Grief


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I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo

Ka’ale & the Truth w/ Ekona from Ai Pohaku & MIXJAH


Ka’ale & The Truth w/Ekona from Ai Pohaku & MIXJAH
plus special guests
@ Life’s A Beach in Kihei
Saturday July 30
21+ no cover
Reggae/Hip Hop mix
Ka’ale & the Truth
 Listen to Ka’ale @
SEE YOU THERE!
xoxo
Kristie

Taxing us to Live.


Although I think it’s a good idea to take care of the planet, could the extreme measures we have gone to save the planet a way to brainwash America into a political scheme, be an avenue to change laws, and manipulate the country?  Sounds skeptical to me.

Sure, we should use less gas.  It’s expensive.  Carpool to work.   Find alternative sources for automobiles, and to heat our homes.  Maybe use less aerosol hairspray and products.  But carbon taxing?  Taxing us on breathing?  Taxing us on having babies?   To a New World Bank?  Who do they think they are to tax us on what the government does not yield, control, create, nor what never belonged to them?   That is extreme, and our only humanly right is to breathe and live and create life.

Creating a New World Bank, and a New World Government, will lead to New World Order.  Although there are people who oppose it, and it may take a very long time to create, because the consitution protects us, there is always the threat that there are a group of wealthy people in the world, who control it all, looking for a way to make this idea become reality.  Save America, and save the consitution, because America has one of the greatest constitutions protecting us, if wielded correctly.  But that power has been abused, by the puppet masters, the banks, the Illuminati, the Bilderberg Group, whoever you wish to call it.  Greedy people who believe that they should rule over all of us.  Most people call it conspiracies.  I believe in it.   NWO believe in population control, and that is exactly what Carbon Taxing on babies wishes to accomplish.  Less population.  By brainwashing America into believing in Global Warming, they are slowly acclimating us into believe in their ideas.

[“If you allotted 1250 square feet to each person, all the people in the world would fit into the state of Texas…”In Ralph Epperson’s book, The Unseen Hand, he states that if you took the population of the world and split it up into families of four and gave them each a piece of land 50′ x 53′, the entire population of the planet would fit neatly into the state of Oregon.Worried about feeding everyone?Brian Carnell in How Much Food is Available Now? Says, “The world currently produces more than enough food to provide every single man, woman and child alive today with an adequate diet…”What About China?“China, everyone’s favorite supposed example, has fewer than 60 percent as many people per square mile as the United Kingdom (England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland). Obviously, then, China’s problem is not overpopulation, but underdevelopment. Many people think that population growth prevents the economic growth of poor nations, but a number of economists now suggest the opposite: every new person brings not only another mouth to feed, but two hands with which to work. Misguided efforts to help poor countries by suppressing their natural population growth may actually hurt them.”So, what if everyone DID have more children?Professor Budziszewski writes, “Fertility is already declining in every region of the world, and population growth has been slowing down since the late 1970s. In the developed countries, the net reproduction rate is 0.7 and dropping, which means that the next generation will be only 70 percent as large as this one. Nicholas Eberstadt of the American Enterprise Institute suggests that we may one day face not an explosion but an “implosion” of population.”]  I found this comment on a blog.

Ice this year is significantly greater than the last.  What happened to Global Warming and the icebergs melting? The main stream media concentrates on a couple of small areas of the Antarctic in order to scare you in to believing that Antarctica is melting, when in fact its gaining ice.

Those behind global warming are using it to control people’s lives and for financial gain.

Is Global Warming a hoax?  You decide.

check out http://www.Globalwarminghoax.com

and a huge list of links @ http://www.wnho.net/global_warming.htm

Check out Oprahs House…  She thinks it’s such an issue

and John Travolta’s home, with his private jet

and just ONE of Al Gore’s homes

Breathing isn’t a privilege you can control.  It is our humanly right to live.  I can see myself in prison next to some thuggish 7-11 liquor store robbers…

“What are you in for?”

“Breathing.”

xoxo

Kristie Manning

I want to move to Bali.


“You don’t need a man, you need a champion.”

OMG Truth can’t be so far from that!  I just saw Eat, Pray, Love, and I am so inpressionable, and suddenly inspired to go to Bali.  I can’t go all over the world, as I don’t have the means to, and it would be hard on the Kai bug, but living in my little villa in Bali, just writing my blogs from there, meditating in the morning, doing yoga in the afternoon, teachin Kai to surf in the afternoon, finishing my studies online, enjoying life in Bali, maybe get into some exporting, that sounds like a wonderful life I can’t wait to have.

If you lived in Hawaii, you know that there is no place in the world like Hawaii.  The “Aloha” is strong.  The people are beautiful.  I love Hawaii, but I think to live in Hawaii, and come back forever, we need to venture out and see life, and the world, and bring back with us culture and experience, to share with Hawaii and grow.   I hear that Bali is the same way, except in a totally different way.  They call Bali the “Island of the Gods,” and it pertains extreme positive spiritual energy.  It will conjur up the negative person you are, or bring out the positive person.  It has a mysterious way of bringing out who you truly are.  If you are a jaded lawyer who lives in New York, representing murderers, have no soul, slept with your girlfriends mother, and will step on anyone to get where you want to get, Bali is probably not for you.  It will probably bring out all those evil energies.  This is why some people go to Bali, and are smitten with the positive energy.  Some people go there on vacation, and never leave.

Why do I want to go to Bali?  Because that stupid movie made me realize that I know that I am unbalanced, but if I just stay here in Vegas, I am accepting it, and doing nothing.  I am “staying in the relationship” that I am miserable in, Las Vegas, the industry, being imbalanced.  I’m taking a 180 degree turn and diving in.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”

“One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else’s body is not a decision you can make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not. When it isn’t there (as I have learned in the past, with heartbreaking clarity) you can no more force it to exist than a surgeon can force a patient’s body to accept a kidney from the wrong donor. My friend Annie says it all comes down to one simple question: “Do you want your belly pressed against this person’s belly forever –or not?”

“A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.”

“Imagine that the universe is a great spinning engine. You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out at the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you can get frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you’ll always find peace.”

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

” In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices. We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy’s fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure–your perfection–is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.”

“Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”

” A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.”

” Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself. To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”

Look forward to blogging more about Bali.

xoxo

Kristie Manning