Forgiveness


To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.

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I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old.  I found this little bracelet my ex gave me.  The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work.  It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.

The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me.  He has done things to me that are unforgivable.  He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive.  He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.

Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina.   I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger.  It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite.  I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid.  I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol.  My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend.  We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend.   I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone.  Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦  What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well.  They too had to forgive each other.

As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship.  He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way.  Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him.  He never asked for forgiveness.  I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me.  It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved.  To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond.  That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.

As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing.  They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight.  She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond.  I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be.  It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology.  Or they have the “one-up.”  An apology is a hard thing to conjur up.  Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness.  Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama.  That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.

I wore that bracelet last night after I found it.  I wanted to throw it away at first.  But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet.  He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore.  I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past.  I wore it because I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Time Starts to Pass Before You Know it You’re Frozen…


“Life passes most people by while they’re making grand plans for it.” George Jung. (Johnny Depp) Blow

I asked my daughter what she’s going to do when she grows up.  She said she’s going to do art.  She wants to do 10 things when she’s big.  She wants to paint nails, and play computer.  She wants to make funny faces.  She said she’ll work a lot like Mommy, and give her kids respect and lots of toys.  She says adults don’t play.  I guess she sees me working all the time.

I often think how nice it would be to be a kid again.  When I was young, I couldn’t wait to grow up.   My parent’s always told me, before you know it you’re going to be a grown up and you’re going to wish you were a kid again.  Yeah right, I thought.  I’m tired of my parents bossing me around.

When I was 15 I ran away from home.  I didn’t see my parents for 3 years.  I hustled hard to pay for a hotel at the Prince in Waikiki.  I had enough money for food, but had to eat $1 menu @ Jack in the Crack often.  Once in a while I’d pick up a case of  Smirnoff Ice, or a beer. I didn’t have a lot of clothes, in fact, I could fit it all in a back pack, because sometimes when the hotel’s were full in busy season, I’d go sleep on the beach.  Yeah, I know, I’ve come a long way from my teenage years.  But that much independence taught me life.  I was free and I loved it.  I was living it up.  I wish I could go back to living in a shack by the beach, little responsibility, being happy, and feeling young again.

Now, I live in a luxury 2 bedroom condo, have 3 cars, a beautiful daughter, 5 credit cards, and an ample list of bills.  The quality of life is definitely improved, and the company is better than the last time, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like I’m not going the places I want to.  I am still pursuing my education as a fashion designer.  But I have so many passions and can’t focus it all.  I love art.  I’m a musician and composer.  I’m the creative type.  I love film and theatre, and composition.  I love food and wine, and travel.  I am in love with love itself.  Constantly looking for the perfect love (if I haven’t already passed it by).   I love writing.  Modeling.  Photography.  Expression.  This blog is my way to share my soul with the world, and feel like I am doing something worthwhile.  I’m stuck in Vegas until my lease is up in May, and I just feel like I am dying here.

I’m the ambitious type and sometimes I get caught up and lose it.  Sometimes you just have to pick up and go somewhere new and start all over.  I feel sorry for people who get caught up in something that is no good for them.  A drug addiction.  A bad relationship.  The wrong city.  A dead end career.  They are all so separate subjects, but can be equally deadly.

Know which way the wind blows. It’s sending me to LA.

Begin doing what you want to do now.  We are not living in eternity.  We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.

xoxo

Kristie Manning