Election Day


It’s November 08, 2016; Election Day; Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 05:30 am just 21 weeks along, 12.2 ounces, after a long fight to make it to a safer time to be born.  Her heart beat for 3.5 hours before passing away.

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I spent election day grieving for my lost child.  A friend came by and kept me company in the afternoon while we watched elections on CBS, CNN, ABC and FOX.  CBS was releasing false statistics stating that Clinton was winning the election.  It wasn’t hard to  see this was false by flipping back and forth between other stations and my friend playing the election on their phone.  Even at 4 in the afternoon, they still believed Clinton would pull up in the 4th quarter, still making excuses for her.

After an entire night of not sleeping, labor, some morphine injections, and plunging into a deep depression of tears; I was exhausted.  I went to sleep.

This election has been quite the election.  One day my Facebook feed became nothing but politics.  It was impossible to avoid politics altogether.  I don’t recall seeing a lot of politics before that time.  I’m the type of person who likes to watch both liberal and conservative media, so I have a balanced idea on what is going on and can make a decision for myself, usually somewhere in the middle.  I can see how easily I can be turned off to watching extreme conservative media and how it propagates negativity, but I can say the same for liberal media as well.  While both sides are responsible for propagating hate, divide and anger, I think we need to take it in that it is not Hillary nor Trump propagating hate: It is the media that must take responsibility.

I woke up at midnight that night to see Donald Trump had won!  I didn’t think he had a chance because the media had convinced me that he didn’t.  Being in the hospital on election day made me sad that I was unable to vote.  However, according to the electorates, apparently Trump had been declared the winner before Hawaii, being 3 hours behind California even counted their votes.  Hawaii obviously being a democrat state had Clinton already pegged as the winner. Basically my vote wouldn’t have mattered in this specific case.

I’m severely perplexed at how much anger has come from this election.  How the people have not given Donald Trump a chance to do good.  How people are so swayed and convinced by media bias that he is going to turn America into 1950’s Nazi Germany and blow up the world based on character defamation by the media.  There’s a lot about Donald Trump the media doesn’t show, a good side we are all yet to see.  I knew his views on gay and lesbian rights was more liberal than his campaign opted for to win the conservative vote.  How building a wall was a huge priority, but I bet not so much anymore.  It’s the idea behind tightening our borders and negatively spending tax dollars on immigrants instead of taking care of own at home first.  I even read that he’s not interested in appealing Obama Care but improving on it.  I don’t like Obama Care, but I can see how throwing away billions of dollars of tax payers money can be negative, perhaps Trump will find a positive way to improve the program, also allowing open borders between states to drive  down the price of insurance.  Perhaps after speaking w Obama he explained the implications in losing progress and Trump saw logic in something that maybe he didn’t fully understand.  This is why we have cabinet members to consult us in areas we are unknowledgeable in. We have a good “hand of the king” and “Master of Coin” and “Master of War” consulting the “Iron Throne.”  LOL.  Sorry for my fanatic Game of Thrones analogy.  😀

What’s crazy is these riots.  I saw tons of videos of windows being broken, people being beat, flags being burned; I even saw a video of a woman shit on a sign  and smear it into a Trump sign with her hands.  WTF is wrong with people?  What upset me most was a post by Michelle Obama of a woman kicking her traumatized son out of the house with a ridiculous sign saying “My mom kicked me out for voting for Trump” at a mock election process at school.  His answer for voting for Trump was as simple and innocent as “because I see him on TV a lot.”

The problem isn’t Trump.  The problem is the people blaming the president for their problems?  The problem is unresolved issues.  I’m a big believer that many of these issues can tie back to foreign policy.  The gay muslim shootings in Miami was based out of frustration for what is happening in his home in the middle east.  The angry Black Lives Matters group for feeling generations of oppression has caused negative feelings amongst black communities but offering no real solution which stemmed from foreign policy and slavery in early American history.  Then we have more foreign policy issues with trade and military effecting our current economy.  Being blackmailed with China, our trade deficit, and the manipulation of our currency.  They own us.  What is Trump going to do for our foreign policy?

Donald Trump, as his first order as president, I would get control of the riots before civil rebellion gets out of control.  I would implement any crimes committed during riots or protests be punishable by prison sentencing.. and also I would rescind the rights of illegal immigrants.  Only American citizens have those rights, and granting them passage permits loopholes to be abused.  When an American Citizen travels to Amsterdam for example, if he/she smokes marijuana which is legal in this country and returns to the US, he/she can be liable for her illegal activities as a US citizen even if it is legal in Amsterdam.  But Amsterdam will allow them to conduct manner which is considered legal in their country.  We cannot stop violence and riots which are un-excusable, but we can enhance punishment and put rioters behind bars so the rest of society doesn’t have to deal with this inhumanity.

I’m saddened that there is so much hate for Trump.  That Michelle and Barrack Obama have put so much hatred into this man.  They, as leaders, have implemented hate in the people.  And Obama has created more divide in the last 8 years of presidency than I’ve seen in my 31 years alive.

Politics is an ugly place, and Donald Trump gave up his salary to charity and a billionaire lifestyle  to step up and save America in a time where no one wants to lead, where no one wants to take charge and take blame for the failure or achievements of the future of our country.  I hope that we do not see another JFK (another president who gave up his earnings) assassination or negative repercussions on his presidency.  I believe Trump has the power to do great things, and with great power, great evil can also endure.

