It’s in the Stars

The chemistry between two people when they first make eye contact is the greatest connection.  Energies we can’t control take over.  Sure, we want to know compatibility, personality, and perhaps more about lifestyle, goals, ambitions and all the other elements.  Maybe their cologne is an alluring aphrodisiac.  But we can’t explain those times we are undeniably attracted to someone.  

“It’s in the stars,” my first love told me in my first Valentines card.  He was an Aquarius, a match for Gemini, the 2 most compatible love signs of the entire zodiac.  Yes it is true, although I was only 20, and he was around 32, not the most of attractive men, in shape, nor desirable, I couldn’t help but notice his congenial personality when we made eye contact across the room, and glowing flirtatious charisma and confidence when we spoke.  We were on fire from the moment we lied eyes on each other.

The relationship went well for 6 months.  But following some minor trust issues, that could have easily have been resolved, turned it into an emotional roller coaster of snowballing drama.  I use to say that each person has an energy in them.  When they are in synch, then they are unstoppable.  Sometimes those energies counter each other.  Say one person will move closer, and the other pull away, and by the time the other person is ready to move closer, the other person is pulling away, thus causing a repelling behavior, an emotional roller coaster.

I’ve studied relationship dynamics and behaviors and the source of emotional drama.

“Many things can affect a relationship.  Each human is a complex creature whose behavior is driven by emotion, beliefs, point of view, and how much coffee they had that morning. Combine that with another person who is driven by different emotions, beliefs, point of view, and how much they drank last night and we have an opportunity for emotional drama and chaos. Some call it a roller coaster of emotion while others are calling for relationship help.”

Reading “the Four Agreements,” I understand that everybody has a self image.  They are putting Sigmund Freud’s studies into a Mexican style fantasy help book.  We all have an idea of who we are.  We will start with the classic Freud terms, the id.  This is our personalities, a part of the brain we can’t control. I am impatient, I don’t listen, I crave attention. But I am smart, charismatic and creative. etc.  Then we have ideals of who we want people to believe who we are.  The super ego:  I wish to be something that I am not, such as patient, so when I become impatient, my super ego criticizes myself negatively for not holding up to what I want to be.  Where as the ego is ones self.  Where the Super Ego an Id come together.   The ego is where the decisions are made, and seem to favor the id, but the super ego is always there to punish you and make you feel guilty.  The super ego is like your conscious.  It tells you what the norms of society are and the way things are suppose to be.  Me as a free spirit, my id would be a very liberal and opinionated personality.  Where as my super ego tells me that I am provocative and offending to other people.  But my ego decides what I show the world and what people see of me.  Repeatedly, reading through articles, websites and books, many people refer to Freud’s studies, but just reword it in their own ways and styles.

It’s easy to project a positive image, but sometimes that is not who we are on the inside.  Often we feel like the confident person we strive to be, but often can be conflicted with being “not good enough.”  This doesn’t mean we have low self esteem.  Everybody just has an image of what they would like to be, or goals we’ll say.

So… I met the first love of my life.  I was wearing a glittery bikini, oozing sexuality.  My hair was straightened, and makeup perfect.  Maybe I had on a very expensive pair of Manolos and a Louis Vuitton purse.  But those things didn’t matter to him, so although I was projecting some kind of image, he probably didn’t even notice.  He has his own criteria for liking/disliking someone.  So he has formed an impression (not an accurate one with just one meeting) but one that is completely separate from mine.

So there are different images.  When I met him there is the id.  How I feel about myself.  Maybe I wasn’t going through some good times and didn’t feel too good,  I had just gotten out of a relationship, but my super ego wanted to hide it, so I dressed to impress and looked good to feel better.  Then my ego is how he saw me, his first impression of me.  All 3 different images for one person.

These can affect our emotions, behaviors, and choices in relationships. They form the underlying core to problems and emotional drama that we experience in relationship.  This makes for six false images operating in their relationship. Each one plays a part in how their emotions are generated. Each one influences or drives them to certain behaviors and emotional reactions. And all of the six are imaginary.

I found this story that is a perfect example.

A simple example of the emotional dynamics this might create:

Phil and Francis are driving to an event together. Phil feels he should drive because this is what a man is “supposed” to do (Projected Image). Phil proposes that he do the driving.

Francis is insecure in her Hidden Image about her sense of direction and getting lost. Francis interprets Phil’s proposal to mean that Phil doesn’t want her to drive because of her inadequacy. (Not Phil’s reasoning at all.) Francis Victim is offended by Phil’s offer. (Hidden Image Dynamic) She doesn’t say anything because she wants to project that it is no big deal. (Projected Image to cover up the Hidden Image.)

Phil ends up doing the driving. In his mind she (Faux Francis) is thankful to not be burdened. The real Francis feels insulted by Faux Phil.

Phil ends up getting lost on the way to the event. In his mind he feels like a failure and judges himself as “stupid” for making the wrong turn. (Hidden Image belief with a Victim point of view.)

Francis still feels inadequate from Phil’s comment. Francis uses the opportunity to jump into a superior role of being right (her Projected Image) and criticizes Phil about being lost. Telling a story where she is right is a way to get out of her “not good enough” feeling. For a moment in her imagination she feels superior to Phil.

Because of a strong Image of Perfection of what he should be, Phil believes her criticism. His Victim does the interpretation that she is right. In his mind, her comment reinforces his belief that he is “not good enough.” Phil feels more hurt because she now sees him as “stupid” as well. This also reinforces the belief that he is failing to meet his Image of Perfection.

Francis reflects on her comment to Phil and concludes that it was uncalled for. She feels like a failure for not living up to her own Image of Perfection. She specifically judges herself for the criticizing comment and feels guilty. (Hidden Image Victim point of view is reinforced).

She also assumes that Phil is judging her for the comment. The assumption that Phil is judging her is taking place in her imagination, where it is actually Faux Phil. She is imagining that Faux Phil is judging her, even though the real Phil isn’t judging her at all. The real Phil is in his Victim point of view, as he interprets that she is right for calling him stupid.

Francis and Phil have made assumptions about what the other thinks, and their assumptions are played out by their Faux Character projections in their own minds. They are both wrong in their assumptions, but having real emotional reactions based on them. They do not see that their emotions are being created by their belief in their False Images of themselves.

The chain reaction in the relationship can continue. Their stories and emotions end up getting bounced around the Six False Images like a pin ball against electric bumpers. This is just a small example of how the False Self-Images are at the core of the emotional dynamics.

This type of emotional drama can continue in our own relationships until we realize one very important thing — these images are all made up! They are fictional. We are reacting to the movie in our imagination. The only power behind these images and their stories is the belief we give them. It is only because we believe these stories and images that we react emotionally. When we don’t believe in these False Images, we eliminate the emotional reactions.

This type of emotional drama can continue in our own relationships until we realize one very important thing — these images are all made up! They are fictional. We are reacting to the movie in our imagination. The only power behind these images and their stories is the belief we give them. It is only because we believe these stories and images that we react emotionally. When we don’t believe in these False Images, we eliminate the emotional reactions.

It is important to note that it is more than just the belief and the image that makes for this dynamic. Integral to this dynamic is the point of view. The Judge essentially sees things from the Image of Perfection point of view. The Victim sees things from the Hidden Image point of view*. If we are to change the dynamic of our relationships, it is not enough to change our beliefs. We will also have to shift our point of view out of the Judge and Victim.

When we change our point of view and no longer believe in the images and the stories, we can eliminate all the emotional drama in our relationships. Without these False Images driving our reactions we can easily change our behaviors and our emotional reactions.

When we dissolve the False Images of ourselves we become authentic. We no longer reject ourselves based on a Hidden Image. We accept ourselves just the way we are. We don’t try to be that Image of Perfection in the imagination. We don’t need to be that False Image in order to find ourselves worthy of love.

When the False Images dissolve our mind is no longer split into different images of what we are and what we “should” be. Without this conflict in the mind we become whole again and recover our Emotional Integrity.

When we are authentic and live our relationships with awareness we don’t make false assumptions about the other person. We don’t expect them to act according to our Faux Character. Without those expectations we are never disappointed or angry with them for being who they are. We see them the way they are and we respect and accept them the way they are. Our love for them is unconditional because we don’t expect them to fit our image.

By the same token their love for us is not based on an image of who they think we are. Because their love is unconditional we can be completely free to be ourselves. A relationship that is authentic becomes a place where you can love with no expectations, and you are loved with no conditions.

Don’t underestimate the power of the mind and emotion.  In my consumerism class we studied greatly into Freuds studies and emphasized on the importance of psychological behavior in making purchase choices, and the emotional reaction it has on consumers.

“Love is fleeting.  There is no cure for bipolar.”

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