How to Pick a Partner


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Nope that’s not what I meant… but LOL

How do you pick a partner?  I don’t f***ing know.  I’m hopelessly single.  But I do know what I look for in a relationship.  My sister recently told me about a book that teaches you what to look for in a relationship.  I guess this is from the “post-divorce” section of the book store.  Nobody is perfect, but it’s finding the person who is compatible for us to make something last.

  1. Find out how you fight.  What is your fighting style?  Do you blow up and get emotional?  Are you unforgiving?  Are you too quick to forgive? Do you run away and blow off steam.  Are you unresponsive and avoid your issues?  The way two people deal with issues can make or break you.  I may be emotional and fiery in a moment and quick to cool down and forgive.  So maybe being with someone who understands that and understands to back away from the situation is the best person for me.  But even if that is not the case.  If he understands how you feel, maybe he can make that compromise to deal with you differently than he normally would because he understand that is how you deal with things, and you could make an effort to understand your way of dealing with things can be destructive and even though you may fail a few times, try to practice a more rational approach.  #growth

2. Find out how their parents “damaged” them.  Our parents are all good people (most of them) and their intention is never to hurt you, but we can’t help but have quirks in our personality or something negative about ourselves we inherited from our parents.  Me, for example, I have my dads temper.  And my parents controlling attitudes manifested in rebellion.  Taking the first step of self realization is important in personal development.  And expressing those weaknesses to your other half is a step in understanding the inner workings of their mind and how their pains or misunderstandings have developed into obstacles in their lives.  Being rebellious has hurt me in school, in work and in relationships.  Once I understood where this rebellious attitude came from, I realized, I don’t need to be rebellious anymore, and I let it go.  And I will never have that same attitudes towards raising my daughter.  I had a friend once tell me his dad unintentionally damaged him.  His grandfather was a championship boxer.  And he was a jerk and use to beat up people.  He even beat up the mail man once.  His father hated it so much, that he was a peaceful person.  He mistook this for his dad “being a pussy.”  This instilled in his mind, and he went through an extremely rebellious period that he had to be “hard” and “gangster” to prove himself, and this time period where gangster rap and rebellious attitudes was a “trend” contributed to the issue.

3. Ask them to name their best traits and a few of their worst.  Give them time to show they have good self esteem.  A person with poor self esteem will have a hard time talking positively about themselves.  And someone who can be honest and real about their short comings understands themselves and shows promise for growth.

My best: Sexy, Intelligent, Competitive, Ambitious.

My Worst: Impatient. Fickle. Retaliating. Emotional.

4.  What are you goals?  Have an understanding of what is in your future.  Is it ambition?  Big business? Small business? Marriage? Children? Do you have desire to do philanthropical work?  Often This is a major stopping point for me.  I’ve met so many great people that I’m compatible with, but often one is terrified of children, or some are divorced and never want to marry again.  I have a child, so sometimes instal-family isn’t always what people thought it was and they are left thinking… “I signed up for this?”  Having these conversations early is a great way to begin a relationship.  Nonetheless… people don’t always know what they want, and in the moment they could’ve  thought this is what they wanted, and 6 months or 8 years down the road, they could decide still, this is not what I want.  Make sure that what you want is clear.  Don’t give into wants, egos and desires.  Look at this maturely from an outside perspective and genuinely come to meet someone that has mutual goals as you.  Be honest.  I think people tend to mask their true feelings with lies to prevent being hurt again.  I think opening up to love is greater than being stuck in single land, but really missing having something great again but being too scared to take a chance.  I’ve ran into that a lot and it’s a lot more common than you know.  I’ve been guilty of it, especially after an intense break up, when you need time to heal.

