Forgiveness


To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.

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I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old.  I found this little bracelet my ex gave me.  The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work.  It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.

The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me.  He has done things to me that are unforgivable.  He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive.  He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.

Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina.   I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger.  It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite.  I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid.  I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol.  My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend.  We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend.   I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone.  Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦  What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well.  They too had to forgive each other.

As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship.  He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way.  Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him.  He never asked for forgiveness.  I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me.  It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved.  To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond.  That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.

As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing.  They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight.  She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond.  I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be.  It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology.  Or they have the “one-up.”  An apology is a hard thing to conjur up.  Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness.  Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama.  That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.

I wore that bracelet last night after I found it.  I wanted to throw it away at first.  But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet.  He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore.  I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past.  I wore it because I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

A Piece of Me


I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.

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I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise.  A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point.  I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time.  The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion.  He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex.  Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father.  I felt womanized into something that was completely fake.  Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie.  That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me.  Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be.  He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother  call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby.  He couldn’t help me to doctors visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up.  I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish.  I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings.  I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable.  People take advantage of weakness.  There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle.  I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with.  At the end of the day it was simple.  He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.

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I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job.  It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period.  I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time.  Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done.  Everything looked fine to my surprise!  I grew attached and excited for baby to come.  Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister.  At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test.  They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night.  They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes.  The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking.  Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried.  I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said.  They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god.  I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything.  I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks.  My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested.  This kept baby in.  During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills.   I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received.  It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.  It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments.  I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen.  Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated.  Sips of wine would help stop contractions.  2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions.  At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.

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Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication  which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep.  I lied in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself.  I didn’t want her to go yet.  I had fought this hard to make it two weeks.  12 more days and she could make it.  I was determined to hold on.  At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing.  Chorioamnionitis is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me?  I suddenly decided I have to stop.  I stopped fighting.  Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I was already 7 cm dilated  and her head was already very low in delivery position.  Contractions weren’t coming.  Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push.  So I decide to help her end her suffering.  The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions.  She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb.  I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will.  I was too stubborn holding on.  I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way.  Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms.  She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her.  She did not appear to have down syndrome.  Her development was healthy.  My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.

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Don’t give up hope.  Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion.  Get a second.  My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital.  The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up.  The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on.  I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on.  The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow.  I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit.  I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best.  My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah.  And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.

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I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

 Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions.  I do not know which is more disturbing to me.   That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself.  There are options.  Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision.  Do the right thing.

WORLDWIDE

Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (http://www.agi-usa.org)

UNITED STATES

Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

MORE FACTS http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.


Please pray for Serah

You can follow the story and updates at
https://www.gofundme.com/prochoiceconflict

xoxo

Return of Saturn


Recently, I’ve felt a disconnect with people. More than I ever have. I’ve always been very sociable and extrovert: Craving social interaction and having friends. As a child I didn’t have many friends. I’m different. That’s all I know. Children can be mean. They can scar you. They can tease you for not having boobs in the 7th grade. They can pick fights because they’re jealous that you are pretty. That first crush can laugh at you because you wore baggy jeans and hand me downs. I never conformed to the social crowd of one group. I never felt accepted fully, so I fleeted from group to group never fully making friends w anyone: Keeping it on the surface. Anytime I get too close to any group, that is when the trouble arises. Girls can be mean. 

I know that I may come off as rough, but my spirit is gentle and kind and giving. Too many years of being shoved around and taken advantage of can harden you. It makes you not believe in people anymore. As a child, I was forgiving and I craved to fit in and belong. As an adult, I’ve grown cynical and those negative patterns I’ve formed with friends have manifested into adulthood. Adults have their cliques too. The mean girls “you can’t sit with us” groups that make you feel like you don’t belong arep in adulthood too. As much as I feel like an outsider, I don’t want to be a part of that. Or that’s what I thought.

I know I’m different, and I feel as though I am always being judged. Maybe that’s where I fail. It’s rare that I fall into a social group that I get along with. I have very low tolerance for bullshit and when I see something I tend to just turn the other way. As of lately, I feel anti-sociable. People who I have known for years no longer look like friends to me. How have we become so different? Are they judging me? Or is it the other way around? I feel so much relationships are superficial. It’s about who you know, what business and networks can you bring, image, who can get in whose pants. Or the fake people who kiss your ass to your face and talk badly about you behind your back. We know who they are because they do it to our other friends as soon as their backs are turned.  None of it is genuine. 

