Inept at Love


Would you date a stripper?  I think every girl wants to move (fuck) like a stripper and every man wants to have sex with a stripper.  But they want to also project harsh judgments about them.  Sure, many of them are cocaine addicted, socially inept, discipline lacking, poor money managing heathens.  But just so you know, they are people too and have decided to sell what most never dream to sell for a price.  They have a soul, they have morals (taking off their clothes for money isn’t one of them) and many of them have normal lives and have dreams to obtain Master degrees, get married, or just simply raise their families. There are good people in this world, and bad people.  Our CHOICES is what separates the two.  And I for one, will not judge someone because of what they do for their occupation.  However, don’t get caught up in the lifestyle.  Use it as a platform to bigger goals.

Want to hear my story?   I, as a dancer for 8 years have had my ups and downs in the industry.  It started when I was 19 years old, I was pregnant, on my own and scared.  I don’t think I ever really wanted to.  After getting jumped by my boyfriends ex girlfriend and her friend, I was on the side of the road crying behind a gas station in Haleiwa and 4 months pregnant.  A complete stranger saw me crying and took me in his house to clean me up.  Knowing that I could not stay with a stranger, I remember asking a friend to help me get a job at a bar. After a week, I called my mom crying, moved home for a month and started working a strip club.  I was illegally underage, and hostessing at a low key strip club.  After some time, mama asked me to dance day shift.  I was scared shitless.  I remember being terrified of doing something I didn’t want to really do.  But when we are desperate, I guess we do what we have to do to survive.

After my daughter was born, I left her father and raised her on my own.  Every dollar I had went to paying a babysitter, finding my own place immediately, buying expensive formula, because the regular formula made Kailani colic, buying the best toys, swings, cribs, stroller and baby supplies money could buy.  I grew up pretty fast.

Despite what I was doing, I was the type who liked to stay home with my boyfriend, especially since I had a new born baby.  For many years I danced, and never drank alcohol.  I went to work, and went straight home to be with my boyfriend.  Each time I found myself in a new relationship, I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, being loyal, honest, taking care of the small things that matter most.  Foot massages after rolling around in bed, making breakfast for him in the mornings.  It’s hard enough to find real love, why deal with the dishonesty, cheating and selfishness?  If you find something you like, cherish it and never take it for granted.

As I got older, the vision of what I wanted, who I was looking for and the type of man I wanted to be with got clearer, and the dating list got smaller.  I found that regardless of how amazing a bond is between two people, even if they are good people, there are things knowing your girlfriend is a dancer does to a mans head.  Even the most confident of men can be broken down.  The insecurities lead to drama.  And when they start to fall in love, they start to mistrust you and make accusations, and this can lead to a lot of hurt and frustration.  Then they ask you to quit dancing.  But I don’t think they understand how hard it is to throw away the money.  And even if you were to quit your job, how would you support your daughter?  He only makes enough to barely support himself.

After being in the industry for many years, you have your “regulars” who come in to buy you champagne regularly.  You have lunch with them weekly.  And they buy that bottle service and limo for your birthday and $800 Marchesa dress you wanted.  You never have sexual relations with them, and the funny thing is that they know you have a boyfriend and have met them on several occasions, but they just want to pay for that friendship.  You learn all these bad habits, and you think…  “hey I don’t sleep with him” and you justify and think it’s okay to use men.  It becomes normal, when it really is a sick thing.  And the thing is that they aren’t stupid.  They know you don’t really like them, and probably will never be with them, but enjoy the degrading power trip of buying you.

So, after finding love and losing it on multiple occasions, I decided to quit dancing and that there had to be a better life to live.  I’ve had enough diamonds and Manolo Blahniks to last me a life time.  Sometimes when you’re lonely, owning a $3000 Louis Vuitton purse doesn’t matter.  Even after you have left that lifestyle behind, it continues to haunt you.  For many years, I never let it bother me or taint my self esteem.  As of matter of fact, I think I had to have great confidence to get up on the stage and perform.  I think what bothered me most was the judgment from the person closest to your heart and that is when my esteem started to dwindle.

