Return of Saturn

Recently, I’ve felt a disconnect with people. More than I ever have. I’ve always been very sociable and extrovert: Craving social interaction and having friends. As a child I didn’t have many friends. I’m different. That’s all I know. Children can be mean. They can scar you. They can tease you for not having boobs in the 7th grade. They can pick fights because they’re jealous that you are pretty. That first crush can laugh at you because you wore baggy jeans and hand me downs. I never conformed to the social crowd of one group. I never felt accepted fully, so I fleeted from group to group never fully making friends w anyone: Keeping it on the surface. Anytime I get too close to any group, that is when the trouble arises. Girls can be mean. 

I know that I may come off as rough, but my spirit is gentle and kind and giving. Too many years of being shoved around and taken advantage of can harden you. It makes you not believe in people anymore. As a child, I was forgiving and I craved to fit in and belong. As an adult, I’ve grown cynical and those negative patterns I’ve formed with friends have manifested into adulthood. Adults have their cliques too. The mean girls “you can’t sit with us” groups that make you feel like you don’t belong arep in adulthood too. As much as I feel like an outsider, I don’t want to be a part of that. Or that’s what I thought.

I know I’m different, and I feel as though I am always being judged. Maybe that’s where I fail. It’s rare that I fall into a social group that I get along with. I have very low tolerance for bullshit and when I see something I tend to just turn the other way. As of lately, I feel anti-sociable. People who I have known for years no longer look like friends to me. How have we become so different? Are they judging me? Or is it the other way around? I feel so much relationships are superficial. It’s about who you know, what business and networks can you bring, image, who can get in whose pants. Or the fake people who kiss your ass to your face and talk badly about you behind your back. We know who they are because they do it to our other friends as soon as their backs are turned.  None of it is genuine. 

It’s only until recently my heart has begun to heal. I’ve been highly selective about who I let in my circle. I would rather be alone than surrounded by fake, negative people. I purged my Facebook of my “biggest fans:” my haters. Why do we wake up everyday to open your feed and see someone’s name and think…. Ugh what is she posting again. I am responsible for allowing this to be close to me, because I am entertained from negativity. When my intentions came clearer that positivity is what I want in my life, I BEGAN TO ATTRACT IT. The POWER OF INTENTION and the POWER OF ATTRACTION is real. For the first time, I am attracting people into my life who I feel are kind, giving, positive, successful and non judge mental people. It’s a good feeling because they make you realize all the negative stuff you’ve been holding onto isn’t worth it. As hard as it is to swallow, maybe the source of your pain has been your own doing. 

I’m the type of girl who wants to do everything on my own. One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is to accept help. When I got pregnant and the father left me for another woman, he offered me no support. I can do this on my own, I told myself. I’ve seen darker days and deeper holes. 

Dustin (the father) and I had discussions about having children. I think pregnancy was so unenjoyable for me the first time around being alone and so young, I am scarred. I did not want children. Kai is 11 years old and I am almost free to have a life I was robbed of from a young age. Having been abandoned by his parents who were on drugs and in jail, being a father was important to Dustin. When I found out I was pregnant, Dustin admitted he had been seeing his ex and bullied me into an abortion. By the time I went to the doctors I was not 4 weeks pregnant, I was 13! In the ultrasound I saw a head and feet and a healthy spine and a cute hand wave. The feelings of a baby growing inside me filled me with joy. But at the same time tears of fear because I knew I was doing this alone AGAIN.  Even my drug addict baby daddy #1 managed to grab me meals and take me to appointments when we were kids. Baby daddy #2 at the ripe age of 26 years old changed his number. 

As I moved on from my heart break, I began to move forward and start to think what am I going to do with this pregnancy? I have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize. As fast as I decided to move on, I took an inner look at the situation. I had quit nightlife months before and had some health issues. I just finished real estate school. This is a spiritually growing time for me because of my Return in Saturn forces that have been leading me away form nightlife in devastating and dramatic fashions. I realized the toxicity not only from that environment but from the people I am surrounded by. The money was never worth the poison I allowed into my life. 

As weeks went by, I wanted baby more than anything now. I have things in my Amazon cart and have a baby name list. I dabbled w names: Ossa, Lilith, Seraphim, Dakota, Luna, Seriyna, Keira. I downloaded a few baby aps to entertain my baby jitters. It’s all unplanned and I’m doing it alone but I’m completely confident I am capable of doing this. Is anything ever planned? Or are we just stumbling through life making it all up as we go by, like Captain Jack Sparrow. I like to think I’m the latter lol, but it’s not always so graceful. When I got hospitalized at 19 weeks and I was in a situation where I had a choice to abort or stay in bed with supposedly a 1% chance of baby making it to 25 weeks, an abortion seemed like the easy way out from the responsibility. This was a test. But it came naturally. I wanted to fight for this baby, no matter the outcome, no matter if the doctors said she has a high chance of having mental illness and serious health issues. I spent so much time thinking I would abort it in that case. But when faced with the situation, didn’t blink before I knew that wasn’t an option. 

People keep telling me god won’t give you anything you can’t handle. And I try to see the beauty in all of this. How am I growing? I feel this whole experience is an extremely spiritual time for me. I feel miscalculating a late pregnancy, taking a plan b that failed and the unfortunate circumstances have all been meant to be. I’m learning to be selfless for another life. Although I have a daughter, I was young and made a lot of mistakes. I missed  a lot with Kai because I was too immature to understand it and I don’t want or make those same mistakes. I want to enjoy being a mother this time and be a better mom. I’m so excited Kai is having a sister and we are growing our family. 

Even when I was hurt, I tried to reconcile with Dustin with kindness. I tried to have an open heart. I tried to understand why someone could hurt someone like that? It was simple because he was so selfish that he did things without thinking of others because of his past and pain he had been through. Some allow themselves to be jaded.  I came to learn, when you become empathetic you start to have compassion: and through giving, I began to learn the holes in me were healing. When we live in a world where people take and hurt we are hesitant to do so. But when we learn empathy, it makes it easier to give when you understand someone’s pain. 

I have a white ink Tat on my ribs with tribal that I did when I was hurt and going through a hard time. It’s just a reminder to not be jaded. 
“There is a light that never goes out.” The Smiths.

Now I’m trying to learn the receiving part. Being on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy is a hellish nightmare. I can’t go to the gym. I can’t work. I can’t leave my bed. I am sooooooo fkn bored out of my skull. At least in jail you have cigarettes, conjugal visits and yard time. No sexy time for me. But this time has allowed me to learn how to accept help. At first I was denying help because I didn’t want to ask for anything. Then a friend made me realize something: sometimes giving is healing too and it’s a two way street and we need to learn to accept with grace. Then some of the mean comments and judgment ensued. And I realized to drop the excess baggage and negativity and embrace the positive. 

Be kind. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. Positive things are coming this way. 


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