5. Find out their personality types.  And how they make decisions.  There are 4 personality types.  Imagine a cross with 4 segments.  The upper is dominant, the lower is submissive.  The other sides are divided by rule breakers and rule followers.  When you intertwine these 4 traits they create 4 personality types.  Understanding the way these personalities interact with one another will bring strength to the relationship.  It’s not about being compatible.  Each relationships has different strengths and weaknesses, and understand what they are will help you to emphasize on those strengths, and how to improve on your weaknesses.  I am a monkey.  I am unfocused party animals, promoter, instigater, wild, etc.  A lion is a leader and in business can help me stay grounded and focused.  But in a relationship, an owl is the thinking quiet methodical type and is actually best for me because they keep me grounded.  Other monkeys are great for friends and party people.  And Koalas are a good emotional support for me, but I know for a fact I could NEVER date a Koala.  And dating another monkey would be like dating a Gemini.  I’ve done it, and it lacks the emotional stability I need.  Although, it’s a lot of fun, the grounding energies of a Lion or an Owl is what I need.

I’m still unsure about what the decision making options are.  I understand I am emotional and not rational and I look to my partner to come up with a solution.  I get really upset when my partner makes a decision without me.  He doesn’t need my permission but discussing things is always healthy.

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There are many facets of relationships such as communication, political/social/economic/religious views, financial stability, emotional issues etc. However, having a deeper understanding of the person you are with will help you or ultimately break you in the end.  Every relationship is hard and takes work and dedication, but the base for a healthy relationship that is going to last will be dependent on if you have a solid FOUNDATION and this comes from a mature understanding.

If you’re running a business, conventional wisdom states that you’re a much more effective business owner if you study business in school, create well thought-out business plans, and analyze your business’s performance diligently. This is logical, because that’s the way you proceed when you want to do something well and minimize mistakes.

But if someone went to school to learn about how to pick a life partner and take part in a healthy relationship, if they charted out a detailed plan of action to find one, and if they kept their progress organized rigorously in a spreadsheet, society says they’re A) an over-rational robot, B) way too concerned about this, and C) a huge weirdo.

#compatibility

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xoxo

I Hate Narrow Minded People Who Can’t See Past Their Nose.


I’m a writer. Some days when I have nothing to do, or I find my mind drifting, I lay in bed, open a bottle of cabernet, and grab some cheese and crackers and spend my day releasing all that is in my head.  By sunset, often I have a headache, but I find these blog days very therapeutic.  I often work problems out in my head, make discoveries on my own.  I’m like my own free personal psychologist.

When I was younger, I was often frustrated with people not understanding me, especially my parents.  This caused me to be a troubled teenager, and I believe, engraved a strong rebellious attitude in my personality.  But I was afraid to express myself, because I felt oppressed by a dominating father who forced a Mormon household religion on me, which I did not agree with.

Sharing something a little personal with you…

I got locked up in Juvey hall when I was 13 and lived in different programs and group homes with other juvenile delinquent girls for several years of my teenage life in Provo, UT.  That’s another story, you can read all about it in my crazy ass book, “No Love in the Champagne Room.”  Anyhow… I found it very hard to get along with many of the girls.  I had not developed my own self identity, frustrated with fitting in, I became somebody else.  However, in these programs, we studied therapies and the art of communicating.  It took years of being in programs, but I have learned to efficiently express myself.  I’ve learned to be honest with myself, and express things in a cordial way.  I’ve even studied psychology and thinking patterns which is quite useful.

I think it’s okay to disagree, but to respect others opinions at the same time. I think so many adults in this world are communicating on the level of 13 year olds still.  They never fully understood how to properly form normal bonds with other human beings, or relate with people on a social norm.  I’m thankful for what I have learned, but also, there are battle scars within me that run deep.  I’m not perfect.  I don’t always see the big picture.  But if you explained it to me, and helped me to understand,  I think that I could apologize if I was wrong, come to accept the truth, and move along without holding grudges or feeling any less of a person for being wrong.  Sometimes people have so much pride that they are holding on to.  They can’t be wrong.  And often times… it’s never about who’s right or wrong, it’s about miscommunication.  If there is no communication, there is nothing.

I’m good at expressing myself.  I get frustrated when somebody can’t reciprocate their feelings, or help me understand their point of view.  That is what it boils down to, not disagreeing, but understanding.  The difficult part… finding the conclusion to the dilemma.  Solving the problem.  If you never take a step in the direction of diplomacy then there is no solution.