I saw Lady Gaga @ at the MGM Grand in concert in Las Vegas a few months ago.  She went off on a drunken rampage… “Las Vegas… do you give a fuck?”  I’m not a die hard Gaga fan, but I admire her liveliness and amazing stylists.  After her performance, I left a fan.  Gaga was a stripper and guess what?  She doesn’t give a fuck!

So here I am… a year later and out of the strip club.  Do I regret it?  Sometimes, yes.  But I lived life to the fullest in those years traveling, learning, growing, meeting interesting people around the world.  When I was in it, I didn’t realize spiritually what it was doing to my soul.  I turned into that alcoholic, socially inept, poor $ managing, discipling lacking stripper for many years, losing sight of my goals and dreams. The day I took a step back and left that world behind, I fully understood the negative impact it has had, and how it has created conflict for me in all the things I truly want and happiness. I am the creator of my own hell.

At the end of the day, it’s easy for a man to be attracted to me.  But I have to tread lightly, because it’s easy for a man to play that “stripper card,” make judgments, mis-trust you, and “hit it and quit it.”  You could be so straight forward and kind, and more open than you’ve ever been in your life, but the idea that you were once a stripper can affect your relationships.  You can try to demand a sense of respect, but at the end of the day, most people have their own judgments in their head that are unavoidable.  You could be that diamond with intelligence, beauty, kindness and ambition.  You could be that gem that he is looking for if you can move beyond the past.

I’m getting a tattoo this month on my forearms in cursive.

“There is a light that never goes out.”

“Those who judge others are only judging themselves.”


4 thoughts on “Inept at Love

  1. First off thank you for sharing your story. It was an exceptional condensed version of years of accumulated experiences, and I’m sure you made a lot of decisions that you considered mistakes more then a few times before you could internalize the lesson it offered. I’ve been in 2 relationships with strippers and the first we were with each other for 11 years and married for 3 of them and the relationship aspect was and still is very very good an respectful on both parts. My second lasted about 20 months and went from bad to worse to terrible to horrid. There’s is certainly a lot of healing that needs (IMO) to happen for a woman after stripping for years. I’m not really all that familiar with the lifestyle. I have just enough knowledge on th woman’s and the men’s behalf to help my wife make fthe transition to ground herself and go after her dreams. I knew the marriage couldn’t survive but I knew the friendship would due th respect I have of anyone who is objective and hard working their own version of therapy. I have a suggestion for the women goingfthrough this difficult transition and that is to make friends and attend anything therapeutic but with other women. Down matter what it is but pick something you thing could enable you to challenge your self spiritually, be it dance, art, reading club, coking school ordgoing back to school and pick up whre you left of before dancing. And men b prepared for a lo offtermoil and a lengthy period form sex and b either 100% committed to help your mate or leave. Because the next couple year are al about her and fir you love her you have to find a medium of you to accept everything and the changes without loosing your spirit or identity.

      1. That sure could have come out better with edited. The point I was trying to make was if you’re a guy and you’re going to be with a woman who is stopping stripping it’s very important that you understand it’s all about her. Be prepared for her to make lots of changes that she doesn’t even know are going to happen. She needs
        to be with her own gender. And involved in creative forces that spur on spirituality. And you need to understand you may never see sex for the next couple of years and if you do it’s because it’s out of mercy or she’s an opened individual and is allowing you particular privileges. And once in a while , yes, because she wants it. But if she’s doing it with you it’s mainly because she feels bad for you. As a guy you just need to hang in there, be patient, and hope, that you’re the man she’s going to want
        when all the healing is over with. And it ain’t easy! You as a man need lots of friendships yourself, male and female. Play cards, go to sports games do whatever your gender does for a mans night out and do it a couple times a week because she’ll be busy with her own therapeutic ventures.

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