SIREN’S DIARIES


12.19.16

c1200766-da8f-45b7-aec1-9719acb09992Been a minute since I wrote in here.  Been busy w Mochi and getting my head right again.  Been a little depressed and it’s been hard to get back on my feet, emotionally at the very least.  I never thought I could feel so empty.   Couldn’t help but think of Marilyn Monroe.  Here we have a classic beauty, who had all the talent in the world, but wasn’t happy.  I know I will pick myself back up again.  But as I analyze myself and my behavior, come to think about it, I was depressed long before I was ever pregnant or lost my baby.  Come to think about it, I got caught up in stripping and was SO UNHAPPY, but never did anything about it.  I guess I got caught up and was so into the easy money, the hustle, the grind, even though I dabbled in different work, it was easy to fall back into it.  I put my foot down that was the last time.  It was dancing that is making me unhappy.  It’s like heroin, never good as the first time, but you keep chasing it.  I’m glad I can clearly see outside now looking in and I know that I don’t want to go back to it.  I thought of Marilyn Monroe because I have a frame of her in my bathroom.  Some people suffer in silence.  I told myself to be strong, that this is life, and you put one foot in front of the other to get it done, even though you don’t want to.  This is no way to live.  When I’ve spent a lot of time investing into my own happiness, I allowed someone in, whom I allowed to destroy that happiness.  And it will take some time to get back.  Accomplishment of goals are what make me happy.  I have a whole new set of goals in front of me I wish to pursue.  2017, wait for a stronger, happier, accomplished “Siren.”  (:

“Light attracts moths, warmth; parasites.  Protect your space.”

11.23.16

 

Why am I so bored with men?  Or is it just the pickings are slim in Hawaii?  As a stripper, you meet all kinds of interesting people and men (and women) from all walks of life.  I’ve dated the poor musician ready to pour his heart out to you.  The billionaire lifestyle trying to own you.  The womanizer who charmed your panties off with his charisma.  The straight edge “safe guy” with a normal 9-5 that had more issues than a Sports Illustrated.  One thing they all have in common: you didn’t chase them.  I think it’s so easy to have men competing for your time, or waiting for you to be single, that you can have your pick of men when you are younger and especially when you work in nightlife and are exposed to so many options nightly.  But as I get older I get a stronger sense of what I like and what I don’t like.  Those options get narrower.

I honestly feel like men do not know how to step up nowadays.  The wealthy person will throw his money around but is afraid to make the first move because hoes are usually throwing themselves at him.  When he goes out with a woman he doesn’t know how to make the first move.  A younger individual will be intimidated by a strong woman, in the fact he has not yet found his path, and will find a woman who has her shit together intimidating.  Especially when she won’t put up with him not acting like a man.  This more than often will make a guy feel insecure.

Even your approach at attempting to show your interest needs to be up to par.  Are you dropping cheesy lines?  This is unnecessary.  We aren’t 23 anymore.  Just be attentive.  A woman knows when a man is interested when she stares into his eyes.  And if she is too you will know it.  You don’t have to be dramatic and make grand gestures and send her flowers.  Starting off casual as friends is usually a good thing because jumping into something dramatically pushes her away too.

Men are dependable.  Boys are fickle.  I think boys have too many options and too much noise going on to pay attention to you.  I think with social media, guys have more options and guys who do the “club hook up” aren’t interested in paying attention to you or getting to know you or listening to you.  They tend to be aggressive and if you don’t show interest back immediately or sexually they take it as disinterest.  I’m telling you a lot of guys have set themselves up for failure because they got impatient because they didn’t get the pussy in the first week.  But that’s ok, because those guys aren’t worth it.  Anything worth having is worth waiting for anyhow.  Plus that sexual tension is always good for the build up.  I get bored if I have something right away.  Dessert spoils dinner.

I’m far too intellectual to be woo’d with cheesy lines and be driven by sexual energy and aggressive advances.  It has to be subtle.  The key to getting a woman is getting inside her mind, then coming in 80% and letting her come in for the last 20%.  I can’t tell you how awkward it is when a guy grabs you and forces a kiss upon you when you’re pushing him off of you, lol.

I guess as a stripper you’ve dated all varieties of men.  You are impatient when men are incompetent, when they are not respectful of you or your time, when they lack social skills or are too immature to interact appropriately with a woman.  You are use to men kissing your ass.  But kissing ass isn’t what you’re looking for.  You need a middle ground.  You need someone who is socially acclimated, someone trust worthy, intellectually stimulating, someone who know’s how to stimulate you, someone with similar worldly interests, an animal in bed.  Someone deserving of your time.  I like a slow game.  If you give it all up in the beginning it’s boring.  Take your time.

11.17.16

Stripping is an art.  It’s the expression of sexual energy in the form of dance.  Yes, there are some lazy strippers who just want to turn a trick for a a dollar.  But the best strippers fulfill a fantasy.  They can turn you on with their eyes and the expression in their dance without ever touching you.  You can almost visualize what it would be like to engage in sex with them without even going there.  Are they slow and sensual?  Are they high energy and wild?  Do they know how to grind and pop?  A good stripper can read a customer and transform into their fantasy.  A siren, a mythological magical creature that can cause hallucinations catering to your hearts desires.  This is why I changed my stage name to Siren. (:

When I was younger, I enjoyed dancing very much.  I also was a very social butterfly, a natural Gemini.  I loved attention, I loved chatting with interesting people, and I loved expressing myself in a sexual nature.  For me, high sexual energy has always come naturally.  A decade in the industry has dulled my desire to interact with people.  It has caused me to be cautious of people.  I have witnessed the darker side of men.  I have understood what it means to love and what it means to lose.  I have understood the dark side of desire, the debauchery side of lust, the coin flip of love, and the unintentional wreckage of heart break.  I have experienced judgment and been misunderstood.  I have also experienced the heightened peaks of sexual freedom.  Darker paths lead to grandiose destinations.

I find myself often bored.  Dancing was like a high.  And without the peak of excitement, day to day life becomes blasé.  High incomes, shopping sprees, traveling and a flexible lifestyle is exciting.  When you come down to reality and want to grow roots, having a normal job, and a normal life tends to become a scary reality.  I’ve tried to find joy in  the type of jobs I do and career paths I have taken.  I like my freedom, and I need a decent income.  A bartending job at a Korean bar isn’t going to cut it.  I also find myself bored with men.  I’ve lived a very exciting life and dated a variety of exciting people.  Celebrities, international bankers and commodity traders, real estate investors, successful business men, musicians,  pilots, etc. Basically, people with interesting lives.  I don’t see myself dating an average Joe.  I need someone that exudes excellence.  I need someone who can stimulate my intellectual mind.  Someone I can argue with about politics, pull down the sheets and flip the dominance on when the mood strikes, experience new things, active physically and mentally, someone who keeps me entertained and on their toes, but also has a greater sense for good, and eclectic palette for art, design, food and wine, culturally travelled, and a desire to reach the stars and improve on the daily.  Someone who stays hungry and is never content.  I think too many times people are content and complacency is a slow death.  Can you keep up with me?  I’d rather be alone than in a prison with someone who doesn’t meet my expectations.  I am willing to give back as much as I expect.  The type of Queen to treat her man like a King.  You get what you give.  How hungry are you for greatness?  A man is only as good as his supporting woman.

 

10.25.16

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This is a very special new section in my blog.  Candy’s Diaries.  From the mind of a recovering stripper.  I find it late at night and I’m inspired to share some thoughts I have about love for a stripper.  It’s October of 2016.  I’ve spent 12 years in the adult industry, trying to get out for the last 6, but I continue to come back.  I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, having my second child and my Saturn in Return has done everything to push me out of nightlife.  I am finally done.   I would rather wait tables at IHOP than go back to that.  I’m up so late because I have to pass my real estate exam and I had too much coffee before going to the movies.  I’m taking a break because my mind is wandering.

A few nights ago I had a conversation with my girlfriend who happens to be going through a divorce about what I am looking for in a man.  We have friends settling down but not really content.  Some people do the safe thing.  Some people go for money.  But I’ve dabbled in each of those categories and was never satisfied.  After heartbreak it’s easy to go for the safe guy that will never hurt you, but something is still lacking.  It’s easy to go for the financial security, but most men with money end up being controlling  douche bags and insecure.  I’ve dated the musician.  I’ve had a child at a young age with the bad boy.  I unfortunately am having baby #2 with a much younger man.  #cougarstatus  I’ve dated doctors.  The IT businessman.  The retired play boy.  The billionaire 1%er.  The nerdy guy.  The retired sniper.  A navy seal.  What is my pattern?

SEX is a must. Speaking to my psychologist, which turns out she see’s a lot of people in the community that I know, she says that good sex is a huge thing we have in common.  Strippers have sex.  Lots of it.  Not because we’re whores and sleep around with everyone.  But I think to be a stripper you have to be sexually expressive and open and be able to connect with people sexually.  I think we live in a society where sex is suppressed and being in adult entertainment for a decade has opened my mind to things I never thought I would be open to.  But it’s also closed my mind to others.  Strippers to my surprise make the most loyal companions.  At least the ones who have made it a long term career or are raising a child alone.  They look at it like a job, not a lifestyle.  Lifestyle strippers are a whole other category feeding drug habits, nomadic lifestyles, lack of education and unhealthy psyches.

I’m not where I want to be in life and I know I am not living to my current full potential, and I have to admit, when dating someone who has their shit together they tend to be condescending.  Dating a stripper isn’t in the cards and when you’ve taken the time to emotionally connect with someone for a few months, you can feel used when they break it to you that there is no future for the two of you.  When this happens a few times it can tug at your self esteem and you tend to be more cautious of people you connect with.  If they are out of your league, they probably are, so having high standards is setting yourself up for failure.  So dating people below your league whom you have no emotional attachment to is satisfying for the time being.  When you finally meet someone you are smitten by you tread lightly because you don’t want the emotional heartbreak all over again.  I have to admit, I’ve fallen in love with the greatest potential of a man rather than who he really was and I have lead myself to deceit.

Over the years I’ve learned a straight up honest approach.  After all the only way dating a stripper works is if you are 100% honest and straight up about your dealings.  Trust is the only way this relationship can work, and an extremely confident man.  Insecure men will fall apart instantly.  This takes extreme maturity and understanding.  And that is rare to find in a relationship.  My general rule is to not get attached.  “Attachment leads to suffering.” Master Yoda.  But once in a while someone sneaks in. (:  Communication is the art to any relationship.  I find it liberating when you meet someone you can tell exactly what’s on your mind.  I don’t understand why people find it hard being open and honest.  It’s a great feeling when you learn to let go of your fears of being open.  As much as I’ve been hurt, I always try to keep an open heart.  I have a tattoo in white ink and tribal on my ribs.  “There is a light that never goes out.” the Smiths.

Somehow, I still haven’t managed to get it right.  My standards are high.  I won’t settle for less than someone treating me like a princess.  But I’m the type of Queen to treat her man like a King.

When I started stripping in 2004 I was pregnant with my daughter and 19 years old.  I use to really enjoy it.  I rarely drank alcohol.  Never went out or befriended industry people for years.  I use to genuinely enjoy it.  I enjoyed the power I had from the massive amount of money I was making through manipulating men.  Surviving an abusive relationship I found genuine therapeutic enjoyment in the hustle.  I enjoyed shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus every weekend.  The lavish gifts.  $3-4k a week cash working 4-5 nights a week.  All great things come to and end.  Around 2008-2009 the economy began to take a dive, so I left to Vegas for 2 years where I began attending school and working at the Spearmint Rhino to raise my daughter alone.  The economy only got worse from there and as time went on I found myself unable to leave the industry even though a big part of me hated my job.  Eventually it destroyed my soul.  I hated what I was doing yet I was unable to leave because I didn’t have the discipline or focus to make the sacrifices to leave.  The sad thing is the money was 25% of what I use to make.  Was it the economy?  Or was it that my heart wasn’t in it anymore?   Over the next 6 years I spent a lot of time doing different type of work, but I always end up coming back to the clubs.  It was toxic, a slow death, complacency.

But now the way I date has drastically changed.  It’s rare that I meet anyone I’m remotely interested in.  I don’t waste my time going out with people I’m not interested in.  And if they’re interested in me, they have to understand that I’m a mother first.  I have a great ability to compartmentalize.   I have no time for bullshit.  Hook ups are hook ups.  And if they are hook ups, this should be up front so nobody gets hurt.  But good sex starts in the mind.  It starts in seducing her by understanding her wants and needs and understanding what it is she wants.  You can’t fake this.  If you guys are genuinely compatible on a deeper level, she will see this. Strippers are use to lines, they’re use to men spoiling them and hanging on their every word.  They’re use to the guys who go out of their way for them and spend money on lavish gifts and dinners.  Guys who chase them.  So if you don’t invest some time and energy into me, I won’t feel special and I probably won’t be interested.  I’m not saying we need dinner at Vintage Cave and a Louis Vuitton bag.  But my tastes aren’t cheap.  It takes EFFORT.   Something this generation knows nothing about.  Courting.  I think some men are clueless to how to woo or seduce a woman, and if she isn’t easy then they take it as being uninterested.  A drunk advance to kiss a woman good night is not the same as seducing her mind and body.   Sex has become purely mental to me and I cannot connect physically until the mental part of me it’s seduced.  A decade in the club has jaded me to the physical sense seduction.

I wouldn’t say a stripper is jaded.  But it will take a spectacular man to fill that position.

Besides… any man who would date a stripper isn’t worth dating in the first place.  The conundrum.   

QUITTING STRIPPING 07.02.12