It’s only until recently my heart has begun to heal. I’ve been highly selective about who I let in my circle. I would rather be alone than surrounded by fake, negative people. I purged my Facebook of my “biggest fans:” my haters. Why do we wake up everyday to open your feed and see someone’s name and think…. Ugh what is she posting again. I am responsible for allowing this to be close to me, because I am entertained from negativity. When my intentions came clearer that positivity is what I want in my life, I BEGAN TO ATTRACT IT. The POWER OF INTENTION and the POWER OF ATTRACTION is real. For the first time, I am attracting people into my life who I feel are kind, giving, positive, successful and non judge mental people. It’s a good feeling because they make you realize all the negative stuff you’ve been holding onto isn’t worth it. As hard as it is to swallow, maybe the source of your pain has been your own doing. 

I’m the type of girl who wants to do everything on my own. One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is to accept help. When I got pregnant and the father left me for another woman, he offered me no support. I can do this on my own, I told myself. I’ve seen darker days and deeper holes. 

Dustin (the father) and I had discussions about having children. I think pregnancy was so unenjoyable for me the first time around being alone and so young, I am scarred. I did not want children. Kai is 11 years old and I am almost free to have a life I was robbed of from a young age. Having been abandoned by his parents who were on drugs and in jail, being a father was important to Dustin. When I found out I was pregnant, Dustin admitted he had been seeing his ex and bullied me into an abortion. By the time I went to the doctors I was not 4 weeks pregnant, I was 13! In the ultrasound I saw a head and feet and a healthy spine and a cute hand wave. The feelings of a baby growing inside me filled me with joy. But at the same time tears of fear because I knew I was doing this alone AGAIN.  Even my drug addict baby daddy #1 managed to grab me meals and take me to appointments when we were kids. Baby daddy #2 at the ripe age of 26 years old changed his number. 

As I moved on from my heart break, I began to move forward and start to think what am I going to do with this pregnancy? I have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize. As fast as I decided to move on, I took an inner look at the situation. I had quit nightlife months before and had some health issues. I just finished real estate school. This is a spiritually growing time for me because of my Return in Saturn forces that have been leading me away form nightlife in devastating and dramatic fashions. I realized the toxicity not only from that environment but from the people I am surrounded by. The money was never worth the poison I allowed into my life. 

As weeks went by, I wanted baby more than anything now. I have things in my Amazon cart and have a baby name list. I dabbled w names: Ossa, Lilith, Seraphim, Dakota, Luna, Seriyna, Keira. I downloaded a few baby aps to entertain my baby jitters. It’s all unplanned and I’m doing it alone but I’m completely confident I am capable of doing this. Is anything ever planned? Or are we just stumbling through life making it all up as we go by, like Captain Jack Sparrow. I like to think I’m the latter lol, but it’s not always so graceful. When I got hospitalized at 19 weeks and I was in a situation where I had a choice to abort or stay in bed with supposedly a 1% chance of baby making it to 25 weeks, an abortion seemed like the easy way out from the responsibility. This was a test. But it came naturally. I wanted to fight for this baby, no matter the outcome, no matter if the doctors said she has a high chance of having mental illness and serious health issues. I spent so much time thinking I would abort it in that case. But when faced with the situation, didn’t blink before I knew that wasn’t an option. 

People keep telling me god won’t give you anything you can’t handle. And I try to see the beauty in all of this. How am I growing? I feel this whole experience is an extremely spiritual time for me. I feel miscalculating a late pregnancy, taking a plan b that failed and the unfortunate circumstances have all been meant to be. I’m learning to be selfless for another life. Although I have a daughter, I was young and made a lot of mistakes. I missed  a lot with Kai because I was too immature to understand it and I don’t want or make those same mistakes. I want to enjoy being a mother this time and be a better mom. I’m so excited Kai is having a sister and we are growing our family. 

Even when I was hurt, I tried to reconcile with Dustin with kindness. I tried to have an open heart. I tried to understand why someone could hurt someone like that? It was simple because he was so selfish that he did things without thinking of others because of his past and pain he had been through. Some allow themselves to be jaded.  I came to learn, when you become empathetic you start to have compassion: and through giving, I began to learn the holes in me were healing. When we live in a world where people take and hurt we are hesitant to do so. But when we learn empathy, it makes it easier to give when you understand someone’s pain. 

I have a white ink Tat on my ribs with tribal that I did when I was hurt and going through a hard time. It’s just a reminder to not be jaded. 
“There is a light that never goes out.” The Smiths.

Now I’m trying to learn the receiving part. Being on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy is a hellish nightmare. I can’t go to the gym. I can’t work. I can’t leave my bed. I am sooooooo fkn bored out of my skull. At least in jail you have cigarettes, conjugal visits and yard time. No sexy time for me. But this time has allowed me to learn how to accept help. At first I was denying help because I didn’t want to ask for anything. Then a friend made me realize something: sometimes giving is healing too and it’s a two way street and we need to learn to accept with grace. Then some of the mean comments and judgment ensued. And I realized to drop the excess baggage and negativity and embrace the positive. 

