parents, and we at least have that in common. I don’t judge if we go out and they decide to go to the bathroom to “powder their nose” they just know that I won’t be joining them. The same goes for me. While I’m prepping $1000 worth of clean food and they’re downing wine with their Bucca De Beppos, I made a choice, a lifestyle choice, that I want to be healthier. (;

Not only has training taught me discipline. I’ve learned to apply the concepts of success to all areas of my life. Create a goal, and charge forward, whether it be with school, a business plan or a weight loss goal. Last fall I found myself exhausted with 8 years in the night scene. In only 30 days I built a full time clientele personal training with my iHeart Fitness HI business. I charged forward without looking back and saw when I put my mind to it anything is possible.

2013 year was my first competition

at the Sting Rey classic 2013, I placed second place in tall bikini division.  I took 1st the following year.  I look forward to competing in 2017 and finally hitting the National circuit. Competing has kept me motivated. It gives me a reason to push beyond my limits. Find your why and stick to it. This isn’t a season. It’s a lifestyle change. After 3 years of living like this, I don’t see myself living any other way.

#fitlife

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Xoxo

Grief


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I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo

Where Do I Begin . . .


. . . to meditate?

This blog is taking me a little bit longer to research (days).  I do not know anything about meditation.  I watched “Eat Pray Love” with Julia Roberts.  I know that she had a life changing transformation and seeked peace.  Is that all we  need to be pushed in the direction of seeking peace?  Do I need to go somewhere extreme like a silent Buddhist monk temple in India?  Or see a Guru in Bali?  I thought about dropping everything and running away to Bali.  I’ve been kinda in a twist lately.  I lit some candles, poured a glass of cabernet and took a bath in the dark.  Trying to meditate, and focus only on breathing, I could not go 3 seconds.  However… I am ADHD. I held my breath under the water and tried to visualize the noises in my head being muddled.  I failed miserably.  How do you meditate?

I will continue this blog… when I figure it out.|

This is what my friend Hector sent me.  Thanks, I will try it.

Hector Romero

It’s very simple actually! It’s normal for your mind to race @ first! If you want to open your third eye and balance your chakras. Go on youtube and listen to c tone music there are instructions on there as well. Concentrate on your third e…ye and imagine a silver beam of light commin’ out of your third eye and opening up. With ur eyes open look up to the center of ur eyebrows where ur third eye is(w/o straining your eyes) and then close ur eyes while still lookin’ up. By opening your third eye it will balance you a lot better!

It’s hard at first to start meditating but once you’ve got the hang of it you can clear your mind instantly. The key is to concentrate on your breathing, goin’ in through your nose and out through your mouth.

You can do it! 🙂 a lot of weight will be removed once you begin to meditate.