I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. ūüė¶


Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  


A Piece of Me

I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.


I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise. ¬†A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point. ¬†I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time. ¬†The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion. ¬†He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex. ¬†Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father. ¬†I felt womanized into something that was completely fake. ¬†Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie. ¬†That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me. ¬†Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be. ¬†He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother ¬†call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby. ¬†He couldn’t help me to doctors¬†visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up. ¬†I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish. ¬†I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings. ¬†I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable. ¬†People take advantage of weakness. ¬†There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle. ¬†I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with. ¬†At the end of the day it was simple. ¬†He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.


I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job. ¬†It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period. ¬†I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time. ¬†Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done. ¬†Everything looked fine to my surprise! ¬†I grew attached and excited for baby to come. ¬†Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister. ¬†At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test. ¬†They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night. ¬†They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes. ¬†The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking. ¬†Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried. ¬†I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said. ¬†They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god. ¬†I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything. ¬†I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks. ¬†My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested. ¬†This kept baby in. ¬†During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills. ¬† I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received. ¬†It was extremely hard for me to ask for help. ¬†It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments. ¬†I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen. ¬†Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated. ¬†Sips of wine would help stop contractions. ¬†2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions. ¬†At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.


Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication ¬†which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep. ¬†I lied¬†in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself. ¬†I didn’t want her to go yet. ¬†I had fought this hard to make it two weeks. ¬†12 more days and she could make it. ¬†I was determined to hold on. ¬†At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white¬†blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing. ¬†Chorioamnionitis¬†is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me? ¬†I suddenly decided I have to stop. ¬†I stopped fighting. ¬†Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I¬†was already 7 cm dilated ¬†and her head was already very low in delivery position. ¬†Contractions weren’t coming. ¬†Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push. ¬†So I decide to help her end her suffering. ¬†The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions. ¬†She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb. ¬†I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will. ¬†I was too stubborn holding on. ¬†I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way. ¬†Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms. ¬†She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her. ¬†She did not appear to have down syndrome. ¬†Her development was healthy. ¬†My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.


Don’t give up hope. ¬†Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion. ¬†Get a second. ¬†My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital. ¬†The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up. ¬†The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on. ¬†I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on. ¬†The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow. ¬†I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit. ¬†I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best. ¬†My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah. ¬†And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.


I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

¬†Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions. ¬†I do not know which is more disturbing to me. ¬† That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women¬†under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself. ¬†There are options. ¬†Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision. ¬†Do the right thing.


Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (


Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.


This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.

Please pray for Serah

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