Be kind. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. Positive things are coming this way. 

Xoxo

the Scorpion and the Frog


The Scorpion and the Frog

  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" 

		Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

the Ass and it’s Shadow


THE ASS AND HIS SHADOW

A TRAVELER hired an Ass to convey him to a distant place.  The
day being intensely hot, and the sun shining in its strength, the
Traveler stopped to rest, and sought shelter from the heat under
the Shadow of the Ass.  As this afforded only protection for one,
and as the Traveler and the owner of the Ass both claimed it, a
violent dispute arose between them as to which of them had the
right to the Shadow.  The owner maintained that he had let the
Ass only, and not his Shadow.  The Traveler asserted that he had,
with the hire of the Ass, hired his Shadow also.  The quarrel
proceeded from words to blows, and while the men fought, the Ass
galloped off.  

	In quarreling about the shadow we often lose the substance.

Avaricious and Envious


TWO neighbours came before Jupiter and prayed him to grant their hearts’ desire.
Now the one was full of avarice, and the other eaten up with envy. So to punish
them both, Jupiter granted that each might have whatever he wished for himself,
but only on condition that his neighbour had twice as much. The Avaricious man
prayed to have a room full of gold. No sooner said than done; but all his joy was
turned to grief when he found that his neighbour had two rooms full of the precious
metal. Then came the turn of the Envious man, who could not bear to think that hia
neighbour had any joy at all. So he prayed that he might have one of his own eyes
put out, by which means his companion would become totally blind.

“VICES ARE THEIR OWN PUNISHMENT.”

I Hate Narrow Minded People Who Can’t See Past Their Nose.


I’m a writer. Some days when I have nothing to do, or I find my mind drifting, I lay in bed, open a bottle of cabernet, and grab some cheese and crackers and spend my day releasing all that is in my head.  By sunset, often I have a headache, but I find these blog days very therapeutic.  I often work problems out in my head, make discoveries on my own.  I’m like my own free personal psychologist.

When I was younger, I was often frustrated with people not understanding me, especially my parents.  This caused me to be a troubled teenager, and I believe, engraved a strong rebellious attitude in my personality.  But I was afraid to express myself, because I felt oppressed by a dominating father who forced a Mormon household religion on me, which I did not agree with.

Sharing something a little personal with you…

I got locked up in Juvey hall when I was 13 and lived in different programs and group homes with other juvenile delinquent girls for several years of my teenage life in Provo, UT.  That’s another story, you can read all about it in my crazy ass book, “No Love in the Champagne Room.”  Anyhow… I found it very hard to get along with many of the girls.  I had not developed my own self identity, frustrated with fitting in, I became somebody else.  However, in these programs, we studied therapies and the art of communicating.  It took years of being in programs, but I have learned to efficiently express myself.  I’ve learned to be honest with myself, and express things in a cordial way.  I’ve even studied psychology and thinking patterns which is quite useful.

I think it’s okay to disagree, but to respect others opinions at the same time. I think so many adults in this world are communicating on the level of 13 year olds still.  They never fully understood how to properly form normal bonds with other human beings, or relate with people on a social norm.  I’m thankful for what I have learned, but also, there are battle scars within me that run deep.  I’m not perfect.  I don’t always see the big picture.  But if you explained it to me, and helped me to understand,  I think that I could apologize if I was wrong, come to accept the truth, and move along without holding grudges or feeling any less of a person for being wrong.  Sometimes people have so much pride that they are holding on to.  They can’t be wrong.  And often times… it’s never about who’s right or wrong, it’s about miscommunication.  If there is no communication, there is nothing.

I’m good at expressing myself.  I get frustrated when somebody can’t reciprocate their feelings, or help me understand their point of view.  That is what it boils down to, not disagreeing, but understanding.  The difficult part… finding the conclusion to the dilemma.  Solving the problem.  If you never take a step in the direction of diplomacy then there is no solution.

the Fox, the Cock and the Dog


One moonlight night a Fox was prowling about a farmer’s hen-coop, and saw a Cock roosting high up beyond his reach.

“Good news, good news!” he cried.

“Why, what is that?” said the Cock.

“King Lion has declared a universal truce. No beast may hurt a bird henceforth, but all shall dwell together in brotherly friendship.”

“Why, that is good news,” said the Cock; “and there I see some one coming, with whom we can share the good tidings.” And so saying he craned his neck forward and looked afar off.

“What is it you see?” said the Fox.

“It is only my master’s Dog that is coming towards us. What, going so soon?” he continued, as the Fox began to turn away as soon as he had heard the news. “Will you not stop and congratulate the Dog on the reign of universal peace?”

“I would gladly do so,” said the Fox, “but I fear he may not have heard of King Lion’s decree.”

Cunning often outwits itself