Forgiveness


To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.

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I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old.  I found this little bracelet my ex gave me.  The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work.  It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.

The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me.  He has done things to me that are unforgivable.  He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive.  He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.

Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina.   I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger.  It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite.  I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid.  I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol.  My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend.  We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend.   I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone.  Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦  What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well.  They too had to forgive each other.

As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship.  He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way.  Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him.  He never asked for forgiveness.  I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me.  It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved.  To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond.  That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.

As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing.  They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight.  She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond.  I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be.  It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology.  Or they have the “one-up.”  An apology is a hard thing to conjur up.  Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness.  Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama.  That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.

I wore that bracelet last night after I found it.  I wanted to throw it away at first.  But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet.  He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore.  I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past.  I wore it because I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

A Piece of Me


I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.

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I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise.  A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point.  I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time.  The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion.  He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex.  Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father.  I felt womanized into something that was completely fake.  Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie.  That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me.  Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be.  He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother  call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby.  He couldn’t help me to doctors visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up.  I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish.  I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings.  I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable.  People take advantage of weakness.  There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle.  I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with.  At the end of the day it was simple.  He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.

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I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job.  It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period.  I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time.  Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done.  Everything looked fine to my surprise!  I grew attached and excited for baby to come.  Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister.  At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test.  They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night.  They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes.  The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking.  Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried.  I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said.  They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god.  I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything.  I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks.  My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested.  This kept baby in.  During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills.   I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received.  It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.  It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments.  I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen.  Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated.  Sips of wine would help stop contractions.  2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions.  At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.

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Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication  which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep.  I lied in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself.  I didn’t want her to go yet.  I had fought this hard to make it two weeks.  12 more days and she could make it.  I was determined to hold on.  At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing.  Chorioamnionitis is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me?  I suddenly decided I have to stop.  I stopped fighting.  Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I was already 7 cm dilated  and her head was already very low in delivery position.  Contractions weren’t coming.  Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push.  So I decide to help her end her suffering.  The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions.  She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb.  I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will.  I was too stubborn holding on.  I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way.  Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms.  She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her.  She did not appear to have down syndrome.  Her development was healthy.  My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.

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Don’t give up hope.  Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion.  Get a second.  My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital.  The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up.  The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on.  I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on.  The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow.  I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit.  I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best.  My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah.  And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.

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I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

 Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions.  I do not know which is more disturbing to me.   That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself.  There are options.  Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision.  Do the right thing.

WORLDWIDE

Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (http://www.agi-usa.org)

UNITED STATES

Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

MORE FACTS http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.


Please pray for Serah

You can follow the story and updates at
https://www.gofundme.com/prochoiceconflict

xoxo

Time Starts to Pass Before You Know it You’re Frozen…


“Life passes most people by while they’re making grand plans for it.” George Jung. (Johnny Depp) Blow

I asked my daughter what she’s going to do when she grows up.  She said she’s going to do art.  She wants to do 10 things when she’s big.  She wants to paint nails, and play computer.  She wants to make funny faces.  She said she’ll work a lot like Mommy, and give her kids respect and lots of toys.  She says adults don’t play.  I guess she sees me working all the time.

I often think how nice it would be to be a kid again.  When I was young, I couldn’t wait to grow up.   My parent’s always told me, before you know it you’re going to be a grown up and you’re going to wish you were a kid again.  Yeah right, I thought.  I’m tired of my parents bossing me around.

When I was 15 I ran away from home.  I didn’t see my parents for 3 years.  I hustled hard to pay for a hotel at the Prince in Waikiki.  I had enough money for food, but had to eat $1 menu @ Jack in the Crack often.  Once in a while I’d pick up a case of  Smirnoff Ice, or a beer. I didn’t have a lot of clothes, in fact, I could fit it all in a back pack, because sometimes when the hotel’s were full in busy season, I’d go sleep on the beach.  Yeah, I know, I’ve come a long way from my teenage years.  But that much independence taught me life.  I was free and I loved it.  I was living it up.  I wish I could go back to living in a shack by the beach, little responsibility, being happy, and feeling young again.

Now, I live in a luxury 2 bedroom condo, have 3 cars, a beautiful daughter, 5 credit cards, and an ample list of bills.  The quality of life is definitely improved, and the company is better than the last time, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like I’m not going the places I want to.  I am still pursuing my education as a fashion designer.  But I have so many passions and can’t focus it all.  I love art.  I’m a musician and composer.  I’m the creative type.  I love film and theatre, and composition.  I love food and wine, and travel.  I am in love with love itself.  Constantly looking for the perfect love (if I haven’t already passed it by).   I love writing.  Modeling.  Photography.  Expression.  This blog is my way to share my soul with the world, and feel like I am doing something worthwhile.  I’m stuck in Vegas until my lease is up in May, and I just feel like I am dying here.

I’m the ambitious type and sometimes I get caught up and lose it.  Sometimes you just have to pick up and go somewhere new and start all over.  I feel sorry for people who get caught up in something that is no good for them.  A drug addiction.  A bad relationship.  The wrong city.  A dead end career.  They are all so separate subjects, but can be equally deadly.

Know which way the wind blows. It’s sending me to LA.

Begin doing what you want to do now.  We are not living in eternity.  We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.

xoxo

Kristie Manning

Fashion Designer: Laura Karlin


-Name? Laura Karlin

-DOB? astrology sign? April 29th, Taurus (but I’m not really into that much…)

-Where are you from? Lincoln, NE

-Where do you live now? Lawrence, KS

-Where did you study? University of Nebraska

-What inspires you as a designer? I think beauty in general inspires me; beauty in nature, colors, shape, texture, pretty much anything. And my thoughts about what I would want to wear inspire me – I don’t design anything I wouldn’t put on and walk out of the house in.

-What is your goal as a designer? My goal as a designer is to create clothes that might help people discover what they want to wear and what their personal style is. I don’t think people should/have to wear what I design, but if they see something new they like in one of my designs and make it their own, I see that as success.

-What are your inspirations? I’m not really sure I can put my finger on any specific inspirations I have, because it could really come from anywhere.

-Favorite artists? Titian, Jan van Eyck (old guys)

-Fav photogs? Audrey Hannah

-Fav designers? Valentino, Alexander McQueen, Jason Wu, Balenciaga, Armani Prive, Oscar de la Renta, ZARA (if that counts) and lots more

-If you could see your outfits on any celebrity who would it be? Anyone! But if I could choose, either Blake Lively or Racel Bilson. They’re such fashion icons and trend-setters, it would be a huge honor to have that recognition.

-If you could design for any designer or major fashion house, who would it be? Valentino

-If you could compare your designs to any designer and say that they were similar, who would it be? – Hmm, that’s tough. I do lots of feminine stuff, sort of like Valentino… so maybe that’s the closest? I also really love red clothes. But Valentino is in a WHOLE other league.

-Other hobbies? Movies, watching sports, studying language, shopping (duh!), and meeting new people

-Any upcoming gigs? Uh, continuing to blog and design?

-Website? [link]
-Blog? [link]
-facebook? [link]
-myspace? nope
-twitter? [link]
-Contact? Laureliz456@gmail.com