To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.
I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old. I found this little bracelet my ex gave me. The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work. It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.
The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me. He has done things to me that are unforgivable. He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive. He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.
Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina. I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger. It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite. I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid. I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol. My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend. We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend. I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone. Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦 What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well. They too had to forgive each other.
As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship. He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way. Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him. He never asked for forgiveness. I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me. It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved. To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond. That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.
As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing. They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight. She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond. I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be. It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology. Or they have the “one-up.” An apology is a hard thing to conjur up. Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness. Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama. That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.
I wore that bracelet last night after I found it. I wanted to throw it away at first. But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet. He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore. I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past. I wore it because I found forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.