I have faith that Trump is a nationalist who loves his country and wants to Make America Great Again.  And this is why the media painted this picture even the most loyal of Trump supporters believed, that he wouldn’t win.  At the end of the day, Trump won the hearts of the people by propagating a message, that we have to stop the corruption in politics, that we have to stop the establishment from funding wars for financial gain, that we must tighten our spending and stop abusing federal spending, stop the lobbyists from running our country, we have to put a stop to policing the world and being a charity to the world when we can’t even take care of our own first.  Countries like Canada and Sweden can afford free education and free health care because they aren’t paying the cost of policing Israel and Africa and annexing the middle east, they don’t pay high costs of wars and keeping peace and the costs of managing a great nation and it’s security and technology advancements.  Canada is our sister, and they are strong because we are strong.  And these nations together standing strong is what keeps us growing.  It’ll be interesting to see how Russia will align with our interest.  There’s a lot of cleaning house to do in America, and I think Donald Trump is the man to do it.  Let’s give a man a chance to do his job. Make America great again!

Donald Trump 2016!

xoxo

Single Parenting through Difficult Times


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This whole postpartum experience has been immobilizing and has given me an opportunity to spend more time talking to Kai.  We use to be closer.  She is 11 and I’m trying to salvage our relationship before she becomes a teenager I don’t know. We are very close.

People asked me why I didn’t reach out to family.  Well, we’re very different people and their idea of support is imposing their mormon beliefs on me that this was for the best because I’m not married and whatever else they’re thinking.  Although I know their intentions are well, those are not the right words for me right now.

I noticed Kai’s math grades slipping and I had to believe it has to do with all the stress happening at home.  She has been skimming her reading instead of slowing down and internalizing.  It must be really an unhappy place for her to come home to right now.  I feel like I haven’t been doing enough for her.  And I want to take the opportunity to do focus my energies on her.  The last few months have been all about me and I feel I’ve been neglecting her needs emotionally.

Kai is a smart cookie and she has so much potential and talent.  She should be in sports, learning a foreign language, learning an instrument and art and digital media.  She said she wants to play chess.  I think that is a good idea for her cerebral side.  And chess is good to keep the brain sharp and for logic development.  We cleaned out the bookshelf yesterday and are going to get some new books for her to read.  It’s really simple how a little bit of attention and encouragement can positively effect a child’s development.

I read the power of a name report… Kai is an Aries, a leader natural and her name Carolanne implies great power.  My parent technique of being stern is negative for her growth and may hinder her natural leader tendencies.  I have to learn how to be encouraging instead of downing her talents.  As parents we have to learn what is the most conducive technique to hone their best potential.  Kai generally is a good kid, but when I caught her lying about wearing my $180 fly knits which were now stained in red dirt, she was grounded immediately.  She didn’t even fight me when I gave her “how could you do this to mommy when she’s going through a hard time” look.  She knew what she had done.  So I will keep her on grounding until the cleans them.

The most difficult thing I’ve been trying to figure out is how to get her to communicate.  When discussing hard subjects she changes the subjects and avoids it.  I have to drag out the hard emotions which usually end up in tears.  But it’s usually through impatient force I get her to tell me what’s really going on.  I’ve gotten her to open up on some subjects related to her father not being around, and her anger towards me for being a busy single mom, and now how she didn’t feel happy about her baby sister dying and how it was hard for her to help hold mommy down while I was sick and she was really unhappy.  It was a hard time for everyone.  I held her in my arms and hugged her and we hung out and played video games and did Nu Skin mud masks. (:

I’m still clueless what’s the positive way to get her to communicate with me.  She is so guarded..  very secretive.  I notice her friends talking about boys because she borrows my cell phone to text them or sometimes her conversations from my ipad connect to my iPhone.  I don’t even see anything she says about boys.  If she has an interest in boys, she is very guarded about them, unlike her gossipy friends.  It’s so cute how she is at that age now. (: I’m glad she is making more friends at school now.  I guess it’s time for that phone.

I’m going to put Kai in some kind of physical activities.  Either she can continue boxing and Muay Thai at UFC gym or swimming or sport of choice.  Have her learn a foreign language, possibly Japanese or Chinese.  She wants to play chess.  She doesn’t want to learn piano like her mom, but I’ll let her decide what kind of instrument she wants to play. And I will continue to help her hone her artistic skills.  I’m very proud she won an art contest and her art was displayed at the Academy Art Museum.  A little bit of attention can go a long way in giving a child what she needs.  And I feel so horrible I have neglected some of her needs these last few months while I had a complicated pregnancy.

This experience has waken me up to not take time for granted.  Time is precious.  I felt like I had screwed up with Kai.  I had her at a young age and didn’t share the enthusiasm I do now at turning her into a mini me.  I had wanted a baby so I could have a second chance to do it right and create something amazing, but I forgot that I already have a mini piccasso who still needs me. ❤

I do want to try have a baby again some time in the next 4 years before I turn 35.  It’ll be with complications but I know now what those issues are and how to face them.  I want another little girl. (: But for now I’ll work on my first masterpiece a little bit longer.

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xoxo

Grief


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I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo