Toast to Newlywed Nikki and Johnny White


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Apr. 15, 2017

I didn’t expect them to cut off the toasts so suddenly, so I want to express my love and support of this newly wed couple.  Maybe it’s better perhaps for me to put it into writing than to give a long drunken speech jumping back and forth with my ADD , [ LOL :)~ ]
I have so much to express about my best friend Nikki and this beautiful couple. And even though I didn’t get to toast: I get photos when I write!  I first met Nikki from a mutual friend at the Love Fest.  She looked so adorable. Nikki was wearing a fuzzy fur hat with a fur vest and a cut off denim skirt with a cute crop top that showed off her (still) perfect abs.  #cutsomewatercutsomecarbs (by the way I AM going to get Nikki to compete one day.)  Little did I know that I would come to learn that Nikki was even more beautiful on the inside than she was on the outside, if that is even possible. (;

I first came to Nikki to help me sponsor a beauty event that was raising funds for starving children in Malawi.  She didn’t only hesitate to help, she also sent me in the direction of other sponsors and invited some great people who have all come to be great friends still.  Shortly after this, Nikki called me to come work for her at a tattoo expo as a promo girl.  I told her I would love to and I even rocked the bikini contest wearing her “Way Gone” hat. LOL *she threw me under the bus on that circus… but I’m down for her. I’d jump in front of a bus for her. ❤  At this time I started to be introduced to more of her circle.  I met Pua and I was so happy that Caleb was joining her team at Way Gone.  Also another beautiful spirit.  Nikki is surrounded by an eclectic mix of  fun and beautiful people.  And I love the positivity that she radiates.

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(don’t mind the silly hair, there was suppose to be a pin up contest lol)

It just so happened that at this time, I was going through a horrible break up, and Nikki was having some similar issues as well.  WING GIRL!  We are both Gemini’s so the two of us together are ADD overload and we know how to have fun till the sun comes up!  Friday nights turns into “try this on” and she finds the sluttiest dress she can in her closet, which turn into Saturday nights and Sundays turn into Nikki making my daughter Kai and I breakfast and brunches at Bogarts (our fav hang over spot) after sleeping on the day bed all weekend and getting to wake up to the ocean front breeze at her old condo at the Diamond Head Ambassador.  My daughter was always excited to come over to Auntie Nikki’s house so that she could hang out and play video games with Destin who was always patient and kind to her, [ because we all know what a butt head Kai can be sometimes (; ]  I remember one time we were at Safeway picking up pizza and ice cream for the kids, and Destin wanted to pay for it.  I think this was the first time he played “man of the house” and we thought the gesture was so sweet that he wanted to take care of his mommy.  He must have been about 13 at the time.  I think Nikki showed me what it meant to be a better mom.  I don’t think it was easy for me to balance a social life, making time for Kai and work.  And I thank her for not only being a positive person in my life, but also one of Kai’s favorite aunties.   Kai is loved by so many people although her father is in jail and unable to show her.  She is lucky to have people like Nikki who welcome her with open arms. Nikki too understands the struggle of raising a child single and understands the strength it requires to balance our lives.

Nikki always had a way of knowing when I needed a friend.  If I had a fight with a boyfriend, she’d always find something to do.  Like that one time we went sailing.  Being around her was always fun, we always were surrounded by great people, and you always seemed to forget all your problems.  But Nikki is also a great listener and always wants to help.  She always has great perspective to offer and although for the Gemini this ALWAYS backfires… believe me… I know… her heart is always in the right place! We’v only fought ONCE… I almost walked out while she was in the shower and she asked me to stay.  I was impressed by her humble ingenuity and ability to admit she was wrong.  I couldn’t stay mad at Nikki for longer than ten minutes.  We Gemini’s are ultra forgiving. (;

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Nikki came and supported me when I won my division in bodybuilding at the Sting Rey Classic in 2014.  Two weeks later my boyfriend and I got in a fight and I was unable to attend a big show in Pittsburgh I had trained extremely hard for.  She didn’t hesitate to loan me $2000 that month so that I can go to the event I had worked hard for, for months.  It was hard for me to accept but I knew that she wanted me to have it.  This kind gesture meant so much to me from someone I have only known for a short time.

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You can’t go to a good party without running into Nikki.  I broke up with my boyfriend AT this party because he told me he wasn’t feeling good and had to go to the office.  SO I decided to go to a pool party w Nikki and there he was drinking a cup of Patron.  So I went on with the party while Nikki kept me in a good mood.  She later convinced my boyfriend to come say hi to me.  But although her intentions were good: she couldn’t fix his tendency to fail at being smooth with his words lol.  Nikki is like a mom to me, a sister and a friend.  I first seek her approval of all the men I date before ever introducing them to my family lol.  I care for her opinion more than my own family.

The first time I met Johnny, Nikki and I were eating sushi at Doraku.  He joined us shortly after and we went to sing Karaoke at G’s Studio down the road.  I have some videos laying around in my icloud somewhere of that night (: and Johnny sang a wonderful old school Fitzgerald type song.  Totally impressed!  But Johnny’s shy, quiet swagger had me believing he wouldn’t last a month. (sorry JW)  Before I left to Vegas we hung out one more time with a friend of mine.  We met up at Lobby bar and went to Modern and ended up at the M.  Johnny had great manners and although we had our own bottles of champagne, he got a bottle of Goose as to not intrude.  Although we ended up giving it away, I liked the gesture of him buying his own bottle. (;

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Johnny didn’t mind that I came over to watch the super bowl with them and ruined his game by arguing politics with him the entire game. LOL even though me and Nikki were ganging up on him.  (We always do lol). Even when I jokingly suggested Nikki and I put on our bikinis and hold Trump signs on the corner of Hawaii Kai Dr… Johnny always laughed at my twisted humor.  When I came back from Vegas, they are now living together and an official couple.  It’s New Years and I just had returned from a year of traveling.  Johnny wants to go home at 1 am.  Why you gotta be so boring grandpa?

I called Nikki one evening and Caleb answered the phone.  A group of them all went  to Maui and apparently Johnny had proposed. The social butterfly that can’t be caught?  NO WAY!  I think others felt the same way, but I was the most vocal about it.  In a joking way I always said Johnny stole my wing girl. 😦  But I sincerely could not find one reason why he wasn’t the one.  I had seen the kindness he has shown her, and the growth since they have been together.  I see the balance Libra creates in Gemini’s free spirit.  And their dynamics shows me that you can have balance and freedom and still be close at the same time.  I only hope to find the same happiness one day as these two love birds.

“You hold me without touch.  You keep me without chains.”  

There was a time I was in the hospital with a complicated pregnancy and my family wasn’t really there for me.  Nikki’s friends all reached out to me.  People whom I barely knew, who I have all come to be really great people.  Her and Johnny brought me (my favorite) buffalo wild wings.  One thing is BWW is my ISH!  And Johnny has great taste when it comes to food!  On the day I lost my baby, (election day) Nikki brought me some food and Johnny brought me some flowers.  We watched the election as Trump crushed it.. and Johnny still wasn’t convinced… he was commentating like it was a basketball game like… “naw… Hillary’s gonna come back in the fourth quarter.”  I still wasn’t convinced that Johnny was the one.  Besides… he stole my wing girl and moved her out to Hawaii Kai.  Do you know how much further that is from my freaking house?

Holiday after holiday, Nikki and Johnny gathers groups for Thanksgiving potluck dinners, Christmas, and New Years eve (and red wine and bub of course).  Don’t get me started on Johnny’s massive mac and cheese!  I can only have a bite but believe me…. I would eat that for days!  The lobster dinner he shared with Charmaine and I on New Years day was also wonderful.  (; I had no idea he could cook!  “No wonder you’re keeping this one” I joked to Nikki.  There is something to say about a man that cooks.  Johnny kept impressing me with these small things and gestures.  I slowly began to see the kindness he showed Nikki and the little things that made her a better person.

I am also thankful for the blessed friends that have come into my life because of this beautiful soul and lessons she has also taught me about protecting your space and energy and most of all letting go of negativity and forgiveness. But also for her having an open heart and allowing me to inspire her in the tiniest ways in the same way she has done for me.

Johnny just flew in from Florida on NYE and was sleeping because of jet lag… And I was like “shhhhhh… don’t wake up grandpa… we want to go party!”  Lol!  JK… I’m sure Johnny doesn’t always mind being around all the beautiful ladies.  And this night was great even tho we got separated from the rest of the group, Johnny ended up designated driving us to Kaiser Bowls to watch a great view of the entire island even though he was super tired, he just wanted to spend new years with Nikki even if that meant dragging him out around town to dead spots to meet friends that mattered.  #designateddrivergrandpa That morning (I won’t go into details) but a situation arose and I was like oh s*** that is fighting material.  And the way he calmly handled it impressed me.  Johnny carries himself with dignity, class and has strong morals.  And though he may not always agree with everyone, he respects people for their differences in opinions and their imperfections and doesn’t judge Nikki’s “eclectic” group of friends.  This truly impressed me. Johnny is always up in his head tho so who knows what funny stuff is going on in there, because he likes to laugh at my craziness often with a funny “I’m just gonna sip on this beer…” dismissive look on his face. (; Even when I’m busy being a s*** head taking Nikki’s back in a debate, he is always calm and never angry.

So as it got closer to the wedding and we started doing preparations THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.  I’ll admit it!  I was the last person to really believe she wasn’t going to “run-away-bride” on Johnny.  I met someone (also a Libra) recently who reminds me immensely of Johnny.  He is kind and well mannered and is showing me all the things in a man I cynically didn’t believe existed anymore in this world of social media and surface level relationships.   Yet we all know this: Libra’s know how to let their freak flags fly, but still have the swag to put on the little romantic touch here and there that makes us want to vomit in our mouths a little bit (but we secretly love it… so don’t stop it coming).  (By the way… we all know Johnny’s a closet freak even though he didn’t like my Suzie’s bachelorette party gift… he’s with you Nikki… he has to be lol.)  A couple days before their wedding, I sent Nikki a text message…

“for the first time, I fully understand why you are marrying Johnny.”

It gives me hope… I feel sorry for the poor bastard who ends up with me. ❤

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A toast to the Bride and Groom: to the lucky devil who caught the uncatchable unicorn.  Mr and Mrs Johnny White.

xoxo

 

My Christmas List: Presents Under $100 For the Connoisseur


Every year I share my wish list with you.  Here it is… Everything available at Amazon.com

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Dean and Tyler Leash and Collar $19.76

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Coldbroo Coffee Maker (my roommate exploded mine when he turned the temperature down and everything froze over) 😦  My favorite! ❤ $40

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Water Lilies by Monet $69

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Simple to Spectacular: How to Take One Basic Recipe to Four Levels of Sophistication by Jean Georges $30

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Asian Flavors of Jean Georges $28

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Ball Mugs $10

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Alo Womens Luna Sweat Pants $78

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Alo Yoga Mesh Goddess Ribbed Leggings $79

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High Frequency Skin Care Machine $40

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Ultrasonic Skin Care Machine $55

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PS4 Charging Station $16

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Riedel Stemless Cabernet Glasses Set of 8 $56

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World Atlas of Wine $3

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White Nike Free RN Fly Knits $88

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Teal Cotton Oversized Knit Throw $45

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Neocutis Bio Gel Hyrdrogel $73

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December Special 3 personal training sessions for $99 (regularly $85/hour)
From iHeartFitnessHI.com

Gift Cards FROM

Victoria’s Secret
Lululemon
Zara
Nordstrom
Target

Forgiveness


To some of you this picture is meaningless… to me it means 1000 words.

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I cleaned out my atrocious closet today and half of the hallway closet boxes from 15 years old.  I found this little bracelet my ex gave me.  The mala beads were meant to protect me from anxiety and frustration at a time when I was going through a hard time being really unhappy at work.  It’s a cheap little trinket bought out of impulse off of Instagram clicks, but I appreciate the meaning behind it.

The person who gifted me this bracelet has done the unthinkable to me.  He has done things to me that are unforgivable.  He hasn’t even cared to apologize or ask for forgiveness or send me an apology email. Where people don’t go, they will not receive.  He’s done things that have scarred me and will forever impact my trust in men and love and relationships.

Friday night I went to Rum Fire to meet a friend after dinner and drinks at Monkeypod in Koolina.   I had this great drink: scotch, lemon, honey and fresh ginger.  It was spicy and smokey, but slightly sweet to the palette without over doing the sweeteness, with a slightly scotchy bitter after bite.  I was outside drinking a glass of wine on the ocean side bullshitting about politics, Trump and all the rioters with a young military kid.  I told him we can go slap Trump stickers on the cars at the riots lol.  My girlfriend came out to let me know we need to leave, that a friend of ours got in a fight w her boyfriend.  We bounced to the next club to reunite our friend with her fighting boyfriend.   I listened to my friend try to smooth out their wrinkles for a couple hours over the phone.  Dealing with drunken fights is never fun. 😦  What a wonderful friend she is to be so patient as to help her friends out, when she is in an equally drunken state as well.  They too had to forgive each other.

As we drove past an ex’s house from a few years ago, we started to talk about that relationship.  He’s been checking on me low key and I know that he cares about me, but that relationship ended in a truly horrible way.  Things have never been ironed out, and I never really forgave him.  He never asked for forgiveness.  I think he knew that no words could take back how bad he had treated me.  It was easier to just run away. I understand that my bitterness was never resolved.  To me, having a break is hard and I sent him an email apology and two years later he think it’s best to not respond.  That keeps me blinded and full of un-forgiveness.

As we drove up the marina, she played a voicemail from an old friend apologizing.  They had a mutual friend die and had a big fight.  She said her friend advised her not to answer or respond.  I feel like people who do not answer calls or return apologies are rude and it’s not a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of them; that they are unable to deal with complexities of the dynamics of whatever situation that may be.  It’s like they think they are too good to acknowledge your apology.  Or they have the “one-up.”  An apology is a hard thing to conjur up.  Honestly, I’ve only been apologized to a handful of times in my life by people who have did me wrong and genuinely were seeking forgiveness.  Ignoring an apology is like not dealing with your emotions because it’s easier to ignore it, put it on the back burner, and not acknowledge the drama.  That person was seeking a peace of mind when they came to you to apologize, and if you are unable to speak to them to confront your demons, then you too have not obtained peace of mind from whatever angers you.

I wore that bracelet last night after I found it.  I wanted to throw it away at first.  But then I put it on my wrist and remembered the kind gesture behind the bracelet.  He may have hurt me, and I may quite possibly never speak to him again, but I’m not dwelling on the anger anymore.  I didn’t wear it because of some silly nostalgic notion that I was being reminiscent of the past.  I wore it because I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Redecorating in Teal


I want to move into my own house in the Spring, and making my home comfortable is very important to me.

I have this bedding already and want to design around it. I don’t have the floral print, instead I have fur, gold, suede and wooden decorative pillows.

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Matson stole my comforter that was in my car when I shipped it, so maybe I need to opt for new bedding or find a similar comforter.

Michael Amini Madrid Cal King Comforter Set, Teal Gold Ruby Red $499
on Amazon.com

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Howard Elliott Nancy Oversized Mirror $399
on Amazon.com

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Dresser
Unknown

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Kevin Gordon Vase

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Found on Pinterest

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Art Deco Moser Vase

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Josh Simpson Art-Glass Vessel

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Lamp $275 on Polyvore

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Bare Decor Hourglass Artisan Accent Solid Teak Wood Tree Stump End Table $200

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Monet and Klimt Canvas (each under $100)
on Amazon.com

Cameron Brooks Photography on Metal

72″ Reclaimed Pine Dining Table (in Chestnut Finish)
$999 at West Elm

Curtains: Anthropologie, Interiors Addict and  Next.co.UK

Opus Deco Rug
$245
amazon.com

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Hemingway Blue Tufted Velvet Accent Chair
$449 on Amazon.com

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Monroe Ivory and Teal Fabric Dining Chairs
$154 on Amazon.com

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Jennifer Taylor Home Sofa
$1,330 on Amazon.com

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Peacock Blue Suede Couch
Source Unknown

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DIY Palette Coffee Table

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DIY Palette Porch Swing

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the Kiss by Dino Rosin

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Teal Rose Bushes

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This painting doesn’t have the cool color scheme but i feel it’s darkness and warmness would look great in my bedroom if I decided to go with warmer tones. Or in my bathroom.  My bathroom has a lot of warm red tones.  WIth the bedding set however, I can introduce some red and orange tones into accents.

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Balinese Daubed

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Need Child Care in Waipio Area?


So… I’m not gonna work for at least 6 weeks but I need some xtra $… So if anyone wants to hire me for baby sitting I live in Waipio and my schedule is wide open. Babies too. I figure it will be healing for me to be around children. Esp night care if you mamas wanna go out on the weekends. Hit me up.

more info

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/oah/hss/5872019235.html

xoxo

Single Parenting through Difficult Times


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This whole postpartum experience has been immobilizing and has given me an opportunity to spend more time talking to Kai.  We use to be closer.  She is 11 and I’m trying to salvage our relationship before she becomes a teenager I don’t know. We are very close.

People asked me why I didn’t reach out to family.  Well, we’re very different people and their idea of support is imposing their mormon beliefs on me that this was for the best because I’m not married and whatever else they’re thinking.  Although I know their intentions are well, those are not the right words for me right now.

I noticed Kai’s math grades slipping and I had to believe it has to do with all the stress happening at home.  She has been skimming her reading instead of slowing down and internalizing.  It must be really an unhappy place for her to come home to right now.  I feel like I haven’t been doing enough for her.  And I want to take the opportunity to do focus my energies on her.  The last few months have been all about me and I feel I’ve been neglecting her needs emotionally.

Kai is a smart cookie and she has so much potential and talent.  She should be in sports, learning a foreign language, learning an instrument and art and digital media.  She said she wants to play chess.  I think that is a good idea for her cerebral side.  And chess is good to keep the brain sharp and for logic development.  We cleaned out the bookshelf yesterday and are going to get some new books for her to read.  It’s really simple how a little bit of attention and encouragement can positively effect a child’s development.

I read the power of a name report… Kai is an Aries, a leader natural and her name Carolanne implies great power.  My parent technique of being stern is negative for her growth and may hinder her natural leader tendencies.  I have to learn how to be encouraging instead of downing her talents.  As parents we have to learn what is the most conducive technique to hone their best potential.  Kai generally is a good kid, but when I caught her lying about wearing my $180 fly knits which were now stained in red dirt, she was grounded immediately.  She didn’t even fight me when I gave her “how could you do this to mommy when she’s going through a hard time” look.  She knew what she had done.  So I will keep her on grounding until the cleans them.

The most difficult thing I’ve been trying to figure out is how to get her to communicate.  When discussing hard subjects she changes the subjects and avoids it.  I have to drag out the hard emotions which usually end up in tears.  But it’s usually through impatient force I get her to tell me what’s really going on.  I’ve gotten her to open up on some subjects related to her father not being around, and her anger towards me for being a busy single mom, and now how she didn’t feel happy about her baby sister dying and how it was hard for her to help hold mommy down while I was sick and she was really unhappy.  It was a hard time for everyone.  I held her in my arms and hugged her and we hung out and played video games and did Nu Skin mud masks. (:

I’m still clueless what’s the positive way to get her to communicate with me.  She is so guarded..  very secretive.  I notice her friends talking about boys because she borrows my cell phone to text them or sometimes her conversations from my ipad connect to my iPhone.  I don’t even see anything she says about boys.  If she has an interest in boys, she is very guarded about them, unlike her gossipy friends.  It’s so cute how she is at that age now. (: I’m glad she is making more friends at school now.  I guess it’s time for that phone.

I’m going to put Kai in some kind of physical activities.  Either she can continue boxing and Muay Thai at UFC gym or swimming or sport of choice.  Have her learn a foreign language, possibly Japanese or Chinese.  She wants to play chess.  She doesn’t want to learn piano like her mom, but I’ll let her decide what kind of instrument she wants to play. And I will continue to help her hone her artistic skills.  I’m very proud she won an art contest and her art was displayed at the Academy Art Museum.  A little bit of attention can go a long way in giving a child what she needs.  And I feel so horrible I have neglected some of her needs these last few months while I had a complicated pregnancy.

This experience has waken me up to not take time for granted.  Time is precious.  I felt like I had screwed up with Kai.  I had her at a young age and didn’t share the enthusiasm I do now at turning her into a mini me.  I had wanted a baby so I could have a second chance to do it right and create something amazing, but I forgot that I already have a mini piccasso who still needs me. ❤

I do want to try have a baby again some time in the next 4 years before I turn 35.  It’ll be with complications but I know now what those issues are and how to face them.  I want another little girl. (: But for now I’ll work on my first masterpiece a little bit longer.

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xoxo

Angels and Demons


Lilith: The girl’s name Lilith \l(i)-li- th\ is of Babylonian origin, and its meaning is belonging to the night.  From “lilitu”. According to legends told in the Middle Ages, Lilith was the name of Adam’s first wife. Because she refused to obey him, she was turned into a demon and Eve was created to take her place.

Seraphim: [seraphim] as a boys’ name is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Seraphim is “burning ones“. In Jewish scriptures, the seraphim are the highest-ranking angels of God (above angels, archangels, cherubim, etc). They have six wings and are noted for their zealous love. 
In Biblical the meaning of the name Seraphim is: Burning, fiery.

Ossa: The baby girl name Osa is pronounced as OW-Saa- †. Osa’s language of origin is African-Bini and it is used mainly in the Bini language. The meaning of the name is ‘godlike‘.

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These were the three names that stood out to me when choosing a name for my baby girl.  Coincidentally they all had to do with god, angels and demons.  I do not find myself a religious person, however I found this whole experience and unexpected pregnancy a highly spiritual experience for me.

I wanted something unique and powerful, something not too girly; something edgy and androgynous.  Lilith was one of the first names that stood out to me.  The story of Lilith goes that she was originally Adam’s equal but refused to be subservient.  Lilith was the first feminist lol.  Ok… I’m not a feminist, but in my heartbreak and raising another child alone, I felt a little bitter and the name Lilith felt suitable and empowering in a difficult situation.

As I scoured the internet for names, I found the name Seraphim.  Very unique, androgynous and a strong name. Too my surprise, Ben Affleck named their daughter Seraphina, a female rendition of Seraphim.  Seraphim is commonly used as a boys name, but also as a female name as well.  Seraphim, being an angel, I found to be a beautiful name in counter balance of each other; beauty in both dark and light.

I couldn’t get the name Seraphim and Lilith to flow; Seraphim Lilith has too many syllables.  I found the name OSSA, like the famous traveling/discoverer couple Martin + Ossa (and one of my favorite clothing companies).  Seraphim Ossa Lilith still seemed like too many syllables.  So I shortened Seraphim for Serah.  Serah Ossa Lilith.

As the pregnancy begun to be complicated, the meaning of the name Lilith started to sink in and superstition.

“People used to believe that Lilith, the evil demoness, would come and try to rob children from their beds at night. This is why the English word “lullaby” is derived from Hebrew words meaning “Lilith go away”.”

the famous bearer was willing to sacrifice a place in paradise rather than submit, It makes the name seem strong.”

The name Lilith has had many cultural variations and meanings across history.  I chose the name for the strong female connotations associated with it.  However there have been variations of her being a demon who steals lives of babies at night when they are asleep.  As soon as I read this, I decided just to name her Seraphim Ossa Manning.  Names can be powerful.

Seraphim Ossa Manning 12.2 oz. 21 weeks + 2 days Rest in Peace. ❤

She is an angel.  She came to me for a short time to show me what I needed to see.

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xoxo

Posted in <3

Grief


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I found an old stash and lit a half burned joint as I listened to the slow sensual beats of Sade Pandora.

“Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
Think I made a wrong turn
Back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know”
Eryka Badu
Maybe I should up it up a notch to some “Parra Cuva.”  All this sulking and crying isn’t for me.   No, I leave it on Sade.  Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, so I roll with it…
“My hands are tiedMy body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…

And you give yourself away.”
U2

I try to always see the lesson in every bad situation.  What did I get out of this?  Every tragic experience needs a positive perspective to heal and move on from.  I couldn’t find any positive thing out of being left pregnant by a cheating ex during a complicated pregnancy and then losing that baby.  I’m consumed with grief.

It took me an hour to make my bed this morning. I was so mentally exhausted from the miscarriage that when I came home from the hospital last night after I drank a glass of red wine, I fell asleep in my panties and hospital diaper w nothing but a blanket.  My hair was in a tangled messy bun and my eyes were puffy from crying.  This is not a sight I would want anyone to see me in.  The sheets and blanket and mattress cover I just got out of the dryer were in a ball next to me.

It felt like I was on an adrenaline high all week, anxious and in suspense of what is happening; took some pain killers on Saturday, when I hit my lowest; and dropped ecstasy and fell in love on Sunday when they pumped me full of hormones (oxytocin) post miscarriage; then took a xanax and smoked some weed on Monday to take away the hangover and unbreak your heart.  A new kind of personal low for me and I didn’t know how to feel because I know I’ve been in far worse situations that this and am thankful for what I do have, but it feels equally as bad but in a different kind of way.  A bittersweet kind of emptiness that leaves you scarily alone with your sobering thoughts.

As I slowly made my bed, I had to stop every 2 minutes to cry.  My house looks like a hurricane hit it.  It’ll give me something to do for a month; cleaning so good for the soul.  Clean and cry and think about Serah every step of the day.  I managed to clean out a couple bags today and clean off my  bedside counters.  The room was covered with clothes and junk from being on bed rest for the last two week, and Kai wrecking the room while I was in the hospital.

I think often; I’ve always felt it was appropriate to get out and move on from hard experiences instead of internalizing it and accepting that grief fully. Sitting around, crying and eating foods that make you fat, feeling guilty with every bite, but being so care free that you don’t care anymore.  I use to allow myself to get so care free and out of control and allow my spirit to be free; so free that it scared me into bringing myself back to a centered place before I got too lost out there.  I think this is why experimental drug use and living life on cruise control never harmed me spiritually.  I think it made me a better person; a better mother, friend, entrepreneur, lover, a more open minded individual.

When you learn to love you learn to give, and when you learn the joy that comes from giving to others, you become aware of the high sense of the power of love.  When doing good becomes an actual high we finally realize we are on the right track to obtaining that higher Nirvana we were blindly seeking for.  I now understand the power we possess to warm our own hearts and others with kindness.  When we are full we find a greater purpose in giving love to others in need of love. In learning to accept I have also learned to give.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” Sade

I caught Kai, my 11 year old daughter stealing and lying.  She stole my $180 Fly Knits which are now stained with red dirt while I was in the hospital, then lied about it.  I was so mad I swear my uterus was going to fall out.  She knew she had been caught and she didn’t even talk back when I told her she was grounded from the computer and the ipad the rest of the week.  I gave her the look like “how could you do this to Mommy while she’s going through all of this” look and she already knew.

I don’t like grounding Kai that long.  Punishing kids long term is punishing myself because I have to uphold that grounding.  That’s punishing parents. :/  I want to make sure she gets the message.  When she comes home from school I’m going to make her toothbrush scrub those shoes till they are white like new because I took good care of those shoes, they are my favorite gym shoes.  Then we’re going to see what she has to say and depending if she is humbled or not will determine if she is off grounding.  I hope she takes the humble route, because grounded kids are bored kids. 😦

 

Ok Pandora is killing me.  I gotta get to a doctors appointment.

RIP angel Seraphim Ossa Manning

Sometimes pain is the road to transformation.  Grief is necessary to move forward and acceptance is necessary to grow.  

xoxo

A Piece of Me


I want to share something very personal and raw with you because it was good and it was bad, but it made me feel and it was real.

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I was 13 weeks when I got to the doctor and found out I was having a girl to my surprise.  A human being was growing in me, and a second trimester abortion is out of the picture at this point.  I know that I’ve wanted this for a long time, but right now wasn’t the best of time.  The father had been bullying me into getting an abortion.  He broke my heart when he told me that he was with his ex.  Not only did I have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy on my own, I had to deal with the heartbreak and the judgement from society as I continued on my second pregnancy without the father.  I felt womanized into something that was completely fake.  Basically EVERYTHING he had ever told me was a lie.  That he had zero sperm count, that he wanted a family, the he wanted to build a life with me.  Even the person he pretended to be which was the complete opposite of what he truly was come to be.  He offered zero help and even changed his phone number, then had a lawyer and his mother  call me threatening me with getting full custody if I didn’t abort the baby.  He couldn’t help me to doctors visits when I was on bed rest, and when my daughter called him to take me to the emergency room, he hung up.  I couldn’t believe that my judgement was so poor in to trust someone so spineless and selfish.  I never did anything to him except love him, even when he broke my heart, I was understanding and empathetic to his feelings.  I don’t like to make myself out to be a victim, but this is why I see no point in making yourself vulnerable.  People take advantage of weakness.  There is a world full of hurt out there, and I refuse to be one to continue the cycle.  I begin with healing myself and keeping to myself rather than selfishly hurt others because I have my own selfish pains to deal with.  At the end of the day it was simple.  He hates himself and he’s selfish and people who hurt others and gain joy from it only do so because of low self esteem.

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I was unemployed, I just got over 2 months of pertussis and bed rest (whooping cough) and had depleted my savings account and quit my job.  It was around the time of the Ikaika show in June that I got pregnant, my period was a week late every month so I assumed I wasn’t pregnant and this was just due to a low body fat percentage and 3 consecutive shows in a 6 week period.  I continued an aggressive training regiment and unhealthy supplement intake during the entire time.  Now concerned for the baby’s well being I had genetic and multiple ultrasounds done.  Everything looked fine to my surprise!  I grew attached and excited for baby to come.  Although at first she didn’t like the idea of sharing Mommy’s attention, Kai grew excited that she is going to have a new baby sister.  At week 19 I went in for a second ultrasound and QUAD blood genetic test.  They sent me straight to ER where I spent the night.  They told me my cervix was dilated and I had minor ruptured membranes.  The baby’s amniotic sac had moved 4 cm through the cervix and into the vagina and has slowly been leaking.  Doctors advised me I had 24-48 hours before she miscarried.  I had no pain and felt fine, so I didn’t put stock into what they said.  They urged me several times to have a medical abortion, but I ignored their advice because I didn’t want to play god.  I didn’t want to be the one to pull my baby out of me piece by piece alive, feeling everything.  I had hope.

I stayed in bed for two weeks.  My friend Jack constructed me a 2′ decline lift for my bed as my regular OB optimistically suggested.  This kept baby in.  During this time I started a go fund me page to help me pay bills.   I thank everyone for the generous amount of support I had received.  It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.  It’s hard for me to accept judgement from others which I knew was happening from some negative comments.  I discovered new friends, and discovered the fake ones and strengthened current ones. I had been falling behind and I was suppose to start my new job in 2 days waitressing part time at Outback which now wasn’t going to happen.  Daily pain started to kick in as my uterus got agitated.  Sips of wine would help stop contractions.  2 weeks went by and wine didn’t stop the contractions.  At 21 weeks and 2 days, I went into the ER because the contractions got stronger and closer apart and wine no longer was stopping them. Unlike two weeks ago, this time my amniotic fluid was low and my leaks were pink suggesting light bleeding.

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Sadly, they notified me that the quad test I had taken came back for a high probability of down syndrome.  In the middle of a contraction: what a terrible time it was for them to tell me.  Not a geneticyst, she was unable to give me more information.  My heart was broken.  To my understanding, this test is highly unprobbable.  I come to find out, leaking amniotic fluid can most likely trigger false positives due to elevated hormones in the test.  The only way to get a 99% confirmation is an amniocentesis, one of my most feared prenatal procedures, where they stick a long needle into your uterus to obtain fluid from the amniotic sac via your abdomen.

I was sedated with pain medication  which stopped my contractions, but was unable to sleep.  I lied in the dark with my eyes closed crying by myself.  I didn’t want her to go yet.  I had fought this hard to make it two weeks.  12 more days and she could make it.  I was determined to hold on.  At 3 am the doctor entered my room to tell me my white blood count was high insinuating infection which was most likely the uterine pain I was experiencing.  Chorioamnionitis is highly dangerous to the mother if the infection causes a fever and to the baby which if survived is at elevated risk for meningtis and brain damage. I didn’t have a fever so my logic was to not give up. Why is this happening to me?  I suddenly decided I have to stop.  I stopped fighting.  Doctor brought in suppositories to help with contractions and to my suprise I was already 7 cm dilated  and her head was already very low in delivery position.  Contractions weren’t coming.  Only one contraction came and I felt the need to push.  So I decide to help her end her suffering.  The contractions weren’t coming but she was small enough for me to push at 7 cm without epidural or contractions.  She was delivered in only minutes. Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 5:30 am, on election day, November 08, 2016, 21 weeks and 2 days, 12.2 oz., 12 days too early for the lungs to be viable outside of the womb.  I now know that she wanted to go and this was gods will.  I was too stubborn holding on.  I was filled with bitersweet sadness, but also with peace knowing that this was gods way.  Instead of brutally ripping her pieces apart with an abortion, I had a calm labor, and I had a chance to kiss her forehead and hold her warm in my arms.  She didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with her.  She did not appear to have down syndrome.  Her development was healthy.  My body couldn’t carry her any longer, and my health was at risk and it was my body’s natural way of telling me it’s time to let go.

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Don’t give up hope.  Don’t listen to a doctors first opinion.  Get a second.  My OBGYN took great comfort and hope in comparison to what the doctors had given me which was fear in the hospital.  The doctors had scared me so many times into giving up.  The infection hadn’t set in and I felt like I could’ve made 12 more days if I really held on.  I feel like she was going 2 weeks ago but with my stubbornness we held on.  The mind is a powerful thing and the body will follow.  I truly feel the only reason she held on was because I stayed in bed and refused to quit.  I’m trying to let go and accept that far worse things could’ve happened and this is for the best.  My heart is broken in 1000 pieces. I will never forget Serah.  And now I have to do my best to pick up my broken pieces.

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I will never be an advocate for abortion.  I want to acknowledge that when I had unprotected sex, I was aware of taking responsibility for my actions.  I am aware that I am fully capable of caring for a child no matter the circumstances.  I am a 31 year old single mother and this decision came with a mature choice and sense of responsibility.  I feel that many younger women are not mature enough to fully understand the implications of their actions.  It is too easy to go to an abortion clinic.  I have had an abortion in the past.  My younger political views strayed towards pro choice.  While today I am Pro Life personally for myself, however I am in the middle, as I believe politics should not have a say in this matter, and this controversial topic should not be used to sway election votes.   I also believe that this atrocity should not be funded with federal tax money.  Adoption is another option if you are not responsible or ready to take care of a child.  Juno is one of my favorite movies.  Her spirit through a bad situation is inspiring.  I find it disgusting that people find it so simple to erase a bad mistake by killing it.  Piece by piece, ripping a child out of a womb while it is still alive, feeling every pain.  I will deal with my actions accordingly and not make an innocent baby suffer because I made poor decisions.  Once you have an abortion you realize how monsterous it truly is.  I vowed never to do it again.

 Did you know that 45% of abortionees undergo multiple abortions.  I do not know which is more disturbing to me.   That 45% find it ok to take the easy way out and repeat their mistakes, or that the majority of these abortions were with women under 25 years of age and that over 70% of abortions are performed for convenience rather than medical reasons or rape and incest. I know only a women can make that decision for herself.  There are options.  Please don’t hurt your baby because you made a selfish decision.  Do the right thing.

WORLDWIDE

Number of abortions per year: approximately 42 million
Number of abortions per day: approximately 115,000

Where abortions occur:
83% of all abortions are obtained in developing countries and 17% occur in developed countries.

© Copyright 1996-2008, The Guttmacher Institute. (http://www.agi-usa.org)

UNITED STATES

Number of abortions per year: 1.21 million (2005)
Number of abortions per day: approximately 3,315

Who’s having abortions (age)?

50% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions; teenagers obtain 17%; and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

MORE FACTS http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

This whole experience has changed my life forever.  It has been a humbling experience not to take time with Kai for granted.  That all life is precious.  To not waste another day being unhappy because life is too short to throw away settling for complacency.  It has breathed life into a life that has been lacking for a long time.  

“When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Goo Goo Dolls. Iris.


Please pray for Serah

You can follow the story and updates at
https://www.gofundme.com/prochoiceconflict

xoxo

Return of Saturn


Recently, I’ve felt a disconnect with people. More than I ever have. I’ve always been very sociable and extrovert: Craving social interaction and having friends. As a child I didn’t have many friends. I’m different. That’s all I know. Children can be mean. They can scar you. They can tease you for not having boobs in the 7th grade. They can pick fights because they’re jealous that you are pretty. That first crush can laugh at you because you wore baggy jeans and hand me downs. I never conformed to the social crowd of one group. I never felt accepted fully, so I fleeted from group to group never fully making friends w anyone: Keeping it on the surface. Anytime I get too close to any group, that is when the trouble arises. Girls can be mean. 

I know that I may come off as rough, but my spirit is gentle and kind and giving. Too many years of being shoved around and taken advantage of can harden you. It makes you not believe in people anymore. As a child, I was forgiving and I craved to fit in and belong. As an adult, I’ve grown cynical and those negative patterns I’ve formed with friends have manifested into adulthood. Adults have their cliques too. The mean girls “you can’t sit with us” groups that make you feel like you don’t belong arep in adulthood too. As much as I feel like an outsider, I don’t want to be a part of that. Or that’s what I thought.

I know I’m different, and I feel as though I am always being judged. Maybe that’s where I fail. It’s rare that I fall into a social group that I get along with. I have very low tolerance for bullshit and when I see something I tend to just turn the other way. As of lately, I feel anti-sociable. People who I have known for years no longer look like friends to me. How have we become so different? Are they judging me? Or is it the other way around? I feel so much relationships are superficial. It’s about who you know, what business and networks can you bring, image, who can get in whose pants. Or the fake people who kiss your ass to your face and talk badly about you behind your back. We know who they are because they do it to our other friends as soon as their backs are turned.  None of it is genuine. 

It’s only until recently my heart has begun to heal. I’ve been highly selective about who I let in my circle. I would rather be alone than surrounded by fake, negative people. I purged my Facebook of my “biggest fans:” my haters. Why do we wake up everyday to open your feed and see someone’s name and think…. Ugh what is she posting again. I am responsible for allowing this to be close to me, because I am entertained from negativity. When my intentions came clearer that positivity is what I want in my life, I BEGAN TO ATTRACT IT. The POWER OF INTENTION and the POWER OF ATTRACTION is real. For the first time, I am attracting people into my life who I feel are kind, giving, positive, successful and non judge mental people. It’s a good feeling because they make you realize all the negative stuff you’ve been holding onto isn’t worth it. As hard as it is to swallow, maybe the source of your pain has been your own doing. 

I’m the type of girl who wants to do everything on my own. One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is to accept help. When I got pregnant and the father left me for another woman, he offered me no support. I can do this on my own, I told myself. I’ve seen darker days and deeper holes. 

Dustin (the father) and I had discussions about having children. I think pregnancy was so unenjoyable for me the first time around being alone and so young, I am scarred. I did not want children. Kai is 11 years old and I am almost free to have a life I was robbed of from a young age. Having been abandoned by his parents who were on drugs and in jail, being a father was important to Dustin. When I found out I was pregnant, Dustin admitted he had been seeing his ex and bullied me into an abortion. By the time I went to the doctors I was not 4 weeks pregnant, I was 13! In the ultrasound I saw a head and feet and a healthy spine and a cute hand wave. The feelings of a baby growing inside me filled me with joy. But at the same time tears of fear because I knew I was doing this alone AGAIN.  Even my drug addict baby daddy #1 managed to grab me meals and take me to appointments when we were kids. Baby daddy #2 at the ripe age of 26 years old changed his number. 

As I moved on from my heart break, I began to move forward and start to think what am I going to do with this pregnancy? I have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize. As fast as I decided to move on, I took an inner look at the situation. I had quit nightlife months before and had some health issues. I just finished real estate school. This is a spiritually growing time for me because of my Return in Saturn forces that have been leading me away form nightlife in devastating and dramatic fashions. I realized the toxicity not only from that environment but from the people I am surrounded by. The money was never worth the poison I allowed into my life. 

As weeks went by, I wanted baby more than anything now. I have things in my Amazon cart and have a baby name list. I dabbled w names: Ossa, Lilith, Seraphim, Dakota, Luna, Seriyna, Keira. I downloaded a few baby aps to entertain my baby jitters. It’s all unplanned and I’m doing it alone but I’m completely confident I am capable of doing this. Is anything ever planned? Or are we just stumbling through life making it all up as we go by, like Captain Jack Sparrow. I like to think I’m the latter lol, but it’s not always so graceful. When I got hospitalized at 19 weeks and I was in a situation where I had a choice to abort or stay in bed with supposedly a 1% chance of baby making it to 25 weeks, an abortion seemed like the easy way out from the responsibility. This was a test. But it came naturally. I wanted to fight for this baby, no matter the outcome, no matter if the doctors said she has a high chance of having mental illness and serious health issues. I spent so much time thinking I would abort it in that case. But when faced with the situation, didn’t blink before I knew that wasn’t an option. 

People keep telling me god won’t give you anything you can’t handle. And I try to see the beauty in all of this. How am I growing? I feel this whole experience is an extremely spiritual time for me. I feel miscalculating a late pregnancy, taking a plan b that failed and the unfortunate circumstances have all been meant to be. I’m learning to be selfless for another life. Although I have a daughter, I was young and made a lot of mistakes. I missed  a lot with Kai because I was too immature to understand it and I don’t want or make those same mistakes. I want to enjoy being a mother this time and be a better mom. I’m so excited Kai is having a sister and we are growing our family. 

Even when I was hurt, I tried to reconcile with Dustin with kindness. I tried to have an open heart. I tried to understand why someone could hurt someone like that? It was simple because he was so selfish that he did things without thinking of others because of his past and pain he had been through. Some allow themselves to be jaded.  I came to learn, when you become empathetic you start to have compassion: and through giving, I began to learn the holes in me were healing. When we live in a world where people take and hurt we are hesitant to do so. But when we learn empathy, it makes it easier to give when you understand someone’s pain. 

I have a white ink Tat on my ribs with tribal that I did when I was hurt and going through a hard time. It’s just a reminder to not be jaded. 
“There is a light that never goes out.” The Smiths.

Now I’m trying to learn the receiving part. Being on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy is a hellish nightmare. I can’t go to the gym. I can’t work. I can’t leave my bed. I am sooooooo fkn bored out of my skull. At least in jail you have cigarettes, conjugal visits and yard time. No sexy time for me. But this time has allowed me to learn how to accept help. At first I was denying help because I didn’t want to ask for anything. Then a friend made me realize something: sometimes giving is healing too and it’s a two way street and we need to learn to accept with grace. Then some of the mean comments and judgment ensued. And I realized to drop the excess baggage and negativity and embrace the positive. 

Be kind. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. Positive things are coming this way. 

Xoxo